UPDATE: "The Return Of Chef" re-airs tonight at 10 PM (Eastern Standard Time) Don't fiss it because it'll likely be pulled soon.

OK. I have a lot of things I've been meaning to write about, but something just leaped to the front of the line.

Some of you may have heard about the South Park Scientology episode titled "Trapped In The Closet". I saw it and it was fucking hilarious. The funniest part of the episode was the tag at the bottom of the Scientology story that said "This is what scientologists actually believe", because it's absolutely true.

Comedy Central has been bullied into not showing the episode again because Tom Cruise says if they do then he won't do any promotion for Mission Impossible 3 which is distributed by Paramount, which is owned by Viacom which owns Comedy Central which airs South Park.

The South Park guys issued this statement on the matter: "So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!" signed "Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu."

Some of you may not be aware that Steven Spielberg has vowed to never work with Tom Cruise again after Cruise spent all of his press junkets for War Of The Worlds talking about Scientology rather than promoting the movie. I find this very amusing as it means the promotion Comedy Central bought for M:I3 is going to be very shitty.

Now seriously, think of a movie Tom Cruise was in where his part couldn't have been filled by someone just as good or probably better. You can't do it. I grant you, he's not a bad actor per-se (he was damn good in Collateral), but there are others that are just as good that aren't as highly touted. Unless you're a woman you have no use for Tom Criuise. And if you are a woman, then Tom Cruise has no use for you.

Allegedly.

But anyway, apparently (and I say apparently for a reason) Issac Hayes, an outspoken Scientologist, has quit the show because of the episode. It has been alleged, however, that Hayes,who is currently recovering from a stroke had someone from the church quit for him without his knowledge or consent. I don't know how much truth there is to that (I did hear it on Fox News for fuck's sake), but I'd rather see Hayes incapacitated than the kind of hypocrite that would tolerate the slamming of every religion but his own.

"There is a place in this world for satire," said Hayes allegedly "but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," "Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem — and he's cashed plenty of checks — with our show making fun of Christians." (We) "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

So the guys that do South Park, for whom I have all the respect in the fucking world (really, that wasn't sarcasm, I really do respect them immensely), made a new episode for tonight to fill the spot where the rerun of the Scientology episode was to air. Entitled "The Return of Chef", it chronicles Chef leaving South Park and falling in with a 'Gay Little Club' that brainwashes people into flying around the world with them and having sex with children.

Anyways, the club is an obvious stand in for the Church of Scientology and South Park completely bitch-slaps it. Hard. They also give Chef and Hayes a touching tribute and send off. You have to see it, and I'd suggest doing it soon because Tom Cruise is going to want this one banned as well.

FUCK TOM CRUISE.

There's a growing number of people that are boycotting Mission Impossible 3 and I'm proud to count myself amongst them. True, I wasn't going to see M:I3 anyway, but now I have a good reason for it. Hell, I haven't even seen the second one. I lost all interest in the series after the end of the first one when Cruise is propelled forward by an explosion to land safely on the back of a train. True, a blast like that would propell you forward, but he would have been rendered into a thin paste that would have stretched all the way to the front of that goddamn train.

Support South Park, boycott Tom Cruise.

And Issac, you probably couldn't give a fuck that you lost my respect, but you did. Unless the bit about someone else quitting for you while you were (or are) incapacitated. If that's the case, then to me you still are the Duke of New York, A-number-one. I really hope it isn't so Chef, but the latest South Park episode leaves little doubt of the score.


Hail Xenu.