OK, I am, at this very moment, watching the Jessica Lynch Story. Why would I do such a thing you may ask? That's easy, I got tired of slamming my penis in the door.

No, I'm watching it, because as many of you know, Jessica Lynch is from my hometown and I wanted to see just how badly they would fuck up said hometown.

In case you were wondering, the movie sucked balls even before the opening credits finished rolling. See, this is the version that has been put together from news reports and totally without any input from Lynch.

In the first few minutes of the film, one of her fellow officers refered to her as 'Private Lynch'. Now, you don't have to be around many soldiers to know that privates don't refer to each other this way, but TV executives think we're all stupid, so they figure they have to say 'Private Lynch' so that we know the blonde trying (and failing) to look like private Lynch is supposed to be Lynch and not say Saddam Hussein.

To maks matters worse, a flashback scene showed Lynch getting on a Greyhound bus in front of her house. Anyone that knows ANYTHING about Elizabeth knows that Greyhounds do NOT run there, and even if they did, they wouldn't run to Palestine, and even further they wouldn't pick you up AT YOUR FRONT DOOR. It's not a fucking taxi service (which Elizabeth ALSO does not have, by the way.)

And even worse, the bus rolls over a section of railroad track after a train passes through. What's wrong with that? There is a section of track in Elizabeth. It's about TEN FEET LONG. It would have to be one short motherfucking train, lemmietellya.

So they're getting captured now. I think I'm gonna turn the chanel. If you get the chance to watch this piece of crap, DON'T.