“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard: July 06, 2003

Saturday, July 12, 2003

As many of you know, I have a roommate. A roommate and an assortment of people who crash on my couches for days at a time. (That’s right, COUCHES plural. I’m livin’ the good life, Baby!) Given that we’re all single, hetero males (With the possible exception of Brian, but that’s just a theory), the place can become quite a mess. I bring this up only because this morning, alright, this afternoon, the dishes reached critical mass and I wanted to eat something that couldn’t be eaten off of a stolen McDonalds napkin (and you other hetero males know that there isn’t much that CAN’T be eaten off a McDonalds napkin).

So I set about washing some of the dishes. Not ALL of the dishes, as I didn’t dirty ALL of them. In fact, most of the ones I needed to make my DiGiorno pizza were not dirtied by me, but I had to bite the bullet here. So as I enter the home stretch I notice that the water in the sink isn’t draining and I, for some insane reason, decide to find out why. The blockage, for the most part, was week old pizza crust from my last pizza left there by my younger sister. How do I know it was left there by my younger sister? Because even though she’s 19 years old she’s still the only person I know that won’t eat fucking pizza crust. She’s also one of the few people I know that will throw that pizza crust in the sink knowing that it won’t be noticed till she’s gone. This crime is doubled by the fact that the sink is RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING TRASH CAN! Nobody else does this, and I live with a rather crude assortment of people, but they’re people that never throw anything in the sink that won’t fit down the little holes.

This is why I point out that we are heterosexual, not out of some latent homophobia. No, thing is homosexual men share something in common with heterosexual women (the example of my sister not withstanding) in that they have a tendency to clean up after themselves. Their clothes, bodies and environments have a tendency to be rather tidy, whereas a hetero male would live in his own filth in a cave if it had cable. Actually, looking around my place, it is rather cave-like…

So as I’m pulling out gooey bits of wet bread and all that has gotten stuck in it over the last week I find something wholly remarkable. I find a popcorn kernel. Now, a popcorn kernel is far from unusual in my kitchen. I love popcorn and I make it often. In fact, I’m something of a popcorn master, just ask the guys who live on the couches. No, what’s remarkable is the fact that it had sprouted. Not just sprouted, but sprouted and grown FOUR FUCKING INCHES TALL. That’s not counting the root. It was three inches. So, in revision, it was a seven inch popcorn sprout.

Anyways, the kitchen is a little bit cleaner, my sister has lost her food privileges, and I have a new houseplant. What’s my point? Hell, I don’t know, was I supposed to have one?

I’m Ford W. Maverick and I’ll see you in hell.

"Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It's great for the first two weeks." - Late Humorist, Lewis Grizzard

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Allright people, the Infernal Triad of Terribly Wrong have thrown down the gauntlet and are seeking questions from you the readers for thier advice collumn. I've provided a link to your left, or you can just click here for as long as this text is up. They fear no question, they do not feel pain, they cannot be reasoned with, and they absolutely will not stop until your questions are answered. Just beware, they ain't Ann Landers.

Monday, July 07, 2003

You just have to see this. There simply aren't words to describe it (No it's not graphic pictures, it's simply disturbing text). The latest on The Sims.

American Idle
By Ford W. Maverick

Those who know me, know that I am a huge movie fan. As such, I was moved to shit at the news that Justin and Kelly from American Idol had a movie coming out. I should point out that I passionately hate ‘Reality’ television. Reality TV is proof that the evil forces of the universe are truly real and mean us harm. American Idol is one of the worst.

Now I will admit, I do enjoy the Osbournes, but this is due solely to the necessarily constant presence of Ozzy Osbourne. I’ve been an Ozzy fan since the first time I heard “Secret Loser” in the 80’s, I’ve seen him in concert 8 times (four of those times with the reformed Black Sabbath) and though it’s hard watching him get old and lose his faculties, I’ll be an Ozzy fan forever. The contestants on American Idol, however, should be forgotten the day after the show ends if not sooner. Who gives a flying shit about these people?

So, the first seal was opened when they got onto television. The second was undone when they got a movie deal. Pardon my asking, I mean I never watched the show, but didn’t they get on Idol to SING? What is it with singers thinking they can act? I blame fucking Jennifer Lopez. She’s another person I’d like to hit in the face with a brick. OK, she’s somewhat attractive and she has a big ass. That’s nothing to be famous for. Hell, I have a big ass; can I get a record contract? I can’t sing, but then again Lopez can’t either. And she couldn’t act her way out of a goddamn, wet, paper sack. Apart from that she seems to be a thoroughly loathsome human being whom we’d all be better off without. But back to the fucking “Idols”.

So someone gave them a movie deal. Some slime soaked LA cretin, who probably knows the damage that such a union could bring to the national psyche and just doesn’t care, gave Justin and Kelly (Do they have last fucking names? Ahh what fucking difference does it make…) fucking movie deals. All of this was bad enough, but for some reason I still cannot fathom it seems Hollywood has set out to hurt us. They allowed them to settle on a script that they ingratiatingly called “Grease for the millennium”.

In yet another side-note I must point out that I think Grease is one of the all time WORST films ever made. I would rather have my balls pounded flat with a wooden hammer than have to watch that fucking movie, let alone a REMAKE of that fucking movie starring two glaring examples of all that is wrong with this planet. “But what could you have against Grease?” I hear you say. Well I hear the women say it. I don’t know why, but women love that fucking movie and I’ll never understand it. This would vex me if understanding women was very high on my list of priorities.

I’ll tell you what I have against it. First of all, I hate musicals. The only exceptions to this rule are “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”, “South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut”, and “Cannibal: The Musical”. For those of you that don’t know, Cannibal is the student film of the South Park guys. The first in the Cannibal, Baseketball, South Park trilogy, and I cannot possibly recommend it more. And don’t forget the commentary track, it’s brilliant.

Second: I hate the greaser nostalgia. That Fonzie, Du-wop, Bowser, Sha-Na-Na, bullshit. I grew up in rural West Virginia in the 80’s, and given that West Virginia is at least 20 years behind the rest of the world at any given moment I’ve already lived through that shit. My high school was like the Outsiders only without the ambition and the literacy rate.

My point here is as allways: everyone that’s not me sucks, or more specifically to the TV people: Fuckin’ cut it out willya? Jesus Christ!

I’m Ford W. Maverick, and Ill see you in hell.

Hey, you should check out Skippy Stallin's blog too now that I know what it is. He's a Canadian, but don't hold that against him.