So I saw something on TV that pissed me right the hell off today.

It was another one of those ‘truth’ anti-smoking ads. You know, the ones filled with those punk teenagers that you just want to hit in the face with a fucking brick. Anyways today’s group of asshole kids were running around unsupervised in a busy intersection (which ordinarily I would encourage) with a clock. Every 8 seconds they handed a random person an orange thing. Looked like a coaster you get in a bar. It seemed to have writing on it, but it must have had as much relevance as the rest of their info because they never give you a chance to read it. Presumably, it had the same bullshit statistic that they spewed at the viewing audience, which was “Every eight seconds an American dies a tobacco related death”. Their website says “Someone in the WORLD”, but the commercial clearly says “In AMERICA”.

In any event, this seemed a little off to me.

So I did a little research and I found out that the birth rate in America is also about one every eight seconds. So according to ‘truth’ tobacco is killing the American population at roughly the same rate as it’s being replenished. So when you factor in the more popular categories on the top ten causes of death like suicide, homicide and my favorite, accidental death, we should be EXTINCT. Someone might want to check on that though. I’m not exactly a math whiz. (Yes Sham, I’m talking directly to YOU.)

Seems to me they must be using the term ‘tobacco related’ awfully liberally.

Say you’re a non-smoker, but you work in a cigarette company and a machine breaks and you’re crushed under two tons of Marlboros. Is that a ‘tobacco related death’? What if a non-smoker is out jogging and gets run over by a cigarette truck, also for the sake of argument driven by a non-smoker. Is that a ‘tobacco related death’? Actually that could be considered ‘tobacco related manslaughter’. I wonder if they have a statistic for THAT? I’d check, but that website makes me nauseous. You notice I didn’t put up a link to it. I don’t want to encourage anyone to go there

This is part of a growing trend in our country that really bothers me. It seems that the powers that be have decided that it’s OK to outright lie to people if they deem it’s for our own good.

It’s OK to tell us that if just one of us could have gone without that one joint back in ’01 then 9-11 wouldn’t have happened because God knows all the marijuana in the world comes from Afghanistan. (Bill Maher pointed it out first that diamonds fund terrorism, but there are no ads telling us not to buy diamonds are there? No, there’s actually ads telling us that we should blow two months salary on the goddamn things! But back to my point.)

It’s OK for celebrities to tell us that our cars, and more recently our SUV’s, are killing the environment before they climb into their private jets and fly away. And yes, it’s OK to tell us that smoking will make you impotent and that secondhand smoke kills and all that other bullshit they throw at us.

I have to admit that, yes, smoking is bad for you, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. Want to see my feelings on smoking? Check out Zombie’s blog.

I think everyone goddamn knows that smoking is bad for you. And if people chose to smoke anyway they have a right to do it. So why do I have to keep fucking hearing about it?

The ideology is that the tobacco companies lie about their product to make it sound safe. This was a point. In the 60’s. Back then there were cigarette commercials by fucking doctors, but since 1970 everyone has known that it’s bad for you. I know it’s bad for you, so STOP FUCKING TELLING ME.

And if you’re one of the kids in those commercials and you’re reading this, I just want you to know that I genuinely want something bad to happen to you. That, and I want you to know that your commercials have INSPIRED me to smoke. But more than that, I really DO want something bad to happen to you.

I want to see those kids die in a fire. A 'tobacco related' fire.

So it’s no secret that I’ve never cared for the advertising industry. What bugs me the most is the ideology that if you just SEE their fucking ad you’ll be entranced into buying whatever crap their peddling. Very rarely does any commercial EVER influence my purchasing ANYTHING.

That’s why these popup ads and Spam piss me off. Not a day goes by that I don’t get a couple dozen ads for home refinancing, hair replacement, and or something to make my penis bigger/harder.

First of all, I don’t own the house I’m living in. Even if it was it was paid for before I was born.

Second of all, I have a great head of hair. It’s thick, it’s dark, and there’s plenty of it. True, the hairline isn’t quite where it started, but it’s close enough for my vanity.

And third, the LAST thing I need is a bigger or harder penis. My penis is hard 50% of the time, and that’s thanks to constant masturbation. I hate to think what would happen if I didn’t have that release…

Some people have noted that I talk about masturbation a lot. Sorry, but it’s a big part of my life.

And that brings me to something else, not only do I have no need for Viagra, I have, as I stated, an overabundance of erections that are just going to waste. There’s Viagra so old people can get it up, and there are fertility clinics with drugs and shit so people that probably shouldn’t reproduce can because everyone in our country still thinks that they have to, and here I am with both boners and sperm to spare and nobody’s interested.

You know, sperm banks aren’t cheap. And with adoption you have the problem of the biological parents showing up and causing trouble. So here’s my proposal women of the world: you want a baby? I want to fuck you. Why can’t we set this up?

I know I have good genetics. Don’t be put off by the fact that I obviously haven’t done anything with them, they’re good nonetheless. And I’ll sign whatever legal agreement you want saying I’ll never come knocking on your door (just as long as it also says you won’t come knocking on MINE).

So come on already dammit! I’m almost out of Lubriderm over here!

While I’m at it (since I’ve totally forgotten what I started out talking about) I’m available to women that don’t want to have kids too. Any women that have trouble finding sex for whatever purpose; I’m your guy. And don’t think you have to be gorgeous either. I’m not a picky man.

Besides, fat chicks give good head.

‘Cause they have to…


E-mail and picture on my profile.

So we watched "Cabin Fever" today.

It was OK for what it was; a quick, cheap, easy, horror film.

Not a lot of explaination behind it, just straight into the ooey-gooey, gory goodness. The effects were decent, though the plot (what there was of it) wasn't too deep. It was just a loose framework to fold the deaths together. Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing.

The special features are pretty good too. They're funny. The funniest part being when the production designer talks about how hard they tried to make the titular cabin look unique, and then the director explains that people keep asking him if it was the same cabin from Evil Dead. (From the outside it's almost identical. Complete with the famous workshed out back.)

Over all, it could have been better, but I've seen a lot worse. It's worth watching once, and maybe owning if you find it used somewhere. I don't really see it as a must-have though.

By the way, there IS talk of a sequel.

Everyone enjoying thier day off?

Yes, it's that day once again, of course I'm refering to General Robert E. Lee's birthday!

Just kidding. Funny how it falls on the same day as MLK day this year though huh? Anyways, I hope we're all doing something to celebrate having the day off. Three day weekends rule. Of course it would mean a lot more to me if I hadn't been out of work for the last two years...

so whatever you do to celebrate, march in a parade, read King's biography, watch some educational TV on the civil rights movement, bear in mind that I'm right there with you. I'm watching the Spongebob Squarepants marathon on Nickelodeon and I plan to see it through clear to the end!

And yes, it DOES pretain to the idea of racial harmony. Ever watch that show? No two characters are the same color, yet they all live together.

So bite me.

But serriously, (Can I be serrious?) I too look forward to the day when the human race can stop hating people because the color of thier skin, so we can hate each other for the content of our characters.

"It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important." -
Martin Luther King Jr.

To keep the trend of linking cool shit going, here's one from Mistress Victoria (Be sure to check out her link in my friends section).

Make sure you sound is turned on.

And you might not want to check this out while you're at work.

Yet another good one from Rich. Here.