“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard: November 09, 2003

Saturday, November 15, 2003

So, as it was inevitable, we rented “Terminator 3”.

Now, I need to preface this post by saying that I really loved the first two “Terminator” films and I own them both.

Will I be buying the third one? NO. In fact, I’m glad that I’m not the one that paid the rental fee on the copy we watched.

Watching “Terminator 3” is kinda like staple-gunning your nuts to a board. Slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

I can just see the pitch meeting for this movie. I’m sure it went something like this:

Executive 1: “Hey, we’ve got Schwartzenegger for a movie. What do you want to do with him?”

Executive 2: “Those robot movies made money right? What was he, the Executioner or something? Let’s do one of those.”

Executive 1: “Well, we tried, but we couldn’t get any of the other writers or actors from the other ones.”

Executive 2: “Who needs them? Just re-do the crap from the other two movies, who’ll know the difference?”

Executive 1: “What about the fans?”

Executive 2: “Fuck ‘em.”

And thus a movie franchise is destroyed. How Joel Schumacher wasn’t involved with this I’ll never know, but he now has competition in the form of one Jonathan Mostow. Some of you may remember him from 1989’s “Beverly Hills Body Snatchers”, or from the more recent “U-571”, which I’ve heard was a halfway decent picture but I can’t comment on it as I haven’t seen it.
As much as we were all fans of the two true Terminator movies we tried very hard to like the new one, but even with our brains set on the “Arnold” level of disbelief-suspension, as Jeremy ‘the atomic Jew’ so eloquently put it, there were still several WTF (What The Fuck???) moments. Such as the new T-X, or ‘Terminatrix’, botching several opportunities to kill the stupid wuss that John Connor has become by this point in the story and the fact that, even though Connor (ineptly played by Nick Stahl ) SAW the Arnold from T-2 die in a vat of molten steel, he assumes that the new Arnold is the old Arnold. Perhaps, it could be argued that since Arnold IS a time traveler then perhaps it could be him from another time, perhaps BEFORE he died. Problem is, the time displacement equipment only goes one way. Well, there’s that problem and then there’s the fact that the new John Connor is kind of an idiot and couldn’t have arrived at that level of thought without at least a bong.

And who the FUCK keeps giving Claire Danes work? Has she EVER done a good movie? Certainly none that I'm aware of. When will people learn?: Being cute does not give one acting talent.

Is this making sense? God knows the movie doesn’t. I could go on about this shit for hours, but that would involve killing whatever small pleasure you might possibly derive from watching this piece of crap, which I urge you to do only if torture is the only other option. Even then, there are levels of torture that would be preferable to watching this work of cinematic ass-rape.
The first movie was far-fetched, but it worked. The second movie worked on it’s own, because as Jim Cameron says “I don’t believe that you should have to have seen the original film to understand and enjoy a sequel.” but it also worked when compared to the original film. T-3 flatly contradicts EVERYTHING that happened in the first two films while somehow also wiping its ass on any and all theories of time travel (a little hobby of mine).

There’s only one reason to watch this movie and it is Kristanna Loken. Even though the character sucks, (well the character is cool, but the way she’s written sucks) Loken remains hot throughout the film, though never more than her introductory scene where you get to see her bare ass.

So here’s the score:

Story: Sucks
Characters: Suck
Continuity: Non-existent
Special Effects: Still really cool, though totally gratuitous.
Claire Danes: Still can’t act.
Kristanna Loken: Smokin’ hot.

I’m outta here. I need to go watch the T-X time portal sequence a few hundred more times before the DVD goes back since I repeat: I will NOT be adding this picture to my collection. And this is really saying something coming from a man that owns both ‘Killer Tomatoes’ movies.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

OK, I am, at this very moment, watching the Jessica Lynch Story. Why would I do such a thing you may ask? That's easy, I got tired of slamming my penis in the door.

No, I'm watching it, because as many of you know, Jessica Lynch is from my hometown and I wanted to see just how badly they would fuck up said hometown.

In case you were wondering, the movie sucked balls even before the opening credits finished rolling. See, this is the version that has been put together from news reports and totally without any input from Lynch.

In the first few minutes of the film, one of her fellow officers refered to her as 'Private Lynch'. Now, you don't have to be around many soldiers to know that privates don't refer to each other this way, but TV executives think we're all stupid, so they figure they have to say 'Private Lynch' so that we know the blonde trying (and failing) to look like private Lynch is supposed to be Lynch and not say Saddam Hussein.

To maks matters worse, a flashback scene showed Lynch getting on a Greyhound bus in front of her house. Anyone that knows ANYTHING about Elizabeth knows that Greyhounds do NOT run there, and even if they did, they wouldn't run to Palestine, and even further they wouldn't pick you up AT YOUR FRONT DOOR. It's not a fucking taxi service (which Elizabeth ALSO does not have, by the way.)

And even worse, the bus rolls over a section of railroad track after a train passes through. What's wrong with that? There is a section of track in Elizabeth. It's about TEN FEET LONG. It would have to be one short motherfucking train, lemmietellya.

So they're getting captured now. I think I'm gonna turn the chanel. If you get the chance to watch this piece of crap, DON'T.