“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard: August 02, 2009

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Hey guys, been busy, you know how it is.

Anyways, tomorrow I'm heading out to Mom's place for a week. A solid week in 80 degree temperatures with an average 90% humidity? Oh, JOY!

So I thought I'd entertain you mutants a little bit before I ship out.

Who's a lucky reader? You are! Yes you are!

Anyhow, one of the things that's kept me busy and unable to keep you all informed as to my masturbation habits was spending two days at last weekend's Irish Festival in Dublin Ohio. It's pretty cool if you've never been. Good food, interesting exhibits and good music. It was, in fact, during some of that music that the next little vignette in my life occurs.

Before I go any further though, remember in my last post when I said “If you're reading this, and you know me in real life, and continuing to hang out with me in real life is contingent on some baseline level of perceived maturity on my part and/or respect for me and the things that go on within my head you may not want to read any further.” ? Well this is another one of those posts. In fact, just to save time, we should probably just assume that all my posts are like that.

Maybe I should add that to my blog warning? Seems like it would save everyone some effort.

Anyways, where was I? Oh, right, it was Friday night and K and I were watching Gaelic Storm close out the main stage. Some of you may remember Gaelic Storm as the band that was playing in the stowage scene in the movie Titanic a few years back, but you really shouldn't hold that against them as they're actually quite good.

So I'd been walking all day and, seeing as I was in the presence of a lady, I'd been holding back a massive fart for more than an hour. Well it's like ten thirty or so in the evening, we have a rock band on one side of us and about 15 feet behind us is a huge, noisy, electrical generator for the lights. Lot of noise. K excuses herself to go get a drink and I figure here's my chance.

Now, public farting is always a risky prospect. Actually, let me rephrase that, it's a risky prospect in public when that public involves both genders. If it's just guys farting is kind of encouraged. Especially if there's beer involved. If there are women around, especially if they're someone you happen to be dating, are trying to date, or just wanna fuck (which if you're me is 90% of the women you know, not counting close family members) then you just don't want to let one loose. Especially one you've been stifling for more than an hour.

A poorly timed fart can have dire consequences, and not just in a relationship. It's a little known fact that the Battle of Agincourt might have been avoided entirely had Constable Charles d'Albret not eaten a rather questionable rice pudding on the eve of Saint Crispin's Day, resulting in what is now considered the most deadly fart in human history.

The second most deadly fart is credited to the late Chris Farley.

So I look around me. Fairly open space. The nearest people to me are actually sitting on the noisy generator some distance behind me. The coast is as clear as it's going to get, check the wind direction, then, very subtly, I raise one ass cheek and let it go...

Now, some of you may not know my personal history, but due to my medical problems I had lost the use of my anus for most of the year 2002. For 11 out of those 12 months I was shitting into a bag that was stuck to my stomach. I mention this, because after losing the ability to fart and then regaining it one has a renewed sense of perspective on the act.

Given that background, this was a pretty good one.

But here's why I told you all of this. Moments after this fart, with a rock band on one side and an electrical generator on the other, a woman I've never seen before comes up and taps me on the shoulder and says “Nice fart!”

She had to yell to be heard over all the noise, but it was very clear.

Now, my question to all of you is this... how the hell do you respond to that? I mean, was she trying to shame me for my act of public farting? Or was she complimenting me? I mean, she was smiling when she said it. Come to think of it, she wasn't bad looking either, definitely within the aforementioned 90%, but could I really go out with someone when the relationship was based on my farting prowess?

Actually, I probably could, but I'm glad we'll never have to know as she was lost in the crowd mere seconds after her statement.

So anyhow, good festival this year.

I'll be out at Mom's for about a week I guess. I'll have to stick pretty close to the house, so I'll mostly be working on the car. Come on by if you know where the house is. If you don't know where it is, but you have my number give me a call. If you don't know either, well, sucks to be you I guess.