I know, it seems like my annual Christmas-season bitchfest comes earlier every year. That's because it DOES. And why does it come earlier every year? Say it with me kids... it's because FUCKING CHRISTMAS-SEASON COMES EARLIER EVERY FUCKING YEAR!!!
When I was a kid and I couldn't wait for Christmas to get here no adult would mention the word Christmas till after goddamn Thanksgiving at the EARLIEST. Remember those fucking days? Actually, probably not. Statistically speaking, most of you reading this weren't born early enough to remember those fucking days.
Fuck you young bastards.
And just when I'd gotten used to the horseshit where all the stores had their Christmas decorations for sale before Halloween and all the TV shows aired their fucking Christmas episodes in the middle of the summer and every business had a big annual Christmas In FUCKING July FUCKING SALE just so we wouldn't forget that goddamn FUCKING CHRISTMAS IS FUCKING COMING I haven't been able to find anything on TV today, while observing my Black Friday tradition of staying the fuck home, that wasn't a FUCKING CHRISTMAS EPISODE!!!
Now, at this point I'd like to point out that my disdain of the day we call Christmas has nothing to do with me being anti-Christian. Ok, it has a little to do with me being anti-Christian, because I certainly am, but no, it's because our capitalist society has turned Christmas into a total mockery of what it's supposedly supposed to be. That is a total mockery of ancient Pagan rituals adopted by Christian invaders wanting to convert subjugated people to their religion so as to better control them.
Remember kids, religion is what keeps the poor from killing the rich.
And again, don't get me wrong, I dig capitalism and imperialism. I kinda have to, I'm an American after all, but dammit, let's have a sense of proportion here.
Some of you, right about now, are saying to yourselves “Surely he doesn't mean he's REALLY anti-Christian”. Yes I do. I feel that organized religion is probably the greatest plague mankind has ever known and Christianity is one of the biggest offenders. If I could I'd toss every bible on the planet in a big pile and light that baby up. Then we, as a people, could get on with it and fucking EVOLVE.
But that's another can of Lumbricus Terrestris altogether...
Look, I respect that people have their religions and their faiths and that's cool, but fuck man, there's gotta be a limit. I only point out the overzealous faith thing because that's part of the reason we have Christmas for a full half of the fucking calendar year now. Christians think it's just great to worship Santa Claus in everything we do because they think it spreads Christianity.
It spreads the worship of the one true American God, the Almighty Dollar.
Fuck, I'm cynical tonight aren't I?
Anyway, having said all that, Christmas is one Christian holiday I don't mind celebrating (within the appropriate time, I-E DECEMBER) because apart from a nativity scene here and there it effectively has nothing to do with Christianity anymore.
Neither does Easter.
People talk about a war on Christmas. Well I'm declaring my little chunk of the internet the fucking opposition headquarters of that war. October belongs to Halloween, November belongs to Thanksgiving (and/or Guy Fawkes day, a day I have a particular fondness for) and December I suppose can belong to fucking Christmas even though the star that heralded the birth of Jesus is only visible in the skies over the middle east in around AUGUST
Merry fuckin' Christmas.