“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard: May 20, 2007

Friday, May 25, 2007

So yesterday I wake up with a strange looking bruise on my head.

I don't recall having been hit in the head recently, but then that's the thing about blunt trauma to the head; you quite often don't remember it.

I would have mentioned it earlier, but I don't have a functioning digital camera (oh, how interesting this blog would be if I could just snap pictures at will...) and without a picture to go with it this story would be kinda pointless.

Then I remembered that I have a scanner...

Yes, that's my head in my scanner. This was either a brilliant thing or a really stupid thing. I guess we'll find out at my next CAT-Scan, won't we?

But yeah, that's the bruise next to the pointy end of the big arrow (as is traditional with arrows). No idea where it came from.

Brian and Andrea were down last weekend. Maybe I made one too many remarks about the charming, young Miss Wednesday and Andrea clocked me in the head real good and i don't remember it. It's either that or I was abducted by aliens.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but it can't possibly be Lycanthropy because I'm up all night and I would notice if I was turning into a werewolf.


Although it WOULD explain the deer carcass in the hallway...

Oh, by the way Andrea, if you really want to make sure nothing ever happens between Wednesday and I you should bring her up here with you sometime (like I keep suggesting) and bring her by the house, because there's no fucking way I'm EVER getting any action in here:

And just for good measure, if any woman were to make it past my living room they get to see my upstairs wallpaper:

Yeah. My Grandma and my Mom put that up in the early 80's. Grandma liked it. Of course, she WAS raised by whiskey bootleggers...

And the bathroom... well, even I don't like going in there. it's the only shower I know of where you come out dirtier than you went in.

I really need sleep though. More later. I'll leave you with the first installment of a feature I'm calling: "Things I've Learned"

Things That I've Learned

1. If you buy less than a dollars' worth of gas the clerk gets pissed at you.
2. Chocolate frosting, while delicious, is NOT a nutritious breakfast.
3. If you compress a thighmaster in one hand and release it in Brian's chest he goes down like a bitch.
4. Phone cords have electricity running through them and you therefore you should not strip the wires with your teeth.
5. Running low voltage current through your front teeth is unpleasant.
6. Strippers do NOT look as good by the light of day as they do under blacklights.
7. The ugliest movie hooker looks better than 99% of real hookers.
8. AC/DC is the greatest band that ever lived.
9. NEVER put ketsup on squid.
10. If it ain't broke, break it.
11. If it is broke duct tape is always the answer.
12. Nail guns are not toys.

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket You know how people say that you shouldn't mock the dead or take pleasure in the pain, misfortune or death of another human being?

Yeah, I'm making a goddamn exception here. Falwell represented everything that is wrong with organized religion and he's one of the key contributors to my attitude in that respect.

FUCK Jerry Falwell. I don't believe in hell, but I fucking hope you're there anyway, and I hope Satan is gay and thinks you have a "purty mouth".

And you know what else? Actually, I'm gonna stop there. Not out of respect for the dead, just because I could go on for hours about that blight on our collective human consciousness and I've already wasted enough time on that worthless, soulless, pig-fucking hunk of shit.

Fucking Christ...

In other news, some of you may have seen the little map down on the left side of the blog that shows where my readers are and you may be as shocked as I am to see that I'm being read worldwide.

I mean, yeah, most of those people probably wandered in here by accident looking for necrophiliac porn, but it still fucking counts goddammit!

Anyhow, I found the map dealie on Skippy's blog. I'd love to have the number of hits he does, but to get them I'd have to follow politics and/or have something relevant to say about them.

Yeah, fuck that right?

And just so you don't think he's a one trick pony or anything, he does make with the dick jokes too.

Jeremy's been coming over a lot more lately since school's out and he's been bringing his PS2 over. I know, I know, I'm an X-Box fan, but between the two Guitar Hero games and the two God Of War games I've been having a pretty kick-ass time.

Maybe kick-ass enough to tide me over till Halo 3 comes out...

Thanks to Guitar Hero though I've been exposed to a great goddamn song that I've thus far been unable to find anywhere, so I can only get it out of my head after playing it in the game.

Or I guess I could just listen to it there. God I fucking love YouTube. Now I can expose you fuckers to all the stuff I love, making you more like me and thus completing phase one of my world domination plans!

And they said I was mad! AH-HA-HA-HA!!!

Suck on this for no reason at all!

Kneel before my POWER!!!