Ok, so the other day I mentioned that my sister seems to have weddings conveniently located on all the weekends when Mom goes out of town, thus making it entirely necessary for me to go out to Mom's and do the stuff she'd ordinarily be doing.

She got a little irritated at this, but what she didn't recognize is that I wasn't condemning her for this. Quite the contrary, I find it amazing that she actually found an excuse to get out of doing something that Mom's will actually accept.

Why don't I start having weddings to go to when I want to get out of things? Because I'm a guy and she won't accept that excuse from me because she knows that most men would rather get kicked in the groin than go to a wedding and I'm not smart enough to come up with another excuse.

Now, by and large I'm not really against weddings in the general sense. I don't mind going to them, or at least I wouldn't if it weren't for a few little things like the clothing. See, in the majority of the weddings I've gone to I've been a part of the wedding party which means tuxedo, which means uncomfortable as all hell. This is why I so lamented the fact that fate has tricked me into getting a tuxedo for a wedding where I'll be sitting in the goddamn audience.

Is 'audience' the right word for a wedding crowd? They're sitting there listening, so I guess it fits. I mean, there's no real participation from the crowd unless it's when they ask “Does anyone here have any reason why these two should not be wed?”, which now that I think of it I don't think I've actually heard said at a wedding. They probably quit saying it because, on the occasions when someone does have something to say it's never anything good. Well, not good for the people getting married anyways. There's a chance that I would find it goddamn hilarious, depending on how much I liked the people getting married, because I'm a sick, evil fuck.

Generally though, people frown on people interrupting a wedding ceremony with stories of the various indiscretions of the key players.

Anyways, while we're on the subject of weddings, it turns out (as Andrea was kind enough to point out in the comments of my last post) that there is no dress code for the people attending the wedding, so I'll now be wearing a tuxedo in a sea of people wearing what is sure to be nice clothing, but far less formal than what I'll be wearing.

In fact, I'm willing to bet that apart from those involved in the actual ceremony I'll be the ONLY asshole in a tux. Know why? Because the tuxedo is the universally accepted uniform of the wedding.

If you're in a tux you should be

A: In a wedding.
B: At a prom.
C: Accepting some big award.
Or
D: James Bond

Those are your choices.

Despite tuxes not being mandatory Mom is still convincing herself that everyone in attendance will be wearing one because she's kind of obsessed with how rich these people are. I certainly hope that's not the case because the only thing worse than being the only one in a tux is being the one in the CHEAPEST tux. Yeah, I'm gonna turn lots of heads in my off-the-rack, $60 rental.

No matter what I do, I'm gonna look like a tool, but I've already accepted that, so all that's left is to just sit back and watch it happen. And since I got manipulated into getting this thing (and spending all my budgeted grocery money on it making my last three meals peanut butter sandwiches) I'm wearing it all goddamn weekend. That's right, I'm not taking it off. I stop for gas, I'm gassing up in a fucking tux. I stop at an IHOP, I'm doing it in a tux. If I stop the car, get out and piss on a bush, I'm doing it in a goddamn tux.

Oh, on my list I forgot, If you're in a tux you could also be Jackie Chan: