“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ok, the plague that has gripped me for the last two fucking weeks has mostly subsided and I slept through December the fucking 8th, so I pretty much didn't have to deal with it AND the fractured ankle is pretty much healed.

So now I can post stuff!

You lucky FREAKS!

Yeah, I guess I could have been posting stuff all along, but it would have just been mopey bullshit and/or bitching about various things hurting and I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to take up more than 90% of the blog with that horseshit.

Anyhow, I've taken a little criticism online about my “Get Christ the Fuck Out Of X-Mas” program. Some people thought it was 'mean' and 'cynical' and 'fucking stupid'. To these critics I have but one thing to say: the T-shirt design is already in the works, and the holiday special can't be far behind.

This post is a lot different, but someone will probably find something to complain about in it too. People are weird that way...

So I wake up this afternoon and start flipping channels because it's too goddamn cold to get out of bed and I find the TV on CNN. Normally I don't watch any news programs that aren't on Comedy Central because they make my fucking blood boil, but they ran a teaser topic that I had to stick around for. Apparently the Russians were finally revealing what they did with the remains of Adolph Hitler.

I figured this would be a great time to rant about one of my favorite soft-science pet-peeves, so I stuck around to see just what exactly the Ruskies did with Hitler so I could make my rant with as much information on my side as possible.

CNN then teased the story FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS.

After all that wait what did they reveal? Right after the war they took the body home, cremated it and tossed it in a fucking river. For some reason they kept the jawbone and the part of his skull with the bullet hole in it, and I have absolutely no doubt some nutjob has his brain in a jar somewhere, but they didn't mention that.

Why do I think someone has his brain in a jar somewhere? Because if I could have Hitler's brain in a jar I would and I don't even LIKE Hitler. It would just be cool as hell to have. People would come over, “Say, what's that?” “Why.” I would say “That's Hitler's brain in a jar!” and they'd be all like “Fucking COOL!”

Yes, YOUR friends would think it was cool too, they just wouldn't admit it. My friends rule that way.

Anyhow, this brings me to the peeve part. See, every time cloning comes up in the media one of the opponents always says “Well what if somebody cloned HITLER!”

So now, you guessed it, I want to clone Hitler.

Let that sink in for a second.

I WANT TO CLONE HITLER.

Why do I want to do this? It's not out of any love for Nazis or anything. I want to clone Hitler to show idiots that don't understand how cloning works that you would get a genetically identical body but none of the memories or personality of the original person. You would basically have a twin. A much, much younger twin.

Also, like with the brain in a jar, you'd have a hell of a conversation piece.

“Hey!, when did you have a kid!”

“Oh, him? He's not mine, he's a clone of Adolph Hitler!”

“Fucking COOL!”

Just think of all the fun you'd have raising Adolph Jr. Just to be a real dick to the original Hitler (and everyone that still thinks he was a swell guy) I'd have to raise him Jewish of course, that would be a challenge for me, and I'm sure there would be plenty of kidnapping and/or assassination attempts but that's kinda par for the course with celebrity kids right? Besides, if something does happen to him I can always make another one. Maybe I could have several and do a Partridge Family thing? Make an extra one for Angelina Jolie to adopt? The possibilities are pretty much endless.

But all fantasizing aside, I want someone to clone Hitler just so that the “Ohh, what if they clone HITLER!” people will have to eat a fucking bag of shit. These people think it's like a giant toaster oven and an adult with his personality and memories will come walking out. They have absolutely no concept whatsoever of how cloning works and it completely chaps my ass.

And even if it DID produce a fully formed human being with all Hitler's memories he wouldn't automatically start World War fucking III. True, there are people that would want to follow him, but not nearly enough to really accomplish anything. He'd just be entertaining. Actually, phrasing it that way, he'd be Ross Perot...

Think of the reality show possibilities though! “I'm With Hitler!”, “Get Me Out of Here, I'm Hitler!”, “Are you Smarter Than Hitler?”

Granted though, if he did have the memories of the original then the last memory would be that of having blown his own brains out so he'd likely be traumatized enough to be pretty much worthless.

So again, kinda like Ross Perot...

Please, PLEASE Russian scientists, CLONE HITLER! I promise I'll take care of him and feed him and everything!



Oh, on a side note, the 18th is coming up fast people! Be sure to mark it on your calendars and get your asses to Gothcoming 2009! It's going to be full of ultra-hot chicks taking off their clothes! Plus there will be like music and alcohol and stuff, and door prizes!

Again, it's being hosted by my good friend Victoria Sapphire and sponsored by The Garden and The Joint. Guests will include Angela Ryan and Rebecca of Rebecca's Rubber Room. (Also again, you really don't want to click those links if you're at work.)

It's at Skully's Music-Diner. Doors open at 9 PM, you've got to be 18 or older to get in.

I expect every one of you within driving distance and over 18 to be there. It's seriously going to rock people's faces off. RIGHT - THE - FUCK - OFF.

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