I got this e-mail yesterday:

Hello,

You have been sending me this virus for a long time.. and it comes
almost every day. Im kinda getting tired of it.. and if you do not have
your computer fixed soon, your ISP (Internet Service Providor) will
be contacted and your service will be shut off until you call them out
to fix your problem.

If you want to avoid this, I suggest you install this patch that will clean
your system of this virus. It has been attached as a file.


Simply download and run the file, it will auto-clean for you without
any complications.

Thank You,
Edgar



At this point I’d like to point out that I check for viruses regularly and I have a firewall. Now I’m no hacker, but I think my computer is just a little bit smarter than this jackass.

I know that you shouldn’t reply to mail like this, but I couldn’t resist.


Thank you edgar for your poor attempt at installing either spyware or a virus on my PC. I'm afraid I won't be downloading your program which, by the way was even red-flagged by hotmail as a virus.

My advice to you is:

#1: when sending virus mail make sure you spelled everything right (and I'm not telling you what you spelled wrong)

and

#2: get a new fucking program. If Hotmail can identify your virus, it's a shitty virus.

In short, fuck you. Fuck you right in your stupid fucking ass.

Sincerely, Ford W. Maverick.

PS: Good luck in contacting my service provider. If you do actually get a response from them please let me know how you did it. I've been trying to get a hold of them for quite some time.

So I went to the doctor’s office today.

I filled out some papers, he filled out some papers, he made copies of the papers I brought with me.

There were lots of papers.

He then checked the basics.

My heart is in great shape (and I do so love how surprised everyone seems to be upon hearing that).

My ears are fine, even after the punishment they took at the mercy of my stereo on the drive over.

My eyes, though completely red and more light-sensitive than ever, are still 20/20 (with my glasses on).

My reflexes are seemingly non-existent. I explained that I was operating on about 3 hours sleep and massive HALO 2 overdose and he adjusted the results accordingly.

Pretty much everything was as it should have been except for a HUGE FUCKING HERNIA.

Which he didn’t even look at.

That’s right. He said he believed me when I told him I had a hernia and that he didn’t need to see it.

And yes, that did seem unusual, and yes, I did ask him if he was sure, but there’s only so many times you can ask a grown man if he want’s you to take your shirt off before it begins to feel awkward.

The number of times is usually one, and that’s only under particular circumstances. Circumstances like him being a doctor, or you’ve just gotten a new badass tattoo/scar, or you’re working your way through college dancing in a gay, biker, strip club…

Anyways, it only took me like half a fucking hour to find the place since only half of its sign was up. The half that said CARE. I found the half that said HEALTH leaning against the wall inside along with two of the address numbers that also would have been helpful in finding the fucking place.

I actually found the right building by stopping at the first building that had people standing outside and asking them for directions. YES, women and stand-up comedians, men DO ask for directions when left with no alternative, we just don’t do it around women. It just happened that the place I pulled over was where I needed to go.

I rule that way.

By the way, I still don’t know anything about weather this helped me or not. He had to send all the papers off somewhere and I’ll probably have to go see another doctor or three.

I’m sure at least one of them will want to see me shirtless.

So I get back to my place and I park out front since I needed to take Nate to work later in the day, and I’m stopped by the crazy neighbor lady. You remember, the one that called my Mom and told her that Nate was sitting on the front porch drinking beer, smoking pot and calling her a nosy bitch? The one that called my Mom ant threatened to call Code Enforcement if I didn’t do the edging on my lawn?

Yeah, that one.

She stopped me to tell me that the kid that comes by sometimes in the red car to pick up Nate looked over at her when she was on her porch having a smoke and informed her that his balls itched.

I’m really not making this up.

I couldn’t.

Really.

Apparently, anything that’s said in or near my house that can be heard from her porch must be aimed directly at her and she’s not shy about voicing her indignation to myself and my mother.

It’s starting to piss me off.

Yes, the guy with the red car (Gage, like in Pet Semetary) did say one night that his balls did indeed itch, but I remember the incident and though he was on his way out the front door, his head was still within my dwelling. And yes, Nate probably did say something one night about a “nosy neighbor bitch”, but it’s a little presumptuous of her to assume that she was the nosy neighbor bitch in question.

And this just a few days after my friends Ryan and Raychel left my house to find their car egged and something in the street on fire.

Where’s my fucking gun?

So I finally figured out what’s wrong with my car stereo.

Well, not exactly what’s wrong with it, but how to make it work again anyway.

See, my car is perhaps the finest piece of steel to ever roll out of 1975, but therein lies the major problem: it rolled out of 1975.

Regardless of that, my friend Mike and I managed to replace the old Philco AM radio (not even FM, just AM) with a CD player and 120 watt amplifier, which I figured would have blown the car’s original alternator long ago.

Well it hasn’t.

What has happened is I’ll be driving and the radio will take a spell where it’ll lose power every time I push down on the accelerator and begin playing again when I let off the accelerator.

It’ll do this for hours, days, maybe even months. It’s baffled us ever since we installed the thing.

Well today I had an epiphany.

I noticed that the radio came back on when I pushed in the cigarette lighter, and would stay on till the lighter heated up and popped out.

We installed the cigarette lighter when we put the radio in and we hooked them both to the same power line. If anything, this should mean the radio would lose power every time the cig lighter was pushed in, not the opposite.

It seems that the lighter itself is completing the circuit and all the times when it wasn’t working the lighter wasn’t pushed all the way in.

So that’s solved.

But my gas gauge isn’t. In fact, it’s getting worse. It actually ran out the other day and I had to push it about an 8th of a mile.

Doesn’t sound far, but I’m in bad shape physically and the car weighs like two freaking tons.

That’s it for now. Back to HALO 2.

Oh, one last thing. Tomorrow (Wed, Nov 17th) I have my physical to see if I can't get some government assistance in getting my surgery done.

Wish me luck. I typically need it.