Ok, the plague that has gripped me for the last two fucking weeks has mostly subsided and I slept through December the fucking 8th, so I pretty much didn't have to deal with it AND the fractured ankle is pretty much healed.

So now I can post stuff!

You lucky FREAKS!

Yeah, I guess I could have been posting stuff all along, but it would have just been mopey bullshit and/or bitching about various things hurting and I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to take up more than 90% of the blog with that horseshit.

Anyhow, I've taken a little criticism online about my “Get Christ the Fuck Out Of X-Mas” program. Some people thought it was 'mean' and 'cynical' and 'fucking stupid'. To these critics I have but one thing to say: the T-shirt design is already in the works, and the holiday special can't be far behind.

This post is a lot different, but someone will probably find something to complain about in it too. People are weird that way...

So I wake up this afternoon and start flipping channels because it's too goddamn cold to get out of bed and I find the TV on CNN. Normally I don't watch any news programs that aren't on Comedy Central because they make my fucking blood boil, but they ran a teaser topic that I had to stick around for. Apparently the Russians were finally revealing what they did with the remains of Adolph Hitler.

I figured this would be a great time to rant about one of my favorite soft-science pet-peeves, so I stuck around to see just what exactly the Ruskies did with Hitler so I could make my rant with as much information on my side as possible.

CNN then teased the story FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS.

After all that wait what did they reveal? Right after the war they took the body home, cremated it and tossed it in a fucking river. For some reason they kept the jawbone and the part of his skull with the bullet hole in it, and I have absolutely no doubt some nutjob has his brain in a jar somewhere, but they didn't mention that.

Why do I think someone has his brain in a jar somewhere? Because if I could have Hitler's brain in a jar I would and I don't even LIKE Hitler. It would just be cool as hell to have. People would come over, “Say, what's that?” “Why.” I would say “That's Hitler's brain in a jar!” and they'd be all like “Fucking COOL!”

Yes, YOUR friends would think it was cool too, they just wouldn't admit it. My friends rule that way.

Anyhow, this brings me to the peeve part. See, every time cloning comes up in the media one of the opponents always says “Well what if somebody cloned HITLER!”

So now, you guessed it, I want to clone Hitler.

Let that sink in for a second.

I WANT TO CLONE HITLER.

Why do I want to do this? It's not out of any love for Nazis or anything. I want to clone Hitler to show idiots that don't understand how cloning works that you would get a genetically identical body but none of the memories or personality of the original person. You would basically have a twin. A much, much younger twin.

Also, like with the brain in a jar, you'd have a hell of a conversation piece.

“Hey!, when did you have a kid!”

“Oh, him? He's not mine, he's a clone of Adolph Hitler!”

“Fucking COOL!”

Just think of all the fun you'd have raising Adolph Jr. Just to be a real dick to the original Hitler (and everyone that still thinks he was a swell guy) I'd have to raise him Jewish of course, that would be a challenge for me, and I'm sure there would be plenty of kidnapping and/or assassination attempts but that's kinda par for the course with celebrity kids right? Besides, if something does happen to him I can always make another one. Maybe I could have several and do a Partridge Family thing? Make an extra one for Angelina Jolie to adopt? The possibilities are pretty much endless.

But all fantasizing aside, I want someone to clone Hitler just so that the “Ohh, what if they clone HITLER!” people will have to eat a fucking bag of shit. These people think it's like a giant toaster oven and an adult with his personality and memories will come walking out. They have absolutely no concept whatsoever of how cloning works and it completely chaps my ass.

And even if it DID produce a fully formed human being with all Hitler's memories he wouldn't automatically start World War fucking III. True, there are people that would want to follow him, but not nearly enough to really accomplish anything. He'd just be entertaining. Actually, phrasing it that way, he'd be Ross Perot...

Think of the reality show possibilities though! “I'm With Hitler!”, “Get Me Out of Here, I'm Hitler!”, “Are you Smarter Than Hitler?”

Granted though, if he did have the memories of the original then the last memory would be that of having blown his own brains out so he'd likely be traumatized enough to be pretty much worthless.

So again, kinda like Ross Perot...

Please, PLEASE Russian scientists, CLONE HITLER! I promise I'll take care of him and feed him and everything!



Oh, on a side note, the 18th is coming up fast people! Be sure to mark it on your calendars and get your asses to Gothcoming 2009! It's going to be full of ultra-hot chicks taking off their clothes! Plus there will be like music and alcohol and stuff, and door prizes!

Again, it's being hosted by my good friend Victoria Sapphire and sponsored by The Garden and The Joint. Guests will include Angela Ryan and Rebecca of Rebecca's Rubber Room. (Also again, you really don't want to click those links if you're at work.)

It's at Skully's Music-Diner. Doors open at 9 PM, you've got to be 18 or older to get in.

I expect every one of you within driving distance and over 18 to be there. It's seriously going to rock people's faces off. RIGHT - THE - FUCK - OFF.

Well, Thanksgiving is now over and it's officially Black Friday as of my writing this. In a few short hours thousands of people will swarm on every retail outlet in the country in search of the cheapest crap China can produce. Much of it will ultimately poison children, you'll gladly step on the heads of your fallen fellow consumers to grab it and a respectable number of you will actually die.

Yes, every year people die in the name of Jesus, the prince of motherfucking peace. Not enough to improve the gene pool apparently, but as I said, a respectable number.

Now, rather than go off on my annual screed about how Christmas really has nothing to do with Jesus and the holiday is just one giant consumer gang-bang that turns otherwise reasonable people into murderous credit-card weidling zombies I'm going to do something different.

You know all those people that give you that crap every year about keeping Christ in Christmas? Well this year I'm announcing my campaign to take Christ OUT of Christmas.

Let that sink in for a few minutes...

Ok, now hear me out on this one. The people that want to keep Christ in Christmas are quick to point out that Christmas has become too secular and commercial. This is true. And every year I point out that Jesus was about peace and love, humbleness and poverty. Add to that the fact that he wasn't born in December and that the holiday is actually a mishmash of festivals from other religions and you come to two conclusions.

Well, I come to two conclusions. If you don't, well, that's your problem. Anyways, the conclusions are A: It's not the kind of Holiday that Jesus would want to be associated with, and 2:He really doesn't have any goddamn business in it anyways.

On an interesting side note, when I was in the third grade my elementary school teacher threw a holy bitch-fit when I wrote 'X-Mas' instead of 'Christmas' on the Christmas card I was making as a class project. She said that when you use an 'X' in place of 'Christ' you're "Crossing out Christ" and it was a horribly unchristian thing to do.

It was perhaps the first time I began to question the whole notion of Christianity.

I later learned that the phenomenon of using an 'X' in place of 'Christ' had other origins but none of it changes that fact that Christ doesn't belong in Christmas. The Norsemen celebrated by pitchforking the entrails of their enemies into the evergreens (Ever wonder where the notion of tinsel comes from? There ya go Scooter.) and the Romans celebrated by buying gifts for their gay lovers and having lots of anal sex.

At this point I'd like to point out that I have nothing against homosexuals in the slightest, I just love pointing out that last bit because it annoys the fuck out of Christians and well, that is my number one hobby these days.

Anyways, Jesus wasn't part of any of the established festivals. Christians jammed him in there with a fucking crowbar and then immediately started bitching that people were trying to take him out of it. So I propose that we take Christ out of Christmas, henceforth to be referred to ONLY as X-Mas, because not only does the holiday have nothing do do with him, but ironically he probably resents the association.



On a partially unrelated note, you've probably noticed the giant fucking banner ad at the top of my site for Gothcoming, hosted by my good friend Victoria Sapphire and sponsored by The Garden and The Joint. By the way, you probably don't want to click those links if you're at work.

Anyhow, it's on December 18th at Skully's Music-Diner. Doors open at 9 PM, you've got to be 18 or older to get in and there's a strict dress-code.

The theme is 'Siberian Solstice' so it's a Communist party. If you dress appropriate to the theme and wear something Russian-ish then you get in for the Comrade price $13. If you come in some form of goth-wear you get the Capitalist price $15. If you come dressed like a yuppie, fratboy, douchebag you get the Enemies Of The State price of $20. Oh, and if you're under 21 you'll be paying an extra $3, so if you're underage AND some manner of douche-reservoir then you'd better bring extra cash. Jackass.

Guests will include Angela Ryan and Rebecca of Rebecca's Rubber Room neither of those links are work safe, by the way, but they are entertaining as hell.

This is going to be THE party of the year and I expect everyone reading this to attend. Seriously, this party is going to kick so much ass we're going to have to import rectums from other lesser parties. Help us turn the X-Mas season into what I feel it should be; an anti-capitalist, anti-Christian, Bacchanalia.

Tell them I sent you. It won't get you in any cheaper, but it'll stroke my ego something fierce.



Now here's a little something for all you people headed out to the malls this morning.

It's also not safe for work.

Enjoy...

Ok, status report time.

Gothcoming fucking ROCKED. The first two sets of pictures are up HERE and I believe more will follow. Well, more than the ones taken by Mistress Victoria's personal photographer (some of which I'm in) which I know are coming.

As I mentioned before, Gothcoming was a Steampunk event this year. I tried explaining steampunk to my Mom. It was kinda like trying to teach calculus to a circus monkey, but without all the shit-chucking. Mom just heard the word 'Goth' in the title and went off on an “I didn't raise you that way” speech. Then later I explained to her that the proceeds went to autism research and she dialed it back a little (VERY little) but she's still convinced that the whole thing was a Satanic, homo, sex-orgy, which is patently ridiculous.

Everyone knows the Satanic, homo, sex-orgy is on Halloween night so as to better contact Satan.

God, I mean, you think someone knows you...

Anyway, for those of you who don't know, here's how Wikipedia defines steampunk:

Steampunk is a subgenre of fantasy and speculative fiction that came into prominence in the 1980s and early 1990s. The term denotes works set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often set in Victorian era England—but with prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy, such as fictional technological inventions like those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne, or real technological developments like the computer occurring at an earlier date. Other examples of steampunk contain alternate history-style presentations of "the path not taken" of such technology as dirigibles or analog computers; these frequently are presented in an idealized light, or a presumption of functionality. FULL ENTRY

Picture space vampires in the old west and you have a pretty good idea of the look.

I didn't do a full costume, but now I wish I had, because the costumes kicked ass. I'll put up some of my favorites when I get Victoria's pictures. I did score a really sweet pair of antique driving goggles to which I added a pair of jeweler's lenses. The overall effect was very steampunk and I got lots of compliments on them, so I'm going to do a complete costume around them for Halloween. (On a side note I'm also working on more pieces for my sister's Ghostbusters costume so that she can have enough stuff to take two friends with her this year.)



Aren't those sweet? Got them dirt cheap too (thank you eBay). Had to clean them real good and straighten them out here and there, but nothing too major. The only real downside to them is that when I'm wearing them I quite obviously can't wear my prescription glasses. That wasn't too terrible as my eyes aren't that bad, but it did make it kinda hard to see the details in some of the costumes and in one instance as I was coming down the stairs I saw one stair but, due to the slight difference in my depth perception, there were actually two. This led to me falling backwards, but I caught myself before hitting the floor by straining the hell out of my left ankle, calf, hip and shoulder. I probably would have been better off just hitting the floor. All in all though I didn't hurt myself nearly as bad as I thought I did.

Apart from the glasses the only special thing I wore was my new 'SECURITY' shirt. For those of you that have never had the occasion to wear one, the security shirt is great. People get the fuck out of your way when you're wearing it. They also have a tendency to ask you where the bathroom is, which is a little bit less awesome, but overall the shirt delivers a great feeling of power and I highly recommend it.

Side effects may include the overwhelming desire to watch Road House, sleeping with Kelly Lynch (which, though still an appealing prospect, is becoming less and less so all the time) and randomly head-butting people.

Anyways, I'll post more when I have more pictures. The only other thing I need to mention is the musical guest at Gothcoming was Voltaire who, unbeknownst to me at the time was the voice of the brain-eating, meteor creature from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy and the author of my new theme song, seen here respectively:





That last one is dedicated to my Mom.

So it's been an interesting week.

On Sunday I went to Mike's place to see Motörhead and ended up driving into the worst wind storm Columbus Ohio has ever seen.

Mike, his attractive next door neighbor and myself sat on the fire escape and watched the trees bending alarmingly in the balmy 75 mile an hour breeze.

It seemed like a good idea at the time as the power was out and there was therefore nothing to do inside.

While on the fire escape we watched one of Mike's fellow tenants moving his stuff out. Given that I'd planned on staying a few days after the show to look for apartments this seemed fortuitous. I then found out that the attractive neighbor was moving as well. That was good in that it increased my chances of getting an apartment there, but it sucked in that she was attractive and single (and we were kinda hitting it off) and she was leaving.

At this point I'd like to mention, because people keep asking, that yes, I am dating someone, but she and I are not dating exclusively. I say this only because people keep asking and if I don't say anything it makes statements like those last few seem rather disrespectful and that's the last thing I want.

Especially since she reads this.

Hi, Honey.

Anyways, two empty apartments is good. They're nice and they fall within my budget.

Well, kinda.

It fits within what my budget should be once I get up there. I've been worried about the money involved in moving, but I have to do this. Besides, a lawyer friend of mine (yes, apparently you CAN use the words 'lawyer' and 'friend' together) informs me that the disability people down here are shortchanging me, so not only will I get more month-to-month up there, but I may be owed back money down here.

Thanks suckers!

I mean, taxpayers...

Just remember, I'm making this move in an effort to get patched up and begin paying taxes again myself. Granted, the way the economy is going I'll be paying them in Mexico where I intend to flee when the revolution begins, but I'll still be paying them somewhere and that's the important thing.

And I know what you're all saying; “Mexico? Why Mexico? Why not Canada?” Why not? Because EVERYONE is going to go to Canada. All the Americans that haven't been sent to Iraq and stranded there when we run out of money to bring them home AND all of the Mexicans that have come to America, lured here by jobs illegally offered by Republicans who then campaign against illegal immigrants taking all our jobs. In fact, I hope you people don't feel too high and mighty because we're on the verge of becoming to Canada what Mexico is to us: a cheap source of untrained labor for the rich to exploit without the basic human rights of US citizenship getting in the way.

Sorry, got off on a bit of a tangent there.

Where was I?

So yeah, cross your fingers for the apartment people.

Anyway, due to the power being out over like 90% of Columbus the Motörhead show was canceled for Sunday night. Motörhead is bad-ass under any circumstances, but with no electricity, yeah, it'd rock and all, but not to it's fullest Motörhead potential.

You compare:

Acoustic:


Electric:


They both rock, obviously, but the electric one is far more metal and metal = GOOD.

So Lemmy, in his infinite drunken benevolence, saw fit to reschedule for Monday night at which time they kicked major fucking ass. Anyone who doubted them can just go to hell and burn in the pit of the unbelievers.

A side-effect to having no power though was that I was unable to use my sleep machine Sunday night, which meant no REM sleep. This didn't take away from my enjoyment of the show at all, but it meant, in essence, that I didn't sleep at all. It also means I didn't sleep Monday night either, so my original plan of sticking around for a few days to look for apartments was looking like less and less of a good idea, but fortunately Mike got his power pack and I was able to catch a few hours sleep that afternoon before heading over to K's place. I'd only planned to stay till Wednesday or so, but Mike was celebrating his birthday on Friday as it turned out so I decided to stay the whole week and go celebrate.

Then I got the call about the window.

Seems sometime Tuesday or so one of my windows got broken and my brother's cat escaped.

I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, I had my sister checking in on the cat. It did not break the window in an effort to get out and forage for food. The window was broken from the outside apparently. So I had to chose between coming home to sit around and wait for the cat to come back and let it in, then drive all the way back for the party on Friday, or just stay in Columbus. I decided to stay, even though I couldn't get my Mom or sister to tell me over the phone whether or not they'd bothered to get someone to nail a piece of plywood over the hole in the side of my house or not. Mom just said she was going to get Chuck to put in a new window, but shit, I could go back home and still wait a month before that happened. I just trusted that they couldn't possibly be so irresponsible as to leave the house completely open for days at a time (my brother would though) and stayed in Columbus where I continued to have a great time.

I remember spending an afternoon with Mistress Victoria, though due to the sleep deprivation I don't remember exactly which afternoon. At the time I'm typing this I don't know if she's got her power back yet. Despite the lack of electricity though we got out and she showed me around town and we discussed plans for the Gothcoming event (October 3rd), which I think is going to be really wicked and I hope to see some of you there. I got to check out the Bar of Modern Art (BoMA) where it's being held on Friday night and it was pretty sweet. Remember, it's a steampunk event, so come prepared to party like it's 1899.

Yeah, they made me say that. It's the tagline.

So I'm gonna wrap it up now since my focus groups tell me you fuckers don't have the attention span for much over two pages.


Have fun ruining Canada, gringos.