“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Friday, September 03, 2004

It’s time once again for,
The Ford W. Maverick Summer Blockbuster Review!


As I mentioned last post, I recently saw both ‘Hero’ and ‘Napoleon Dynamite’.

'Hero' (or Ying Xiong as it was originally titled)was fucking great. Originally released in China in 2002, it was imported to our market by Quentin Tarrantino. Hero is everything that Crouching Tiger should have been. Call me crazy, but when I watch a martial arts flick, I want to see martial arts. Not a bunch of freaking wire-work.

I guess Jackie Chan must have spoiled me.

Hero did have a wire shot or two, but for the most part it looked pretty real, none of the flying bullshit Tiger had.

On top of that, it had a great story. If, however, you don’t like subtitles you might want to wait for the DVD and an English language track. I just hope they don’t fuck up the story in the translation. The English track on Crouching Tiger bore almost no resemblance to the subtitled version.

Anyways, Hero was a damn good movie.

Which brings us to ‘Napoleon Dynamite’.

Before even going in I figured Napoleon couldn’t possibly be as good as they said it was. Hell, Ain’t It Cool News (AICN) has been tonguing it’s balls for months now like the cure for freakin’ cancer was in there, so I just KNEW it couldn’t be that good.

And I was right.

Having said that, however, it is worth seeing. There were a few laugh out loud moments and several chuckles. Overall, as Nate would say, it’s better than a kick in the face.

I should point out that I got to see it for free in an empty theater. How do I get privileges like that? Because I’m the freakin’ man and don’t you fucking forget it.

It should be pointed out that this movie was made by a company owned by MTV. MTV used said company to manufacture an ‘independent’ film. I have to give it to them; it does LOOK like an independent film. It has all of the earmarks of independence except for the advertising budget which is approximately ten times what they spent on actually filming the fucking movie.

When you first see Napoleon you figure he’s got to be the most pathetic person on earth. Then you start meeting members of his family.

This is one of those movies that’s funny because it makes you feel better about your life.

I just turned 30, I’m unemployed, my body looks like it was stitched together out of the corpses of people who died by drowning in cholesterol and I still felt better about myself after watching this movie.

Seriously, anyone considering suicide should watch Napoleon Dynamite.

I’ve commented several times about how this movie looks like it’s set in the 80’s. Music, clothes, hairstyles, cars, attitudes, every respect you can imagine. It looks more like an 80’s movie that the freakin’ Breakfast Club (which I just watched the other day). Only the involvement of the Internet in the plot clues you in to the fact that it’s present day.

Someone told me that it looked like the 80’s because it’s set in Idaho and everything still looks like that there.

If that is the case, I’d like to urge the US government to BOMB IDAHO. If the threat of 1982 coming back and conquering us in our sleep isn’t a terrorist threat then I don’t fucking know what is.

This should not be confused with my pleas to bomb Mexico, Canada, Cuba, the moon, or Josh Hartnett. Those are all for separate, but equally pressing reasons (we must destroy Hartnett before he ‘acts’ again!).

But if you can get in for free, go see Napoleon Dynamite. Otherwise, it can probably wait till home video. It is worth watching once, maybe twice, but I don't know if it's worth $7.50.

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