So I'm kicking back in the living room watching 'Unscrewed' on Tech TV, one of the three channels I watch on the cable that we're paying like $40 a month for, and I see a bit where Cat Schwartz is going to be on. I immediately take notice.

See I have this rather destructive habit of becoming infatuated with intelligent women. This has caused me absolutely nothing but trouble. Yes, more than once I have been horribly burned by smart women, and thus I vowed to find a by-god, fucking stupid woman upon which to base my next restraining order. And I mean STUPID. I'm talking Ellie May Clampett here.

The biggest problem with smart women? Well, they're smart enough to eventually realize they can do better...

Yeah, I'm a cynic. But you know what they say, "Scratch a cynic and you'll find a romantic. Rub a cynic and you'll find a very appreciative cynic..." or something to that effect.

So as a closet romantic with a penchant for brains, I find myself infatuated with this creature that is Cat Schwartz. For those of you who don't know, she's on "The Screen Savers" on Tech TV.

So I'm watching the bit on 'Unscrewed' and I see that apparently she accidentally uploaded nude pictures of herself onto her blog and they were downloaded like two billion times or so. Apparently she had cropped some private photos so that only her face could be seen and some genius figured out how to recover the entire photos.

I had them downloaded before the interview was over.

But here's the thing, apparently people were leaving nasty comments on the blog about the accidental nudity, resulting in the pictures having to be removed. (These people are now right below Joel Schumacher on my "Severe Beating" list.) So I checked out the blog, which I have done one more than one occasion (like every hour on the hour), and the comments there are pretty damn creepy to say the least. I mean, you'd think the Tech TV watching cyber-geeks would have seen pictures of breasts on more than one occasion. They were so creepy in fact, that I abandoned my original intention of leaving a supportive comment of my own, so as not to be associated with the other potential stalkers.

So I know she'll probably never read this, but hang in there Cat. There are worse things than being a cute, smart computer diva with a legion of psycho tech-zombies slobbering over you and leaving rude comments on your blog. You could look like ME and have just the one guy slobbering over you...

Anyways, I'm outta here. I'm gonna go look for chicks at the hog-calling contest.

You guys have to see this. Best eBay listing EVER.

Just a side note, but I HAVE been asked to walk the dog again. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that...

Welcome to another fun-filled episode of:
EATING SHIT WITH A SMILE!

So I've noticed a rather disturbing trend in my life recently. Since I'm currently not working, people aren't afraid to ask me for favors on the grounds that I "have nothing to do". So ask they do, and I try to help everyone out. Problem is, I'm now to the point where I'm having to chose between doing things for other people and doing things for myself. You know, on those rare occasions when I actually DO have something I'd like to do.

And you know, I honestly do want to help people out and I feel bad when I fail to get something done. But I'm now trying to figure out how in my life, when I do someone a favor and do it repeatedly, it becomes an obligation?

For instance, lets say I have a brother. One, who for the sake of argument, doesn't read this blog. And lets further say that he asks me, because I have nothing to do, to come over and walk his new dog every day. So I agree to do it because

A: For some perverse reason I try to make people happy even at the expense of my own time, effort and happiness.

B: I'm an idiot.

So I go over and walk the dog for a couple of days, but on the third day I have to wake up early and drive a friend to an early meeting at his job, thus denying myself sleep. So I then take a nap, wake up later than I'd planned, and by the time I attempt to walk the dog it has shit in it's cage.

So I try to clean the shit, but being a very large person I can't fit through the door far enough to reach the shit. So I walk the dog anyway, just to be sure she's done, and I wait for my brother to show up and show me how to dismantle the cage so I can clean up the shit that belongs to HIS dog.

So already we see that doing a favor for one person has made it difficult to do a favor for another person. Furthermore, these favors are ones that I'm expected to do DAILY. Six days a week I drive my friend to work and pick him up afterward and I also took on the responsability of walking the dog which I figured I'd have to do at least five days a week or so. Why do I do these things? Because I'm an idiot.

So I stick around to play poker at my brother's house so I can hang around with him and some friends of mine that I don't get to see often. Throughout said get-together I get to eat massive ammounts of shit for getting to the house too late. See, even though I said "I'll get there and do it as soon as I can" it was decided that I should have been there at noon and I'm an irresponsible piece of shit for not having sensed this and been there to walk THIER dog in time.

On top of this, when my brother took the cage apart he volunteered to clean the shit. Then later, when his wife (and, in her mind, my second mother) accused me of just leaving it for someone else to do because I'm 'lazy' (an accusation I've never denied, I just resent it's application in this particular instance) he did not defend me in the slightest. Of course, I can hardly blame him for that though. I mean, he has to LIVE with that woman.

Anyways, it's getting late and I'm forced to chose between picking up my friend at work and hanging out with my other friends that I don't get to see as often. Of course, when I mention this I have to eat a bunch of shit for "being his bitch". So I end up staying at the party. I justify this to myself by figuring the friend at work knows where I am. He can call my brother's house if he needs me.

I return home, the friend is there, he's in a good mood, he mentions nothing of my failure to pick him up. I figure he caught a ride with someone else, the way he did last time someone gave me grief for attempting to pick him up. See, I've been doing this ride thing for quite some time, without complaint or request for reimbursement, and people are now making it difficult for me to continue doing it because they say I'm "being taken advantage of". But I try to help people out when I can. I know he needs the ride and apreciates the effort, so I do it and I don't bitch about it. Well, maybe a little just this once.

So today a friend from out of town comes in. He asks me to go to Fairmont with him to drop off his sister at college. Ordinarily I would agree without hesitation, but I have to pick up the guy at work.

So everyone I have time to talk to has something they have to do that prevents them from doing it for me, but they all agree that I "shouldn't be his bitch" and assure me that he can find someone else to get him. I still don't feel good about the idea, but then I remember that the previous night, when I fucked up thinks with my brother to do the 'ride to work' favor and then fucked up the 'ride home from work' favor he got home fine and wasn't mad at all. So I figure I can do the 'ride to fairmont' favor and the 'ride home from work' favor will work itself out again.

So rather than sitting at home next to the phone I go to Fairmont with the out of town friend that I don't see often. And I even figure hell, we may even make it back in time to make everyone happy. Well, we don't. Not even fucking close.

I return home, the friend is there, he's NOT in a good mood. On top of catching shit for not picking him up, which wasn't even MENTIONED the day before, I also catch shit because he had to wake up another friend to come get him. People like to point out bits like that to make the guilt more intense. And I guess I would have felt pretty bad if he couldn't have just gotten a cab for $5.00. Shit, he even could have guilt tripped me into paying half or all of the cab ride, and we both know it.

He did, however, point out that I could have called him and let him know that I wasn't going to be able to pick him up. I have to admit, that was a pretty good point. I did think about it, but I know his bosses are assholes and I was afraid he'd get written up or fired for it.

So now, just to keep score, I probably won't be asked to walk the dog again because I didn't do a good enough job of taking time out of my day to do them a favor, which I ate shit for, and I'll probably have to eat a weeks worth of shit for the failure of the 'ride home from work' favor, but it was that or eat shit for the 'being his bitch' thing, for which I take LOTS of shit.

So basically, by making an effort to make everyone happy I'm just pissing everyone off. This has led me to an epiphany: the only way to make MYSELF happy is to make an effort to be as worthless as everyone is so insistent on telling me I am.

I'm not entirely sure if this is possible, but it'll be an interesting social experiment.

And just in case you're wondering, I've just opened myself up to a world of shit with this post, and you know what? I'm strangely comfortable with that.