On my pants.
Mom called this morning (yesterday morning to you daywalkers) and told me that she'd called the suit place and got me a suit for $31. All I had to do was go get fitted and pay the $31 and she'd pay me back.
On some instinctive level I knew this had to be wrong, but at this point all one can do is lay back, grit your teeth and pray it's over quickly.
So while I was out at Mom's last weekend I fixed the holes in the body of my car that prevented me from getting it inspected. Somewhere along the line I neglected to mention that I got pulled over on MOTHER'S DAY and got a ticket for my inspection sticker being a tad bit expired.
Like January expired.
Since I'd already used the Jedi Mind Trick once this year (wherein I explain to the officer that pulled me over that it's an old car and it's been sitting in a garage for all the expired months and pray that he hadn't seen me driving it like YESTERDAY) I knew the computer would return that I'd been warned once.
Well it did and he wrote me a fucking TICKET on fucking MOTHER'S DAY.
Anyway, it was only expired that long because I had a hole in the body that wouldn't pass inspection and I didn't want to try to fix it myself because I'd never done that kind of body work before. I had till the 16th of this month to get it inspected and go down to the courthouse for my ass-raping so I broke down and did it myself. Considering that it was my first go at it I think it looks alright.
Important thing is I got it inspected this morning and it passed. After which I went to the suit place to get fitted. Turns out that due to my massive hernia being wide open again there was only one that would fit me and it wasn't the one Mom picked out.
Now, Mom called this morning and picked out a suit OVER THE PHONE. God only knows what the fuck it looked like, although I was assured it was black. This is because, as Mom informed me, ALL the men are expected to wear black suits, white shirt, black tie and all the women are all wearing black dresses.
It is Nate's suspicion (and I have to admit he's got something here) that Mom is making all that up because she figures it's the only way to get me to get the suit she wanted me to get.
The one she picked out OVER THE PHONE.
There is historical precedent for this kind of deception, but I think if Mom were really making it up she'd have told me I had to wear some color other than black.
Well the only black one they had in my size just happens to be a tux.
Now, I'm not sure exactly why this is going to be a major problem to Mom, I just know that it WILL be a major fucking problem.
So, you know, stay tuned for that.
Truth be told I was kinda looking forward to wearing just a regular suit for once as tuxes, while they generally make people look good (even my big fat ass) are uncomfortable as hell. Add to that the fact that it's an outdoor wedding in the goddamn south in the middle of a heatwave and that's not a good combination. The humidity should be high enough to practically go fucking swimming and I sweat a LOT.
I may actually pass out.
Stay tuned for that story too.
So I also just found out that I won't be riding with Mom. While this is a MAJOR relief the whole reason I thought I was going in the first place was that she wanted me to ride with her and Grandma (who Mom still insists on taking EVERYWHERE), but it seems that Mom and Grandma are going down on Thursday the 19th and I'm riding down with my sister on the 20th.
So I'm riding down to the wedding with my sister to a place neither of us has ever been to on the day before we need to be there. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY FUCKING GO WRONG?
Anyways, since I'm going down in a separate vehicle from Mom my plan is to stay as far the hell away from her as I possibly can while I'm down there. This basically means that I'll be finding Brian and Andrea (and God-willing the sweet Miss Wednesday) and I'll not be leaving their side for the whole time I'm down there.
Consider that your warning guys.
So if I can manage to avoid Mom as much as possible, including not letting her see me in my tux before the wedding (if she freaks AT the wedding then at least I'll have fucking witnesses) all I'll have to worry about is all the shit she's going to dream up that I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DO while I'm there or the WORLD WILL COME TO AN END.
And she will have a list.
A massive one.
Oh, and for whatever reason she'll want Cathy and I to take Grandma back home. Not sure why, but I know she's gonna do it, and here's the thing about that, Grandma is great and all, but she's 99 and a half years old. For all of my friends that have kids and like to continue saying how many months old their child is after they've gone past 12 that's 1194 months old.
Perhaps it's just me, but I think that's a bit old for taking a road trip to the south in the summertime, but what the fuck do I know?
Anyways, the trip isn't even till the 20th and already it has spiraled WAY the fuck beyond my control.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot the best part, my $31 suit? The one that Mom ordered over the phone that didn't fit me? The one they switched it to turned out to be cheaper than the other one Mom picked out. Great! I finally caught a break! And then the guy says "That'll be $59.95".
Yes, the suit rental that Mom said would be one price turned out to be TWICE AS MUCH even after being replaced by a CHEAPER SUIT.
And people wonder why I can't sleep at night...
And oh yeah, Happy Friday the 13th.