I'm pretty beat. I've been up since the crack of fucking noon.
Longer really, as I went to bed a 6 AM and just tossed and turned till about 11. Then I punched the snooze button for a while.
Why did I do this? Two reasons really. The first one is, I had to go to the mall.
I hate the fucking mall.
So why did I do THAT? Because a friend of ours works at the movie theater and got us into a couple for free.
The other reason I got up at the obscene hour I did is to get my sleeping pattern back on track for my upcoming vacation.
You heard me.
Brian and I are heading to Myrtle Beach from the 11th to the 18th. If I find out before I go I'll post the room number so if you're in the area we can party.
Problem is, I think my sleepless night was caused by the anticipation of this trip.
I'm looking forward to it. I think it's going to be a lot of fun and I think I really need it, but ever since my medical problems and the prolonged recovery time, I find that things like this send me into near panic-attacks.
I'm not sure why, and I know that I'll feel great while I'm doing it and I'll feel even better afterward, but right up until I leave I'm going to feel this sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.
Part of it is the fact that I still have this massive hernia (which will look great with a bathing suit), not to mention the fact that I'm almost out of money (this trip is going to cost somewhere in the $500 range) and I still don't know what's going on with Social Security.
Here's the deal, I got sick and stayed sick for about 18 months, the length of my insurance. I tried to get the hernia fixed before it ran out, but the insurance company stalled and ran the clock out.
So I fucking love them.
The reason why I remained sick for most of 18 months instead of the 2 months that it was supposed to take was because the hospital I went to told me to clean my wounds with something called Betadine. It appeared to be some variant of Iodine. I didn't realize it at the time, but the betadine was doing such a good job of killing microorganisms that it was also killing off my immune system, opening me up to infection and therefore two additional surgeries to deal with said infections.
So I don't go to that hospital anymore.
I'd sue them, but it would probably fuck over the surgeon that saved my life and I just can't bring myself to do that.
I'm just not that ungrateful.
So I had enough to make the down payment on the surgery I need, but the hospital won't touch me if I don't have insurance to cover anything going wrong.
With me, things frequently go wrong.
I'm trying to get on Social Security so they'll cover anything going wrong. I still have just enough money to maybe make the down payment on the surgery if they'll just get my back.
But the fact that I have any money at all might keep them from accepting me.
But if I spend all the money I have left they might still not accept me, or just decide that they're not going to cover this surgery as it's not life-threatening.
So then I'll have to get a job.
I'm not opposed to getting a job, hell, at this point it'd be nice to have something to do, but even if I land a job with benefits they won't pay for the surgery because it's a pre-existing condition. Of course, a job without benefits won't be much help at all.
Then there's the fact that if I do get on Social Security they probably won't let me get my surgery from my preferred surgeon as he's in Columbus Ohio and I'm in West Virginia. I’m all likelihood; Social Security will want me to go to the hospital that fucked me up to the point where I couldn't get my fucking hernia operation in the first fucking place.
This is the hell that is my life.
All things considered though, it could be a lot worse, and I know it.
It just sucks being so close to being well and not being able to get there. And I feel like a dick even bitching about it because I'm damn lucky just to be alive and I know it, and I know there's a lot of people that don't have it nearly as good as I do. Just because I've been handed a pile of shit doesn't give me any right to piss and moan.
But it's starting to wear on me.
And that's exactly why I need this trip to the beach.
Anyways, I'll review the movies I saw, 'Hero' and 'Napoleon Dynamite' a little later.
Today's Fortune Cookie:
You will soon discover
how truly fortunate
you really are.