I love Papa John's Pizza.

A wise man once said: "Pizza is like sex. Even when it's bad, it's still kinda good."

Maybe it was Skippy. I can't remember.

Anyways, I believe that Pizza is the perfect food. The best Pizza I ever had was from a little shop in Sicily. It is quickly followed by my cousin-in-law Louis's Pizza from DeAngelo's in Baton Rouge Louisiana.

I have, however, encountered pizza that I wouldn't eat. My buddy Rich will do two things upon reading this: #1, he'll make a crack about there being ANYTHING I will refuse to eat, and #2, he'll back me up when I say where it's from.

In college we had this little restaurant on the corner that we would order wings from. It too, coincidentally, was named DiAngelos (not DeAngelos like my cousin's place). And when we ordered wings we ordered fucking wings. Like 200 at a time. We'd be in our apartment with like 12 people watching a game and it'd just be chicken bones and elbows flying everywhere. We called it "Caveman Night".

So one day Brian and I went over to check out the buffet. Lo and behold, there was pizza on the buffet! Actually, it wasn't that surprising considering it was a goddamn Italian restaurant, but we'd never ordered anything but the wings because they kicked so much ass.

So along with my wings I got a couple slices of pizza.

You know how garbage smells when it's been left out on the curb on a hot day? That pizza tasted the way that smells.

But what got me started on this is I just finished my Papa John's leftovers. Pepperoni and mushrooms. I love Papa John's, did I mention that? It's not the best I've ever had, but I can get a large for $6.

Yes, you're amazed. Allow me to explain.

Shortly after we moved into the ghetto Jay ordered some Papa John's and asked if the driver could break a $50. They said no so he cancelled the order. Half an hour later the delivery guy shows up with the pizza. Oddly enough, he had no trouble breaking Jay's $50.

So Jay calls them and complains about the pizza showing up after having been cancelled. A few days later we order from there again and the delivery guy gives us a buy-one-get-one-free coupon. We used that coupon like 3 times before a delivery guy finally thought to ask us for it.

Since then, we keep getting them in the mail. We use each of them at least twice before having to fork them over, and when we do redeem them we just get another in the mail.

Shit, the one I used tonight I used for the fourth time and it's EXPIRED.

I still have the damn thing too.

Yeah, I know, that was a damn long post about pizza, but there's a lot going on right now that I can't really post about. Things that have been kinda dominating my attention lately so take what I can give people.

But the coupon thing has convinced me that I was right about the Papa John wanting to kill me (or whack me as the ethnic stereotype may be). I can just picture the meeting in my head:

Pizza Goon #1: Boss, this guy eats an insane amount of pizza, but it hasn't killed him yet!

Pizza Goon #2: Yeah, it's amazing! He has the physique, and to some extent the smell, of Ted Kennedy!

Papa John: I know, I know. I thought sure putting little buckets of fucking garlic-flavored butter in there would finish him off. I know! Break out the fucking coupons!

So I'm in the process of eating myself to death. Somehow I allways knew it would end this way.

Dr Atkins can kiss my big fat pepperoni-stuffed ass.

OK, I know I haven't posted in a few days. Well, no real posts anyway. That’s because shit's been going on. The refreshing thing about it is it's not my shit this time. That's not to say that makes it any better, it's just that I'm not responsible for this shit.

Given the nature of the problems though you'd think I was involved. See, several of my friends are having relationship problems at the moment. (You all know who you are so I shan’t elaborate.) And I am trying to walk the line between being silently supportive and offering my opinion.

Those of you familiar with my romantic life know exactly why my opinions on this should be kept to myself.

I like to think I'm rather intelligent (genius level IQ if you were wondering), I have a functioning familiarity with psychology and I've made countless attempts at relationships in my life. I will not, for a single moment, pretend I know a damn thing about women.

I’ll go you one further than that. You, reading this right now, YOU have a better sex life than I do.

My friends having problems, the elderly, even people who have lost their genitals in strange accidents, all of you have better luck with your respective opposite sex than I do.

Yes, even you Skippy.

So it’s frustrating. I want to help out with wise council, but relationship advice from me is like a steak house review from Ghandi. We can say something that sounds intelligent and wise, and we’d mean well, but it would all be based on secondhand information and we’d really have no fucking idea what we were talking about.

In short, I’ll be whatever help I can, but if I offer advice… please don’t take it.

Associated Press
Tuesday, March 23, 2004

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Gov. Bob Wise sent a letter to Abercrombie & Fitch on Monday demanding that the clothing retailer stop selling a T-shirt that spoofs the state with the slogan, "It's All Relative in West Virginia."

Wise said the T-shirt depicts "an unfounded, negative stereotype" of the state.

"I write to you today to demand that you immediately remove this item from your stores and your print and online catalogues," Wise wrote. "In addition, these shirts must be destroyed at once to avoid any possibility of resale and proof be given thereof."

Abercrombie & Fitch spokesman Tom Lennox declined to say whether the New Albany, Ohio-based company would comply with the governor's request. He said the T-shirt, which features the slogan on an outline of the state, has been selling well at $22.50.

"Abercrombie and Fitch was born and raised in the USA, and we honor all 50 states in the union," Lennox said.

West Virginia is not the only state that is spoofed on an Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt. Another shirt's slogan is "New Hampshire. 40 million squirrels can't be wrong."

18.75 %

My weblog owns 18.75 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

Ophelia found this one. I couldn't resist.

My Mormon name is: Cordell Mavryck!
What's yours?