“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard: February 15, 2004

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Skippy showed me this. I found it sort of interesting. The ones in red are the ones I've been to.

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

It says I've visited 22 states or 43% (by number of states, not volume) of this fine country of ours.

Perhaps I'll get around to writing about some of those road trips.

After I consult my attorney.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Movie review time again.

So Nate borrowed "Dumb And Dumberer".

God only knows why.

Anyways, he puts it in the machine and shortly afterward leaves the room to take a phone call.

He owes that caller more than he knows.

See, as neither myself, nor Jeremy the Atomic Jew, had paid any money for it, nor even gotten our asses up off the couch to load the disc, we had little investment in it. Thusly we figured it wouldn't take much to meet our relatively low expectations for it. After all, the first one was pretty funny, right?

Before I continue, it should be noted that this movie had none of the original cast members, writers, directors, etc from the first film.

Now, back to the story. Where the first movie had laughs galore (most of them cheap lowbrow humor, but hey, if I want Shakespeare, I'll read fucking Shakespeare...) this movie had a sprinkling of "That's kinda funny..." and "Was that funny? I can't tell anymore..." moments.

The most telling thing I can say about this movie is that we DIDN'T FINISH IT. Nay, we COULDN'T finish it.

I think the Jew (Actually, he's Catholic. We've covered this before) said it best when he said: "At one point I laughed at how painfully unfunny it was and I realized that it (the movie) had pulled me down to it's level."

Of course he also said: "Another reason dumb and dumbrererererrer sucked is that both guys were trying to cop Betty White's "Rose" character from the Golden Girls but neither of them possesses her panache or supple buttocks."

Verily, it is a thing of evil.

Having said that, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen. I would have to give some thought to exactly which movie holds that dishonor. "Batman and Robin" is pretty close. But no, I've actually finished worse movies than this. Thing is, in those movies I held out hope that they would get better before the end. With Dumb and Dumberer, there was no such hope. In fact, there was utterly no hope at all.

I did get a chuckle from a couple moments though. Like when the two titular characters walk down the school hallway with their Special Ed class to the theme from the A-Team, and... well, that's it actually.

Oh yeah, Mimi Rogers made out with a little hottie named Rachel Nichols.

The most notable thing about Nichols, other than her being very attractive, is that she's in the new Bruce Campbell film "The Woods" which is currently in post production.

Apart from that "Dumb and Dumberer" can be summed up by the fact that we actually got up off our respective asses to remove this ultra-boring, ultra-unfunny piece of crap from the DVD player.

PS: I did put it back in to check the not-so 'Special Features', but I did not find the apology I was looking for.

Maybe it's an 'Easter Egg'.

I don't recommend checking yourselves, but if someone finds it, please let me know. I feel it's owed to me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

So to all those who were concerned, the Nine Inch Nails albums and furious masturbation pulled me back from the brink once again.

Indeed, I'm feeling like my old self again, though I'd still much rather be feeling like someone else.

Ron Jeremy perhaps.

Ron Jeremy is my hero. He doesn't have to masturbate. He could just walk down the street with his fly open and fuck till he got tired.

Ahh, for the life of Ron Jeremy...

But on a non-penis related note, some of the guys came over last night and mixed a bucket of long island iced tea while we watched "Full Metal Jacket" again. Yes, a BUCKET. Well technically it was the three gallon stock-pot that I use when I make popcorn.

When I make popcorn I don't fuck around dammit.

Anyways, Ryan had some cool ideas about a web based product he has in mind. A product that I'll likely be signing onto.

I'll keep everyone posted.

That is if he remembers all those cool ideas when he sobers up. That was some pretty potent ice tea.

Fuckin' kitchen smells like Ted Kennedy's liver.

"Me so horny, me love you long time."

Peace out bitches.

Monday, February 16, 2004

So today I made the grave mistake of spending time with my family.

It’s not that I mind doing that so much, it’s just that lately they’ve decided that I have to be lectured about every tiny aspect of my life. You know these conversations. The ones where every sentence starts with: “You know what your problem is?” And those are the GOOD parts.

So just so everyone knows, I KNOW WHAT MY GODDAMN PROBLEMS ARE!!!

I know them all, every single fucking last one of them. They cycle through my head every waking moment, and just when I almost get them blocked out, some asshole has to fucking list them for me.

All I really have going for me right now is my ability to delude myself enough to push my self-loathing into a tight little ball in the pit of my fucking stomach. Is that too much to fucking ask?

Apparently it goddamn is.

So I now sit here, having eaten all the food in the house, knowing where the near-fatal amounts of liquor are located, sitting next to an entire arsenal of big sharp objects (I collect swords and knives), and I have to ask myself: what would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?

Just kidding. I’m actually contemplating suicide again.

Yes, in times like these I can’t help but recall just how peaceful those five or so minutes I spent on the other side really were.

Now I’m going to go listen to old Nine Inch Nails albums and masturbate.

If that doesn’t make me feel better I’m going to slit my fucking wrists.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

So before anyone asks, YES I know yesterday was Valentines Day. Who gives a FUCK? Goddamn greeting card schillers and diamond cartels, that's who fucking cares.

By the way, diamonds fund terrorism. I'm not making that shit up. Do some research. Better yet, I've done it for you.



And here.

And I never realized it went this far, but here's an article linking NEIL Diamond to terrorism.

Makes you think, doesn't it? So far I've not found a direct link, but I'm sure those Hallmark bastards are in on this too. Probably Nazis. The bastards.

So to everyone that had a happy Valentines' Day, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say "Fuck You".