“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard: February 05, 2006

Friday, February 10, 2006

Got that call from my surgeon's secretary today. Seems that I have an appointment at Ruby Memmorial Hospital in good old Morgantown West Virginia on March 9th. There they will be doing all the poking, proding, and testing necessary to get my goddamn surgery done.

I see this as a very positive sign as, not only is Morgantown one of my favorite places on earth (home of my Alma Mater), but Ruby Memorial hospital is right next to my old apartment (Pierpont Apartments Room 411, 445 Oakland St.) which I shared with our very own Rich Fucking Sanders and a host of other malcontents.

And in a fit of nostalgia, and to make sure that everyone possible has read it, I am here reprinting the story of Shawn as posted in my comments by the aforementioned Mr. Fucking Sanders in staggering Rich-O-Vision!

Oh yeh! I've never shared the Brillo story with you all!!!!

Let me start here:

I was taking summer session II @ WVU. Shawn was fucking this HOT girl, Brooke. She was built like a pro beach volleyball player. You know, the hot girls you see on NBC when there isn't football or something like that on.

Any way. One day, Brooke and I are at Kroger, it is summer, she is wearing shorts. Her knees look a little worse for wear, so I asked her if she played volley ball for WVU. She replied that no, she wasn't even a student there. Apparently, she did however spend quality time on her knees.

So, Shawn and I are sitting around a few days later, watching Top Gun or something like that, and he mentions how Brooke had shave her boo-gina for him, and he thought that was cool, because he never had a girl shave JUST for him.

He then says he has to take a shit, and he gets up, goes into the restroom, I hear the commode lid go down. Normal stuff.

Now, Shawn played Rugby, and for him, or any of the other rugby guys to get naked for no particular or obvious reaon (eg- during a kegger) was no big deal, and eventually became a given.

So, rewind. Movie, Shawn shitting. I hear him scream 'No! Fuck! No!' Then I hear the shower curtain fly open and the water come on.

I got up and asked if he was ok. He screamed for me to open the door. When I did, there he stood, nekked in the shower, nuts pulled up in one hand. "That bitch gave me crabs." It was fucking hilarious.

I called the Health Sciences Center (student medical services). The nice nurse on the other line told me "Sir, you need to go to Kroger and buy the spray and the ointment that comes with the little comb, and apply as directed." I assured her it wasn't for me, but she insisted I go to the store to get the stuff for me.

So, we go to the store. The very store I work at. To buy crab spray. Tell me that looked good.

Get back to the apartment, I'm reading the directions to Shawn. I tell him it says to apply the ointment and let is sit for 15 MINUTES. I tell him 15 MINUTES is in big bold black letters.

45 minutes later, he starts trying to comb the things out. His whole crotch is bright red, and you can tell he is in some pain.

Apparently, the comb didn't work, and he asked me to go get a Brillo pad. I said no, and he then said those were his boys, and no one messes with his boys. So, I go into the kitchen, under the sink, grab one, and I am about to wash the powdered glass/soap off it, when I think "Nah- surely he will".

I hand him the Brillo pad- bone dry- and he starts scrubbing away with it.

Since some of his nudity and other highjinks were so common place, he kept a loaded camera at all times, also he considered himself an amateur photographer and it was a farily nice Canon EOS rebel or someshit like that. At least it seemed nice to me.

Well, I took a few pictures of him for good times sake. This was around July or August.

His grandparents had their 50th wedding anniversary that following October. Granny wanted to go see the Grand Canyon. Pappy took her. They had a blast. Shawn even let them borrow his camera, bag, and even instructed them how to use the camera. He even had about 10 or 15 rolls of film in it that were new, and said they could have at those too.

So. Come thanksgiving dinner. The whole (Shawn was a Catholic from PA with a HUGE family- dude had like 9 brothers and a few sisters) family was gathered around the table after the Thanksgiving feast. Granny and Pappy had JUST got the film developed TWO DAYS before the holiday, and wanted to share the moment with the whole family. None of the pictures had been looked at yet. Apparently, the two of them didn't make it out of Western PA that much.

By the grace of God, the first packet of pictures they grabbed out of the bag, the first two pictures, there stood their grandson Shawn. Ass naked. In the shower. Flipping me off. Scrubbing his nuts with a Brillo pad.

Why do I tell this story? Because that is something not every one will EVER see in their fucking life. And I did.

Thank you for your time,
Rich Fucking Sanders
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Thursday, February 09, 2006

So I talked to my surgeon's secretary yesterday morning. She informed me that the cardiac test, the one my surgeon won't do my surgery without, can't be done here because I've gained too much wait while waiting to get my goddamn surgery done and thier machinery isn't rated for my weight.

God dammit.

She's going to call again this morning (meaning a few hours from now) to let me know if they found someplace where I can get it done. This means that IF one of the other hospitals in the state can do the test I'll have to drive a couple hours and get it done, then, pending the outcome of the test, my surgeon may elect to do the surgery.

I'm trying not to see this in my mind as a major setback, certainly I've suffered worse, but then I am still awake at 4 AM talking to you people so that should give you some sense as to my state of mind.

Fortunately, I'm reasonably sure that my heart can withstand anything they throw at it. After all, when I was bleeding to death it did keep going till there was no blood left. Then again, it did stop (an interesting sensation, but I don't recomend it) and that can't have been good for it. My blood pressure has been good consistently before and after that little snafu though, so I should be good.

In other news, I watched the movies 'Waiting' and 'Tim Burton's Corpse Bride'.

'Waiting' stars Ryan Reynolds who delivers one of the best movie quotes ever, it being: "With women, it's always one of two things. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's really no need to ever call them again. Or they DO sleep with you... and then there's really no need to ever call them again."

Unfortunately, this movie sports Andy Milonakis is a supporting role. Fortunately, it's a very small role. I accidentally watched ten minutes of his show on MTV (Beavis & Butthead reruns wen't off and I couldn't find the remote) and I was absolutely horrified. Imagine the Tom Green Show without the talent, humor, direction or dignity. I'll give five bucks to anyone that hits this guy in the face with a brick.

That's five dollars AMERICAN Skippy. So it's gotta be like $50 or so when converted into that Monoply money you Cannucks use.

Waiting is funny and gross. Seriously, if I didn't already have a solid policy of treating people who handle my food with great respect then this movie would have caused me to make one.

'Corpse Bride' I went into apprehensively. Tim Burton and I have had a love-hate relationship. I loved Batman when it came out, but a lot of that love has faded. Batman Returns sucked ass. Beetlejuice was great and I still like it, so was Pee-Wee-s Big Adventure now that I remember it. Haven't seen Nightmare Before Christmas, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks or The Adventures Of Stainboy. Haven't seen Big Fish either, but I can tell from that ads that it's not my cup of tea, as is the same with Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (I didn't like the original, so I doubt I'll like the new one). Sleepy Hollow looked OK, but I fell asleep in it. I'm not against giving it another day in court though (if for no other reason than it has Christopher Walken in it). I'm completely indiferent to Edward Scissorhands, and Planet of the Apes was fucking HORRIBLE.

Having said all that, I was very iffy on Corpse Bride. Turns out I shouldn't have been. I really liked it and would watch it again. In fact, I might actually try out The Nightmare Before Christmas based on the strength of Corpse Bride.

Well that's it for now. I'll write again when the doctor's office calls and hands me the latest in four years worth of crushing setbacks. So tune in! Cause if the blog-visit counter thingie tells me anything it says that you people enjoy reading about my whimsically spiraling journey straight into hell's toilet!

See ya in hell motherfuckers.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

You're Ash, baby.
Gimme some sugar baby.

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