I had a doctor's appointment this morning at 10. I go out to the car at 9:30 and I can barely turn the ignition. It was FROZEN. The steering linkage? FROZEN. The buttons on the fucking CD player were FUCKING FROZEN.
What the fuck? Someone bring me the head of Al Gore! Yeah, I know I say that a lot, but I have a slightly better reason than usual.
WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT GODDAMN GLOBAL WARMING!!!
And don't give me that "Well this extreme cold is just a rebound from the global warming" bullshit. If we got cold equal to the warming then the global warming wouldn't be a fucking problem would it? Show me a melting iceberg right now Al! Fuck you and your fucking hippie shit! I hope you get crushed to death by a glacier you ecological ass!
Know who else is pissing me off? The fucking weather channel. FUCK the Weather Channel! You know we don't have snow anymore? You might think we do. You might look outside and see white, powdery ice on the ground and think "Wow, snow" but you'd be fucking wrong! No, I've been watching the Weather Channel and we don't have snow anymore. We have LAKE-EFFECT-SNOW!
Yes, for some reason the people at the Weather Channel are incapable of simply saying the word snow in any context. Imagine my surprise, being hundreds of miles away from any body of water that meets the technical definition of a lake, to find that I, in West-fucking-Virginia, am encountering lake-effect-snow.
FUCK YOU WEATHER CHANNEL!!!
I've actually been meaning to send out that particular 'fuck you' for some time now. See, I roll over in the mid-afternoon and turn on the Weather Channel to see weather it's worth getting out of bed or not. I'm not sure why I do that because they never predict anything accurately. Shit, they can say it's raining in my town and when I pull back the curtain to look they're even wrong about that half the time. They can't even tell you what the weather is NOW, let alone a week from now.
And sweet-fucking-christ are they ghoulish sons-of-bitches. They were so overjoyed about Hurricane Katrina because they were suddenly somewhat relevant. It was 24 hour hurricane coverage! Oh boy! And the whole year after they had hurricane watches and an alert system something or other and they were just fucking praying for another hurricane so they could get some more fucking ratings again.
They even went so far as to bring out thier own TV show called 'It Could Happen Tomorrow' where they dream up all new dissasters for people to lay awake at night worrying about. Won't that make for great motherfucking television? And the selling point for the show, I shit you not, is that thier first episode (which they filmed before Katrina but withheld for good taste) was 'What Would Happen If The New Orleans Levees Failed?'.
They may have withheld it before, but they showed the shit out of it on the anniversary of Katrina. Hell, on the anniversary they showed 'Live coverage of hurricane Katrina'. Wait, they're showing live coverage of something that happened last year? It may have been live when they filmed it, but if it's a year later IT ISN'T FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE!!! What are they going to do? Get a wind machine and a bunch of interns with buckets of water and re-enact it like those Civil War assholes?
Fuck the Weather Channel, fuck Al Gore, and fuck cold!
And on a completely unrelated note, if you own a Scion you're a douchebag.
Actually, if you've even considered owning a Scion you're a douchebag. Considered it, have a brochure, even saw one of thier shitty TV ads and thought "Wow, that's kinda cool" you're a douchebag.
Now I'm gonna go set myself on fire to try to get some fucking sensation back in my goddamn fingers.
Labels: Free Floating Hostility