“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard: March 07, 2004

Friday, March 12, 2004

So I'm into day two of housesitting for my little (in the sense of age only) brother. He and his inlaws are in DC till tomorrow.

I probably shouldn't have agreed to do this, since every minute here reminds me of how crappy my place is. Of course, this place is costing like $600 a month plus utilities, but then again it is a kick-ass house. My place is free, but it's kind of a shithole. Hopefully I'll be able to do something about that once the nice spring weather gets here.

Anyways, the point of today's little adventure is that I saw something last night that took me totally by surprise.

See, I'm watching a dog and three cats. They're the main reason I was asked to housesit. If not for them my brother and sister-in-law could have just left a key with someone and saved themselves a lot of the food they left in thier kitchen.

So I'm siting in the living room late last night, in my underwear, eating Ben & Jerry's 'Cherry Garcia' and playing 'Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic' (YES, again...) when the newest cat starts howling in a way I've never heard a cat howl before.

At this point we need to do a roll call.

Dog: Dana

Cat #1: Sugar

Cat #2: Spice

Cat #3: Evey (as in everything nice)

These cat names are as strong an argument as I can make against marriage. Yes, my sister-in-law is turning my brother into a giant pussy. A six-foot-three, 300 lb PUSSY.

So anyway, the newest cat, Evey (*shudder*) starts yowling like she's being slowly fed into a meat grinder. I look over and she's in the middle of the floor, completely alone. About the time she starts sticking her ass up in the air I realize that she's in heat. I figure, great, I get to listen to this noise all night.

So the dog starts sniffing the cat's ass.

At his point I should point out that all four animals are female.

I pick up a dog toy and take aim at Dana (this is a little communication method we've worked out) and before I can let fly she starts licking the cat's upturned ass. And the cat, naturally is LOVING it. Backing right up into the dog.

Don't see that shit on Discovery, do you?

So now I have to take time out of my video game playing to keep my brother's lesbian, inter-species-relationship pets separated. I feel so... Republican.

I only wish I could make up shit that was as interestingly fucked-up as my life naturally is.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

up·date ( P ) Pronunciation Key (p-dt)
tr.v. up·dat·ed, up·dat·ing, up·dates
To bring up to date: update a textbook; update the files.

n. (pdt)
Information that updates something.
The act or an instance of bringing something up to date.
An updated version of something.

Yeah I'm back. God forbid I should take a few days off.

Pushy fuckers.

I'd like to say I was doing something important, but the simple truth of the matter is I didn't have anything to write about.

It happens you know.

All I've really got to report at this time is that I'm spending the next few days at my brother's place while he's out of town.

Oh, looks like I have a speaking engagement on Saturday. Yeah, Mikey talked me into reading one of my pieces at some Unitarian Universalist (Unitards, as I like to call them) gatherings of some sort. As it's been some time since I've read any of my stuff in a semi-public forum this could be interesting. Hell, it could be downright fascinating, just depends on how big a mashochist you are. Anyways, if you're in the Marietta Ohio area it's at some church (*shudder*) near the football field. I know that's not the best directions, but it's a damn church. I don't attend them, and I don't spend enough time in Marietta to know the damn street names. All I know is you find the football field, follow the river past this chinese restaurant, turn right and keep going till you see the church.

Yeah, I know directions by restaurants. What did you expect? It's my big fat ass. My ass has power, dammit. A mutant tracking ability that enables it to find Chinese restaurants, thus making itself bigger and fatter.

One day you will all bow down before the power of my ass.

Wouldn't you know my main competition for world domination would be my own ass...

Anyways, if you know the church I'm talking about, come by Saturday at like 7 PM I think it was. All I ask is that you keep the thrown objects relatively soft.

Konichiwa, Bitches.