How the hell do those people do it? I only need a couple hundred bucks and I feel bad enough about soliciting the public for it, but there are fuckers out there getting thousands of dollars to pay off shit they didn't need.

Is that what I need to do? Go out and run up a $20,000 credit card bill for overpriced (though undeniably delicious) Starbucks coffee and fucking lingerie? Will that then make me worthy of some of the internet's sweet bounty?

I had money, abouta year's salary at my old job, and I actually stretched it out and lived off it for the last three and a half years while waiting on the help the government promised me. I don't have any goddamn credit cards. I've been patient and lived within my means and as a result I live in a shitty house in a shitty nieghborhood and that doesn't even bother me. Well, it does bother me, but thanks to whatever mental illness I'm currently suffering from it doesn't bother me that much. Just when the bills are coming due and I have no money to pay them.

All I want is to keep my damn utilities turned on and continue this fool's quest to get my surgery done.

PS: If I can keep my shit turned on I promise I'll start being funny again.

Gimme Some Money
Artist(Band):Spinal Tap


Stop wasting my time
You know what I want
You know what I need
Or maybe you don't

Do I have to come right
Flat out and tell you everything?

Gimme some money
Gimme sone money

I'm nobody's fool
I'm nobody's clown
I'm treating you cool
I'm putting you down

But baby I don't intend to leave empty handed

Gimme some money
Gimme some money

Don't get me wrong
Try getting me right
Your face is ok but your purse is too tight

I'm looking for pound notes
Loose change
Bad checks, anything

Gimme some money
Gimme some money


People often ask me why I still live here in West Virginia. It’s partially because most of my friends and family are here, but it’s also because two months out of the year it’s the most beautiful place on earth. Everything is green and blooming and one need only go outside too feel better about oneself.

This happens over two out of every three months of summer we’re allotted here. The rest of the time the bare twisted branches of the trees seem to claw at the relentlessly gray sky like a premature burial victim on a coffin lid as an eternity of depression crushes the soul of anyone stupid enough to live here.

So I was feeling pretty good about myself the last few days and the universe, knowing that I was feeling pretty good about myself, decided to kick me in the nuts again.

First off, I find myself in quite a financial pickle again. A certain aspect of my funding was suddenly yanked from under me and I now face the imminent shutoff of some of my favorite utilities. Having said that, I would like to direct any charitable minded readers to the donation button to your left there.

Why do I need donations? Because the government is still fucking me in the ass relentlessly. They told me that they could help me. I began the application process for disability benefits on April 4th. I was informed today that they would make their decision on August 4th.

That’s five months. FIVE FUCKING MONTHS to decide if a guy with a BASKETBALL SIZED FUCKING HERNIA is having medical woes or not.

Yeah. I tried to support myself through this and it didn’t work. Well, it did work, while the money lasted, but since the government has drawn this out so long I’m tapped out and they still can’t decide if I need money.

I know, there are people a lot worse off than I am and I’m fortunate that I’m not one of them, but if they’d only helped me when I asked for it this would all be over and done with.

That’s right, the Man is keeping me down ladies and gentlemen.

Now, I’d like to point out that I’m NOT hitting up my friends for money. If you know me in real life or you’ve sent me money in the past I’m not asking for your money. I’m asking for the money of anyone that feels the need to help out anonymous web-people.

Concerned that your corrupt religion is going to spend your tithes on new fucking hats instead of the good of the people? Send it to me, I’ll put it to good use.

Are you a woman that’s into well-hung fat guys? Send me money and I’ll give you directions to my house.

Need to get rid of ill-gotten gains? I don’t ask questions. It’s all clean money to me.

Need to launder drug and/or blood money? Lets talk.

And if you’ve ever given money to someone online to pay for their goddamn credit cards like this bitch then you fucking OWE ME MONEY. I don’t have a house full of fucking Prada crap. I have to finance a bulk package of fucking Ramen Noodles. I’m goddamn BROKE people.

And I know what you’re thinking “But you’re a talented, educated person…” Yes I am, and damn smooth to boot. “Surely you can get a job?” Well, no. It was hard enough finding a job when I was 100% healthy, but now I can’t do anything that requires physical effort and even jobs that aren’t physically strenuous won’t take me for fear that my condition will worsen on their watch and I might put in a workers comp claim.

The job market just fucking sucks here.

So I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. This other bitch got a bunch of suckers to pay for her $20,000 credit card debt and she got a book deal out of it. Well if you fuckers can help me keep my utilities turned on till such time as the goddamn government decides I’ve waited long enough, then I’ll get a book deal and I’ll mention all of you in the book. I’ll even go so far as to write whatever you want me to say about you, or anyone else for that matter (unless it’ll get me sued).

Or better yet, you have a job that needs filling? Are you in the Parkersburg area? Fucking hire me. You’ll be surprised at what I’ll be willing to do for money at this point.

Need artwork for a website or online merchandise? I’m familiar with both mediums.

Need a grant written? I’ve done several.

Need a term paper? Send me what research you’ve got and I’ll fill in the blanks. The cost will vary depending on the prestige of the school and the desired grade.

Or, if you work in the government and you have any influence in Social Security you can pay me for my story or you can pay me to shut up about it, just PAY ME. Having an affair with an intern? Need her to just “go away”? Let’s talk.

This is what the bastards have reduced me to me to. I need help and I no longer care where I get it from.

Now give me money!

Down On The Farm

(Charles Harper/Alvin Gibbs/Nicholas Garrett) Embassy Music
BMI adm. by Music Sales Corporation
Originally recorded by The UK Subs - 1980
---

All I need is some inspiration
Before I do somebody some harm
I feel just like a vegetable
Down here on the farm

Nobody comes to see me
Nobody here to turn me on
I ain't even got a lover
Down here on the farm

They told me to get healthy
They told me to get some sun
But boredom eats me like catsup
Down here on the farm

Drinking lemonade shanty
Ain't no body gonna do me harm
But I'm like a fish out of water
Down here on the farm

I write a thousand letters
'til my fingers all gone numb
But I never see no postman
Down here on the farm

I call my baby on the telephone
I say come down and have some fun
But she knows what the score is
Down here on the farm

I can't fall in love with a wheat field
I can't fall in love with a barn
When everything smells like horse shit
Down here on the farm

Blue skies and swimming pools
Add so much charm
But I'd rather be back in Soho
Than down here on the farm

On the fucking farm!

Are you born in a fucking barn or what?

Baaaaaa!

Yes, that's right people, it's that time of year again. Tomorrow, myself and the usual crew are going down to the farm. If you're reading this and you wanna go with us contact me via email, phone, etc and you can follow us down. It's BYOB, RSVP, ASAP.

PS: If you don't know how to contact me then you haven't been paying attention. That or I'm avoiding you because you suck.