ā€œI couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.ā€ ā€• H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Monday, August 30, 2004

I'm pretty beat. I've been up since the crack of fucking noon.

Longer really, as I went to bed a 6 AM and just tossed and turned till about 11. Then I punched the snooze button for a while.

Why did I do this? Two reasons really. The first one is, I had to go to the mall.

I hate the fucking mall.

So why did I do THAT? Because a friend of ours works at the movie theater and got us into a couple for free.

The other reason I got up at the obscene hour I did is to get my sleeping pattern back on track for my upcoming vacation.

You heard me.

Brian and I are heading to Myrtle Beach from the 11th to the 18th. If I find out before I go I'll post the room number so if you're in the area we can party.

Problem is, I think my sleepless night was caused by the anticipation of this trip.

I'm looking forward to it. I think it's going to be a lot of fun and I think I really need it, but ever since my medical problems and the prolonged recovery time, I find that things like this send me into near panic-attacks.

I'm not sure why, and I know that I'll feel great while I'm doing it and I'll feel even better afterward, but right up until I leave I'm going to feel this sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.

Part of it is the fact that I still have this massive hernia (which will look great with a bathing suit), not to mention the fact that I'm almost out of money (this trip is going to cost somewhere in the $500 range) and I still don't know what's going on with Social Security.

Here's the deal, I got sick and stayed sick for about 18 months, the length of my insurance. I tried to get the hernia fixed before it ran out, but the insurance company stalled and ran the clock out.

So I fucking love them.

The reason why I remained sick for most of 18 months instead of the 2 months that it was supposed to take was because the hospital I went to told me to clean my wounds with something called Betadine. It appeared to be some variant of Iodine. I didn't realize it at the time, but the betadine was doing such a good job of killing microorganisms that it was also killing off my immune system, opening me up to infection and therefore two additional surgeries to deal with said infections.

So I don't go to that hospital anymore.

I'd sue them, but it would probably fuck over the surgeon that saved my life and I just can't bring myself to do that.

I'm just not that ungrateful.

So I had enough to make the down payment on the surgery I need, but the hospital won't touch me if I don't have insurance to cover anything going wrong.

With me, things frequently go wrong.

I'm trying to get on Social Security so they'll cover anything going wrong. I still have just enough money to maybe make the down payment on the surgery if they'll just get my back.

But the fact that I have any money at all might keep them from accepting me.

But if I spend all the money I have left they might still not accept me, or just decide that they're not going to cover this surgery as it's not life-threatening.

So then I'll have to get a job.

I'm not opposed to getting a job, hell, at this point it'd be nice to have something to do, but even if I land a job with benefits they won't pay for the surgery because it's a pre-existing condition. Of course, a job without benefits won't be much help at all.

Then there's the fact that if I do get on Social Security they probably won't let me get my surgery from my preferred surgeon as he's in Columbus Ohio and I'm in West Virginia. Iā€™m all likelihood; Social Security will want me to go to the hospital that fucked me up to the point where I couldn't get my fucking hernia operation in the first fucking place.

This is the hell that is my life.

All things considered though, it could be a lot worse, and I know it.

It just sucks being so close to being well and not being able to get there. And I feel like a dick even bitching about it because I'm damn lucky just to be alive and I know it, and I know there's a lot of people that don't have it nearly as good as I do. Just because I've been handed a pile of shit doesn't give me any right to piss and moan.

But it's starting to wear on me.

And that's exactly why I need this trip to the beach.

Anyways, I'll review the movies I saw, 'Hero' and 'Napoleon Dynamite' a little later.

Today's Fortune Cookie:
You will soon discover
how truly fortunate
you really are.


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