Oh yeah, Brian and Andrea had an anniversary recently! Everyone congratulate them!

I believe the actual date was the 8th and that it's been a year now, however, with my growing detachment from reality and my ever increasing reliance on modern pharmaceuticals I could be quite mistaken on both counts.

I'm fairly certain they DID get married.

I'm not that far gone yet.

At least, I don't think I am. That's the problem with losing your mind though. It's kinda hard to judge the damage from the inside.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Happy (late) Anniversary!

So I just got back in from my 8 AM appointment to have my stitch, that's right STITCH, as in SINGULAR STITCH, removed from my ankle.

I'm not sure which I'm pissed at more. Having to go there for ONE FUCKING STITCH, or having to have it done at 8 in the GODDAMN MORNING.

Fucking Daywalkers...

Anyhow, it didn't take that long so I went to my family doctor to get my speed prescription refilled since I'll be out of town when I run out of my little pals (oh, how I love them so) and then I ran to K-Mart to pick up some of that mane and tail shampoo and conditioner.

See, I've been growing my hair back out. I started doing it just so that I could get a decent haircut after the last time I butchered it trying to thin the sides out myself. I continued growing it when I saw that it was coming in really nice because of all the niacin in the drugs I've been taking. The two side benefits to this are that it really annoys my brother (who started losing his hair around age 19) and chicks really dig it.

So, despite every manly instinct in me, I got the special shampoo. I assuaged my maleness by reassuring myself that, while it may be a special shampoo (AND conditioner, which is even worse), it WAS designed for farm animals and was therefore ok.

I had to go to K-Mart for it because I only know of two places that carry it and FUCK WAL-MART.

Anyhow, while I was there I had another of those 'mortality moments' I've been going through. I was looking through the meager grocery selection while I waited for the glob of shampoo on my forearm to react with my skin.

See, my sister used the stuff a few years ago and broke out in a bright red rash everywhere it touched her skin. Given that I wasn't about to pay twelve bucks for this shit (it's two big-ass bottles, but still...) without a test.

So while killing time waiting for a rash to break out I found myself looking through the diet products when it occurred to me, why am I looking at diet products when I'm having major surgery in seven days? Given my propensity for shuffling off the mortal coil, why not enjoy myself?

So I picked up a double-feature DVD of Friday the 13th parts 1&2, seven days worth of liquor and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And not just any goddamn Krispy Kreme's, oh no, the cream-filled, chocolate-dipped motherfuckers!

I'm going out in a blaze or refined sugar!

Cause the way I see it, you gotta face death the way you lived. In my case that's jerking off while teetering on the edge of a diabetic coma.

Fuck. I just realized that I spent an awful lot on a bunch of shampoo I may never get to use.

Even worse, if I do die I know my hair's getting cut before I go into the box.

Oh well. It's booze and pills time, so very soon I won't care anymore.

See ya in hell motherfuckers!




PS: By the way, several people have asked me who I was talking about in my last post. It wasn't anyone that has commented on, been pictured on, or even read this blog. Someone that I haven't spoken to since before I even had this blog. She is, however, largely to blame for the insanity you've all been enjoying here so much, so you all owe her some thanks.

So here's another song that comes to mind when I think of her.

And I do think of her.

Far too often.

Ok, usually I wait until I get a few comments on my last post before I post a new one, but you fuckers are slacking and I've got shit going on.

First, I'd like to announce that I've volunteered to help promote the baddest-ass haunted house in the Columbus Ohio area: The House Of Nightmares.

Check out their videos:

“Violins”


“You'll Be Much Happier” (AKA 'Medical Mayhem')


Now, why am I doing this? Partially because I love Halloween and a good haunted house, but mostly because those videos (which will be cut down and aired on television as commercials) feature my girlfriend.

Yes. GIRLFRIEND. ME.

You people know her as Mistress Victoria

She prefers the term 'Mistress' to 'Girlfriend' but what woman wouldn't if given the choice?

Right now you're all trying to decide which idea baffles you more, the thought of me with a girlfriend, or the idea that she's totally fucking HOT.





Oh ye of little faith...

Yeah, alright, I'm shocked too, but something good had to happen after all the other shit I've had to put up with. I mean, I used to be a little irritated by all the pain and the cutting and the dying and shit, but this might just make me about even with the universe.

For a little while anyways.

And you'd THINK that everyone would be happy about this, but so far it's pretty much just Victoria and I. YES, I've heard a ton of reasons why this isn't 'good for me' and well intentioned though that advice may have been I'm going to follow my gut on this one.

Of course, by 'gut' I mean 'dick'. You guys know what I mean, am I right?

So please, if you have anything negative to say about me being happy, keep it to your damn self. I'm following the orders of my physician on this one.

ME: “Doc, what are the risks of me 'fooling around' in my current condition?”

DOC: “Fooling around?”

ME: “You know...”

DOC: “Oh. Well what's the situation?”

ME: “This woman that's about three zip codes out of my league has decided for some reason to give me a try and I haven't had a date since 1999.”

DOC: “If I were in your condition I wouldn't let it stop me.”

THERE. Doctors orders to pursue this. And you all want me to follow doctor's orders right?

More later. I'm tired. Can't wait to read the comments on this one...



PS: Just so you ladies out there aren't worried, this doesn't mean I'm off the market. It just means that to get to me you have to have sex with both of us. :D

So Brian and Andrea are coming up on the 26th for Brian's birthday and as always it will be great to see them, but something has been bugging me ever since the wedding.

You've all read, I'm sure, the story about the lovely miss Wednesday and about how I was warned to stay away from her or lose certain of my more favorite parts of my anatomy. This is chiefly on account of me being way to old for her I'm sure and I can fully understand that, but it does kinda chap my ass that the secondary problem is that we otherwise (in Andrea's opinion) would be a natural match.

So the reason I needed to stay away from her is because we would click?

Ok, I admit it makes sense, because God knows I'm irresistible, but it also blows. There was one person at the wedding that might be interested in my ass and I had to keep clear because she might be interested in my ass.

You see the kind of shit I have to put up with in my life?

It's like the Peanuts strips where Charlie Brown tries to kick the football, only I'm Charlie Brown, Lucy is God, the football is my love life and the only thing that gets kicked is my nuts which sail in for an easy 40 yard field-goal.

Alright, there is a significant age difference, but I'm willing to overlook that. I mean, that's what relationships are about right? Compromise? Besides, according to the Chinese (Or was it the Japanese? Know what? Doesn't matter.) the perfect wife is half your age plus one. I'm 32, she's 19. According to whichever culture I'm actually quoting she's actually to old for me. Does that bother me? Not a bit. Why? Because I'm one charmingly romantic motherfucker that's why.

Anyway, I bring this up because I have an easy way of resolving this issue and putting it all behind us. I think we should all sit down and discuss the matter. Brian and Andrea, just bring Wednesday along with you and viola! Problem solved! And then we needn't discuss it ever again.

By the way, if accommodations are an issue, Wednesday is welcome to stay at my place as I have lots of extra space. And don't worry about how we'll pass the time, I'm sure I can find some way to entertain an attractive 19-year-old girl for a couple days.