Some of you may have noticed the little temporary suspension of power that affected damn near a quarter of the country, and incidentally New York, a few days ago. Yes, the power went out. Yes I know that’s an inconvenience, but GET FUCKING OVER IT. And no, for your information, I didn’t lose my power.
Here in West-by-god-Virginia we lose our power all the time. Quite often we lose it in the winter. You know what? We fucking deal with it.
I’m sick of the media referring to the “New York Blackout”. If it was just a New York thing then I would laugh about it and go along my merry way, but no, this affected millions of people. Most of them outside the New York area. This proves perfectly the point that I’m well known for mentioning: People in the entertainment industry care about California and New York. If you don’t live in one of those two places, you don’t exist. The people putting together the news coverage live in New York. So they report about how terrible it was in New York. This thing actually affected THEM. This wasn’t some isolated incident out in the ‘fly-over’ states (That’s how they refer to anything between California and New York, by the way), no this happened in what they keep insisting is the greatest city in the world.
And now that I’ve hit on that notion of New York’s self-importance, I’d like to point out that in 1993 we here in WV lost our power for a whole week with three feet of snow outside. It barely made the news. You know why? Because Jessica Lynch was years away from being the only noteworthy thing to come out of the state since Bob Denver, Charles Manson, Don Knotts, and Jennifer Garner (Not necessarily in that order). It was quite a stretch between Manson and Garner indeed. A stretch in which to the entertainment industry WV was above only Alabama, albeit barely, as a place to aim uneducated redneck jokes.
And I know many whiners out there are complaining “But YOU make redneck jokes and make fun of West Virginia’s poor education system!” To those people I would like to take this opportunity to say: FUCK YOU. I have to live here. I’ve earned the right to say whatever the fuck I want about West Virginia. If you disagree you can kiss my white, honky ass.
Where was I going? Oh yeah, fuck New York!. I’ve been there. It smells like a used urinal cake, the people are rude, and nobody gives a fuck about anyone. And the people that live there think they rule the world, and that anyone that doesn’t choose to live in that festering slum is stupid because they don’t live there too. People keep promising that one day California is going to fall into the ocean, and that will be a glorious day indeed, but let’s see if maybe we can get it to take down New York as well. Both places are in serious need of flushing. Fuck them both, we don’t need them. They’re full of people like fucking Jennifer Lopez. She’s high on my list of people I’d like to hit in the face with a brick.
OK, she’s somewhat attractive and she has a big ass. That’s nothing to be famous for. Hell, I have a big ass; can I get a record contract? I can’t sing, but then again Lopez can’t either. And she couldn’t act her way out of a goddamn, wet, paper sack. Apart from that she seems to be a thoroughly loathsome human being whom we’d all be better off without. And I don’t even need to point out the train wreck that is her latest offal-coated outing Gigli and the irreparable damage she’s doing to the piece of Kevin Smith’s furniture that is Ben Affleck. OK, Afleck is good in Kevin Smith movies. That’s pretty much it. I’m willing to admit that Good Will Hunting is a bit of a fluke even though I haven’t seen it, but otherwise he’s box office poison. I watched Reindeer Games for free and I felt cheated. That’s 90 minutes of my life that I’ll never, never get back. But back to my point.
These are the people we chose to look up to. Why is it that if you get on TV now you’re instantly a celebrity? Why the FUCK is Joey fuckin’ Buttafuco a goddamn celebrity now? Can anyone fucking explain that to me please? He had sex with a minor who then shot his unsuspecting wife in the face. Shit, if I were married I could hook that up. Does that mean I’d get a development deal with the WB? And there’s the LA cretins like Kato Kaelin. Apart from his spectacular bong loading skills he possesses no noteworthy attributes whatsoever apart from being the friend of a famous murderer. And of course that brings us to OJ. I know, it’s all PC and shit to be down on OJ. Do I think he did it? Yes. Do I consider it a crime? Not really, no. That woman was a total bitch to him and I can’t outright say she deserved it, but she sure as fuck asked for it. Perhaps he could have hidden it a little better, but what do you want from a crime of passion? And of course it’s irrelevant since he got off anyway. To quote Sammy Kinison: I don’t condone violence against women. I UNDERSTAND it, but I don’t condone it.
We’ve accepted so much criminal activity from our celebrities that we’re now making celebrities out of our criminals. No wonder we, on a subconscious level, expect so little from the ‘beautiful people’ (And I mean that in the strictest Marilyn Manson sense of the term).
Anyway, these people suck and the public insists on looking to them for leadership and such. And look at them. People are practically giving New York a fucking medal for not immediately resorting to some type of futuristic bloodsport of ritual beheadings for the rulership of the earth when the power went out for a few goddamn hours. Boo-fucking-hoo. Same thing happened a few years ago when California went through it’s little power crisis.
Does it tell you something, New York and Los Angeles, when people look to you in a crisis the way school kids look at the class fuck-up when the teacher has to leave the room? The power went out, you behaved yourselves. Wanna cookie? I’m not going to commend you for doing something that society should reasonably expect from you. Nobody is commending Ohio for keeping their heads. Nobody said a word about the peaceful night spent in Pennsylvania, or the non-looting in Canada. Shit, even Michigan kept their heads about them. Michigan! (Hi Zombs. :D)
You really want to impress me NY/LA? Next time the power goes out, do what I, and probably most of the rest of the world did and normally does: READ A FUCKING BOOK.
Now excuse me, I’m gonna go read ‘Fight Club’ again. Somebody send OJ Jennifer Lopez’s address willya?
I’m Ford W. Maverick, and I’ll see you in hell.