American Idle
By Ford W. Maverick

Those who know me, know that I am a huge movie fan. As such, I was moved to shit at the news that Justin and Kelly from American Idol had a movie coming out. I should point out that I passionately hate ‘Reality’ television. Reality TV is proof that the evil forces of the universe are truly real and mean us harm. American Idol is one of the worst.

Now I will admit, I do enjoy the Osbournes, but this is due solely to the necessarily constant presence of Ozzy Osbourne. I’ve been an Ozzy fan since the first time I heard “Secret Loser” in the 80’s, I’ve seen him in concert 8 times (four of those times with the reformed Black Sabbath) and though it’s hard watching him get old and lose his faculties, I’ll be an Ozzy fan forever. The contestants on American Idol, however, should be forgotten the day after the show ends if not sooner. Who gives a flying shit about these people?

So, the first seal was opened when they got onto television. The second was undone when they got a movie deal. Pardon my asking, I mean I never watched the show, but didn’t they get on Idol to SING? What is it with singers thinking they can act? I blame fucking Jennifer Lopez. She’s another person I’d like to hit in the face with a brick. OK, she’s somewhat attractive and she has a big ass. That’s nothing to be famous for. Hell, I have a big ass; can I get a record contract? I can’t sing, but then again Lopez can’t either. And she couldn’t act her way out of a goddamn, wet, paper sack. Apart from that she seems to be a thoroughly loathsome human being whom we’d all be better off without. But back to the fucking “Idols”.

So someone gave them a movie deal. Some slime soaked LA cretin, who probably knows the damage that such a union could bring to the national psyche and just doesn’t care, gave Justin and Kelly (Do they have last fucking names? Ahh what fucking difference does it make…) fucking movie deals. All of this was bad enough, but for some reason I still cannot fathom it seems Hollywood has set out to hurt us. They allowed them to settle on a script that they ingratiatingly called “Grease for the millennium”.

In yet another side-note I must point out that I think Grease is one of the all time WORST films ever made. I would rather have my balls pounded flat with a wooden hammer than have to watch that fucking movie, let alone a REMAKE of that fucking movie starring two glaring examples of all that is wrong with this planet. “But what could you have against Grease?” I hear you say. Well I hear the women say it. I don’t know why, but women love that fucking movie and I’ll never understand it. This would vex me if understanding women was very high on my list of priorities.

I’ll tell you what I have against it. First of all, I hate musicals. The only exceptions to this rule are “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”, “South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut”, and “Cannibal: The Musical”. For those of you that don’t know, Cannibal is the student film of the South Park guys. The first in the Cannibal, Baseketball, South Park trilogy, and I cannot possibly recommend it more. And don’t forget the commentary track, it’s brilliant.

Second: I hate the greaser nostalgia. That Fonzie, Du-wop, Bowser, Sha-Na-Na, bullshit. I grew up in rural West Virginia in the 80’s, and given that West Virginia is at least 20 years behind the rest of the world at any given moment I’ve already lived through that shit. My high school was like the Outsiders only without the ambition and the literacy rate.

My point here is as allways: everyone that’s not me sucks, or more specifically to the TV people: Fuckin’ cut it out willya? Jesus Christ!

I’m Ford W. Maverick, and Ill see you in hell.