That last post had a lot of videos so I kinda hate to lead off the next post with another one, but Nate just sent me the video for my new favorite country song.



It is indeed, as he put it, very 'me'.

Now, at this point I need to put up a warning. If you're reading this, and you know me in real life, and continuing to hang out with me in real life is contingent on some baseline level of perceived maturity on my part and/or respect for me and the things that go on within my head you may not want to read any further

So, now that that's out of the way, I spent the July 4th weekend with the family and that went pretty well except for one awkward moment where I almost had to explain something embarrassing to my Mom.

See, in World of Warcraft, in our guild, on the chat line, I am forbidden to say a certain word. Well, we're all forbidden to say it, by the guildmistress, because this word makes her retch.

The word in question, which came out in a conversation some months ago, is "Ham-wallet".

Now, I didn't coin this word, nor was I the first to say it, but when I heard this word I thought it was pretty fucking funny.

Yes, all the women reading this right now are appalled (all three of you), but see, as a man I just saw it as a funny word that I thought at the time to be a gender-neutral euphemism for the ass. Later when I was told it was a reference to the female genitals this didn't seem in all that poor a taste because men make up funny terms for their genitals ALL THE TIME. It is a proven fact that if you get two or more men together in any given place for a long enough time you'll begin hearing them. The frequency varies depending on the number of women nearby and the type of gathering. Somewhat more frequently at weddings, somewhat less frequently at funerals, but ever constant. It's a proud male tradition as old as the spoken language. Maybe older.

Here's a few examples:

Penis A-B

* Alabama Black Snake (from "Full Metal Jacket")
* Albus Dumbledore
* Angry Samoan
* Ankle Spanker
* Anteater (an uncircumcised penis)
* Arrow
* Ass plower
* Ass pounder
* Ass ripper
* Badajo (Spanish)
* Baloney
* Banana/Platano (Spanish, Cantonese)
* Bara (Bangla)
* Beautiful
* Bea
* Beaver buster
* Beaver cleaver
* Beef bayonet
* Beef Whistle
* Beer can (penis with large girth)
* Beer keg (penis with extremly large girth)
* Bell
* Bellend
* Bell Tower
* Ben Yang
* Berga (Spanish)
* Bethany M.
* Bibys (Lithuanian)
* Bicho (Spanish)
* Bicycle
* Big Ben
* Big Ed and the twins
* Big Tone
* Big Kahoona, The
* Bipper
* Bird
* Bishop
* Bishop in a turtleneck
* Bite (French)
* Bitchsplitter, The
* Blinky (My Fellow Americans)
* Blood Thirsty Hound
* Blue-veined Custard Chucker
* Blue-veined junket gun
* Blue-veined microphone
* Blue-veined throbber
* Blue-veined pumpit junkit
* Bobby (scottish)
* Bod-rod
* Bod (Irish/Scottish Gaelic)
* Boink swatter
* Bone
* Boner (more specifically refers to erection)
* Boto/Butu
* Bottom Beater
* Boy's best friend
* Boycock
* Boyhood
* Boyness
* Boypleaser
* Boypole
* Boystick
* BooRong(Birdie)
* Bratwurst (Die Mommy Die! Reference; German)
* Butoh
* Bumrod
* Bun Jou (Cantonese)
* Bunker Buster

Penis C

* Cabbage roll
* Cack (modification of "cock", used to bypass filters)
* Captain, the
* Captain Candy
* Captain Catalan
* Captain Cook
* Captain Hook
* Captain Kid
* Captain Kirk
* Captain Penis McPenis
* Captain Picard
* Captain Planet
* Captain Penis
* Captain Slappy
* Captain TITANIC!
* Captain Winky (from Ace Ventura Pet Detective)
* Caralho (Portuguese)
* card shuffler
* Carne (Spanish, Italian: meat)
* Cazzo (Italian)
* Condom breaker
* Center pole
* Cervix slammer (long penis)
* Cigala (Del CATALA)
* cheese farm
* Cheese-maker
* Cherry popper
* Chicken (as in Choking the Chicken)
* Chilichute
* Chinchin (Japanese)
* Chinko (Japanese)
* Chinpo (Japanese)
* Choad/Chode (penis; usually a penis with width greater than length)
* Chorra (Spanish)
* Choronga (Spanish)
* Chota (Spanish)
* Chub
* Chromosome snake
* Cipote (Spanish)
* Clit Blipper
* Clit tickler
* Clouded Frost Spire (black metal penis)
* Clyde
* Coat Hanger
* Cock
* Cock rocket
* Cod
* Colonel
* Colin (Southern New Jersey)
* Corn dog
* Crank
* Cream filled sausage
* cuddle-bunny
* cuddly little buddy
* Cranny ax
* Crapflap
* Creamcicle
* Cum cannon
* Cumcrank
* Cumgun
* Cumpole
* Cumrod
* Cumshooter
* Cumstick
* Cunt buster
* Cunt poker
* Cunt pounder
* Cunt ripper
* Cunt thumper
* Cyclops

Penis D-E

* Dairy (produces milk and cheese)
* Dangle
* Daniel
* Dank
* Denture cleaner
* Devirginator
* Dhon (Bangla)
* Diamond Cutter
* Dick
* Ding-a-ling
* Ding-dong
* Dingus
* Dink
* Dinky
* Dipstick
* Dirty D
* Dode
* Dolk (Danish, actually means "knife")
* Dong/Donger
* Donkeycock/Donkeydick (very large penis)
* Doodle
* Doodle-dandy (from masturbation)
* Doomhammer
* Dork
* Dragon Wang
* Drill/Driller
* Drum stick
* Dude piston
* Dusty Gazongas
* Egg roll
* Eiffel Tower
* Elastic warrior
* Elvis
* Endowment
* Engine clanker
* Equipment

Penis F-I

* F.D.R. and The New Deal
* Fatboy Slim
* Father Christmas
* Finger of Love
* First Penis, The (The US President's)
* Fireman
* Flacid boab, YE
* Flagpole
* Flesh piston
* Flesh rocket
* Fuck stick
* Fuck Rod
* Fucker
* Fucking Udder
* Fun gun
* Fur-seeking meat missile
* Gadget
* Gazong
* General, The
* Gherkin
* Giggle stick
* God
* G.O.D (Giant, orange,Diver
* Goob
* Goober
* Gou (Cantonese bad language)
* Gouvernour, The (Shaking hands with)
* Graduated Cylinder
* Granny smasher
* Guided muscle
* Gut Wrench
* Guy's best friend
* Ham trucheon
* Hammer
* Hangdown
* Happiness
* Happy place
* Happy Pole
* Hasenpfeffer (German)
* He-pussy
* Heat-seeking missile/Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
* Herman the German in a turtleneck
* Hog/Hawg
* Hooded Knight
* Hoo hoo dilly (South Park reference)
* Horsecock/Horsedick (very large penis)
* Hose
* Hot dog
* Hot beef injecton
* Human Horn (Futurama reference)
* Impregnator

Penis J-K

* J-Bar
* Jack the Ripper
* Japanese Sausage (In Tom Clancy's The Bear and the Dragon)
* Jills Javalin
* Jabba (In the film 'Without a paddle' - "... Jabba back in his hutt!"
* Jade phoenix
* Jawbreaker
* Jelly Roll
* Jesus
* Ji ba (Mandarin)
* Jimmer jammer
* Jimmy
* Jizz cannon
* Jizzer
* John Thomas (term first used in Lady Chatterley's Lover)
* Johnson
* Johnson, Mike
* Johnson's little Johnson
* Jonathan's one-eyed master
* Joystick
* Junk
* King Crash
* King Missile
* Khaaaan
* Kickstand
* Kidney cracker (Frantics reference)
* Kidney sweeper
* Kielbasa (a type of Polish sausage)
* Knee knocker
* Knob
* Kuk (Norwegian)
* Kunji (Tamil)
* Kutas (Polish)

Penis L

* L'ock (a contraction of "limp" and "cock")
* Lad (Irish)
* Lan Jiao (Chinese Hokkien Dialect)
* Lan Cheow (Chinese Hokkien Dialect)
* Lanze (German)
* Laora (Bangla)
* Lap bone
* Lap rocket
* Lap taffy
* Leaning Tower of Pisa (for a slanted penis)
* Leg wand
* Limecat
* Lingum or lingam (from Hindi)
* Little Elvis
* Little LlamaGuy
* Little Tom Thumb (Varsity Blues)
* Little Willy
* Lizard
* Log
* Lollipop
* Longfellow
* Love club
* Love gun
* Love loaf
* Love length
* Love lolly
* Love missile
* Love muscle
* Love Pump
* Love Sausage
* Love snake
* Love stick
* Love wand
* LUEshi
* Luncheon Meat Truncheon
* Lund (From Hindi)

Penis M

* Magic dragon (in reference to the charactor "Elliott" in Pete's Dragon)
* Magic Mushroom
* Magic stick
* Magic wand
* Main cable
* Main vein
* Mangina (as in he-pussy)
* Manhood
* Manmeat
* Manrod
* Manroot
* Mantower
* Martillo (Spanish: Hammer)
* Matthew Smith
* Mazza (Italian : rod)
* Meat
* Meat missile (made famous by Max Hardcore)
* Meat popsicle
* Meat thermometer
* Meat saber
* Meat-seeking pissile
* Meat whistle
* Megg's best friend (Cajun vernacular)
* Member (Spanish: Miembro)
* Mickey (chiefly Irish)
* Micro Mikey
* Middle leg (large penis)
* Minchia (Sicilian dialect of Italian)
* Mini-Me
* Minga (Spanish)
* Missile
* Modda (Telugu)
* Moisture Seeking Gristle Missile
* Mongoose
* Monkey
* Monster
* Mushroom Stamp
* Mushroom Stick
* Mr. Happy
* Mr. Wobbly
* Mr. Jiggle Daddy
* Mr. Man
* Mr. Mushroom Head

Penis N-O

* Needle
* Nessie (Loch Ness Monster)
* Nether rod
* ninnyhammer
* Non-Directional Radar Guided Vagina Finder
* Notary Public
* Ochinchin (Japanese)
* O rly
* Old fella/Old feller/Old fellow
* Old Goob
* Ole' One-eye ("Take Ole' one-eye to the optometrist" from Grumpy Old Men)
* One-eyed monster
* One-eyed Python
* One-eyed snake
* One-eyed trouser snake
* One-eyed trouser trout
* One-eyed wonder weasel
* One-eyed wiggling welshman
* One-eyed Willie
* OPR (official pussy ripper)
* Organ
* Oscar ("My Baloney has a first name...")

Penis P

* Panga (Latin American Spanish)
* Passion pole
* Paloma (Honduran Spanish)
* Pecker
* Pedro/Peter
* Peener
* Pee-pee
* Peeper
* Pee-puette
* Pee-wee
* Pelir
* Pen
* Pencil
* Pencildick
* Peneyney
* Pen0r (sometimes p3n0r; leetspeek variation)
* Percy
* Peter
* Phallus
* Piça (Portuguese)(Pica Brasilian portuguese)
* Picha (Portuguese)
* Pickle
* Pickledick (High School High reference)
* Piço (Portuguese)
* Piece of Pork (Reference to "Isn't it Awfully Nice to Have a Penis," a song sung by Eric Idle in Monty Python's Meaning of Life)
* Pija (Spanish)
* Pijo (Spanish)
* Pik (Danish)
* Pimmel (German)
* Pinga (Spanish)
* Pink and purple station wagon of desire
* Pink Darth Vader
* Pink heat-seeking moisture missile
* Pink pennywhistle
* Pink torpedo (Spinal Tap reference)
* Pipe
* Piperoll (movie "She's Gotta Have It")
* Pirate of Men's Pants (Gilbert and Sullivan reference)
* Pisser
* Plank
* Pleasure pole
* Pleasure rod
* Pleasure scepter
* Pleasure stick
* Pocker
* Pocket rocket
* Pole
* Polla (Spanish)
* Popcorn surprise
* Pork Flute
* Pork hammer
* Pork steeple
* Pork sword
* Poronga (Spanish)
* Porra (Portuguese)
* Pounder
* Presidential staff
* Prick
* Princess
* Princess Sofia (How to lose a guy in ten days.)
* Private Dick
* Private Johnson
* Pud
* Pudding Slinger
* Pump-action yogurt-rifle
* Punheta (Portuguese)
* Purple fist
* Purple katana
* Purple-headed monster
* Purple-headed love warrior
* Purple-headed mushroom
* Purple-headed yogurt slinger
* Purple-headed warrior
* Purple-headed womb-ferret
* Purple-helmet warrior
* Purple-veined clarinet
* Pussy plower
* Python

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Penis Q-R

* Quiet Bitch
* Quiver bone
* Rammer
* Ramrod
* Rape rod
* Rapestick
* Rearpoker
* Red Rocket
* Remington
* Remis
* Richard (Little Richard)
* Richard Charles(Dick Chuck) Wainwright
* Rocket
* Rocketrod
* Rod
* Roger Ramrod
* Rola (Portuguese)
* Rumple Foreskin
* Ruzzler

Penis S

* Salami
* Salami packer
* Saminator
* Samurai's Backup
* Sao (Japanese)
* Santa's little helper
* Saurons finger
* Sausage (Spanish: Salchicha)
* Scepter
* Schlinger
* Schlong/Shlong/schlonger
* Schmeckle
* Schmuck
* Schnitzel
* Schooner (from "Sex and the City")
* Schwanz (Swiss German)
* Schwanzstucker (from Young Frankenstein)
* Schwartz (from "Spaceballs")
* Scum shooter
* Second Neck (i.e. 'third leg')
* Sergeant Beefy McManmeat of the 33rd erectile division
* Sex Driver
* Shaft
* Shalong
* Shit stabber
* Shrimp Tempura
* Simba
* Siu (Cantonese saying, a Chinese recorder-like instrument)
* Sixth finger
* Skin flute
* Slammer
* Slinky
* Smoked meat log
* Snake
* Snopp
* Snuffaluffagus (foreskinned penis)
* Soldier with the purple helmet
* Sona (Bangla)
* Spam
* Spam javelin
* Spanky
* Sparky
* Staff
* Stanley (the power tool)
* Steaming stalk
* Stick/Schtick
* Stick Shift
* Super mushroom
* Snack trays
* Sword

Penis T-U

* 10 Inches of Dr. (insert man's name here)'s Root Medicine
* Tabend
* Taco
* Talliwhacker/Tallywhacker
* Thigh spreader
* Thigh stimulator
* Third leg (large penis)
* Thor's Hammer
* Throbbing Thrill Hammer
* Thumper
* Tiki God
* Timpo (2ch)
* Tissemand
* Titi (Filipino)
* Todger
* Tommy
* Tommyboy
* Tonk
* Tonsil Tickler
* Tool
* Tooth chipper
* Tootsie Roll
* Toy
* Treff
* Tripod (man with an abnormally large penis; Goldmember reference)
* Trolley
* Trouser snake
* Trouser trout
* Trouser weasel
* Trunk
* Tube steak
* Tummy banana
* Turkey neck
* Twat jockey
* Twig
* Twinkie
* Two Towers (alleged slang for erect hobbit penises)
* Uccello (Italian: bird)
* Uncle Sam (he wants YOU!)
* Unit
* USS DESTROY HER

Penis V-Z

* V-Rod
* Vagina Ripper
* Vein-Inlaid Meat Pipe
* Verga (Spanish, used more in Latin America than in Spain)
* Verga (Portuguese, used more in Portugal than in Spain)
* Vienna sausage
* Viper
* Vitelo (Portuguese)
* Voodoo stick
* Vlad the Impaler
* Walking Stick
* Wang/Wong
* Wanger/Wanga
* War club
* War hammer
* Warrior of love
* Wand of Magic Missile
* Wang
* Wang-Dang/Wang-Dang Doodle
* Wausage

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* Wee-wee
* Wiener (misspelled "Weiner" on The Simpsons and on Steve O's tattoo )
* Wienie (or Weinie, Weenie)
* Wife Poker
* Wenus (reference to an episode of Friends; meant to sound like the combination of Wiener and Penis, but actually an acronym for "Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics," though the term was in use before the show)
* Willie/Willy
* Wing wong
* Winkie
* Whiz wand
* Whoopee stick
* Wobbly
* Womb Broom
* Wonderworm

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* Worm
* XY stick
* Yellowshirt
* Yoda
* Yolder
* Yogurt slinger
* Yoni feeder
* Zabourah (Arabic)

Erection

* Chea Kei ()
* Asadachi (morning erection in Japanese)
* BMW (Big Morning Wood)
* Bokki (Japanese)
* Bone/Boner
* Boutte (French, used more in Quebec than in France)
* Chubby (referring to a tumescent member)
* Empalmado (Spanish)
* Erecto (Spanish)
* Flagpole
* Half-mast (a half-erect penis)
* Hard/Hard-on (Spanish: Duro)
* H.O.F.N.A.R (Hard On For No Apparant Reason)
* Honk the Horn
* Horn (Irish Gaelic: Adharc)
* Happy to see you
* Kataku Naru (Hard)(Japanese)
* Knochen (German: bone)
* Latte (German)
* Morning Glory
* Morning missile
* Morning wood
* ODOL (Dutch, stands for 'Ontzettend Dikke Ochtend Lul' which lets itself describe as 'really fat morning cock.')
* Pitching a tent (When under a blanket)
* Pocket rocket
* President Wilson
* Raising the flag
* Red Rocket
* Rubbery one (referring to a tumescent member)
* Rigor mortis
* Ständer (German)
* Stiffy
* Stiffy Pete
* Steifen (German)
* Saluting the general
* Standing attention/At attention
* Sunrise surprise (an erection upon waking up)
* Tatsu (Japanese)
* Tesão (Portuguese)
* Throb
* Throbber
* Trempera (Spanish)
* Truncheon
* Tusa (Portuguese)
* Upstanding citizen
* Viagra's kicking in
* Wood/Woody
* Woodrow
* Woody

Foreskin (Prepuce)

* Banana skin
* Blinds
* Bobby's anorak
* Burrito
* Cafe curtains
* Coin tray
* Conestoga
* Covered Wagon
* Curtains
* Drapes
* Elephant's snout
* Extra skin
* Fatah (Arabic; considered a grave insult)
* Free Zipper
* Goatskin
* Gobbler
* Helmet pelmet
* Hood
* Hooded Viper
* Lace (curtains)
* Nisselue(Norwegian)
* Onion skin
* Pea-sized purse
* Schmuck (after circumcision)
* Suput (Filipino; serious insult)
* Sheath
* Snapper
* Turtleneck (sweater)
* Toque
* Venetian blinds
* Zalupa (Russian)

Glans Penis ("head")

* Army helmet
* Bell end
* Cabeza (Spanish)
* Capullo (Spanish)
* Cue ball
* Dome
* Fronthead
* Gerry Helmet (shortening of German Helmet - as worn in second world war)
* Helmet
* Kame-atama (Japanese)
* Knob
* Knobhead
* Mushroom cap
* Other head ("Thinking with the other head" means focusing on sex)
* Pink Pumpkin
* Plum
* Puntita, la (Spanish)
* Purple Helmet
* Purple Mushroom
* Shiggity-fronthead
* Skull
* Testa di Cazzo (Italian)
* Tip
* Warhead
* Zalupa (Russian)

Testicles A-J

* 50 Cents
* Acorns
* Agates
* Apples
* Apricots
* Back Wheels
* Bags
* Ballocks
* Balls
* Balle (Italian)
* Bangers
* Bannocks
* Baws (Scottish)
* Beechams
* Beans
* Bean bags
* Berries
* Bolls
* Bollocks
* Boys
* Boys in the basement
* Camp Canabrels
* Charles and George
* Chicken nuggets
* Clocha (Irish Gaelic: stones)
* Coglioni (Italian)
* Cojones (Spanish)
* Colhões (Portuguese)
* Cobblers
* Cods
* Crown jewels
* Eggs
* Family jewels
* Gonads (Nads as in "nate's greasy nads")
* Goolies
* Huevos (Spanish: "eggs")
* Hairy danglers
* Jacobs

Testicles K-Z

* Kintama (Japanese)
* Klackers
* Klodser (Danish)
* Knackers
* Loins
* Lan-Pah / Lan-Pah-Jee (Chinese Hokkien Dialect)
* Magairlí (Irish Gaelic)
* Marbles
* Men that guard the ass fort
* Mommy-daddy buttons ( reference)
* My Boys
* My Guys
* Nadgers
* Nads (from gonads)
* Nana's Purse
* Nards
* No-nos (possibly a Venture Bros. reference)
* Nuts
* Orchestra stalls
* Paparia (Greek)
* Pelotas (Spanish: "balls")
* Ping and Pong
* Plums
* Rocks
* Stepchildren
* Store
* Stugats (New York - New Jersey Italian)
* Tackle
* Three-threes
* Tomates (Portuguese word for Tomatoes)
* Tests
* Troy Petersens
* Vattalu (India)
* Watermelons
* Yarbles (A Clockwork Orange reference)

Scrotum - Body cavity

* Bag
* Ball bag
* Ballsac/Ballsack
* Ballpark
* Bawbag (Scottish)
* Bean bag
* Bosack
* Coin purse
* Codlings
* Duffle bag
* Dulap
* Escroto (Portuguese)
* Family jewels
* Hackey Sack
* Jewel Case
* Knacker bag
* Knapsack
* Mud flap
* Nutsac/Nutsack
* Sack
* Saco (Spanish: "sack")
* Scrot
* Spud/potato sack
* Sud sack
* Tama-bukuro (Japanese)
* Tea bag
* Wicked sack
* Yam bag (or Yam Sack)

Penis and testicles

* Area
* Basket
* Bat and balls
* Beanie Wienies (common cafeteria food)
* Big Jim & the twins
* Bits 'n pieces
* Block and tackle
* Branch and acorns
* Buck Fifty
* Bulges (from early Saturday Night Live's Wild and Crazy Guys stock characters)
* Cabbages and cod
* Cain and Abels
* Captain Winkey and his two first mates
* Cash and prizes
* Cock 'n Balls
* Crown jewels
* Dollar Fifty
* Eggs and bangers/Eggs 'n bangers
* Equipment
* Family jewels
* Frank and beans/Frank 'n beans
* Fruit basket
* Harry and the Hendersons
* Joint Chiefs of Staff
* Joey And The Twins
* Junk
* Lunchbox (UK: particularly used for male athletes)
* Male Moose Knuckle (as seen through tight-fitting clothing)
* Man Grenade (as seen through tight-fitting clothing)
* Meat and two veg
* Mr. Happy And His Two Nutty Friends
* Nose and spectacles
* Naughty bits
* Octagon, James Westphal, and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, The (Anchorman reference)
* One-eyed monster/sitting on a beanbag chair
* Package
* Peter, Paul, and Larry
* Pinky and the Brain
* Pocket Goodies
* Rad chilies
* Twig and berries
* Two grapes and a Cheeto
* Viande et deux legumes (French)
* Wedding tackle

So given the volume of these terms (that's far from a complete list, though it IS quite impressive) I just kind of stupidly assumed that women did the same thing. It therefore came as a surprise to me to find out that the word disgusted her, not on the grounds that it IS rather a disgusting term (as I'd suspected), but that it disgusted her on the grounds of being demeaning to women.

Now, I'm not a TOTAL neanderthal, I can see that the word would be very demeaning to women if not used in the spirit and context of the terms listed above, so I quit teasing that I was going to say it.

It also meant that I couldn't use the even more disgusting term that I myself had thought up. I would list that term here, but I will not for fear that doing so would negatively impact my chances of seeing another vagina for quite some time.

I'm sure most of you can relate to my love of vaginas given the current state of the global population.

So, given all this for background, I'm riding in the car with my Mom and my Grandmother (the one that's 100 years old) when Mom mentions a free promotion going on at Long John Silver's and tells me that I should go down there on Thursday and get me a free fish taco.

So once I was able to quit laughing (come on, like any of you could hear your Mom say 'fish taco' and not laugh) I was expected to explain what was so goddamn funny.

Suddenly it was a lot less funny.

Well, actually, that's not true, it was still pretty goddamn funny, but even if I could make it all the way through explaining all this to my Mom I couldn't possibly do it in front of my extraordinarily elderly grandmother as the embarrassment could LITERALLY kill her.

That or she'd die laughing. You can never really be sure with Grandma. Either way, it probably wouldn't end all that well.

Anyhow, I couldn't possibly tell either of them what I was really laughing at so I made up something lame just to change the subject.

All in all a fairly typical family outing.

Happy fish taco day.