Ok, usually I wait until I get a few comments on my last post before I post a new one, but you fuckers are slacking and I've got shit going on.

First, I'd like to announce that I've volunteered to help promote the baddest-ass haunted house in the Columbus Ohio area: The House Of Nightmares.

Check out their videos:

“Violins”


“You'll Be Much Happier” (AKA 'Medical Mayhem')


Now, why am I doing this? Partially because I love Halloween and a good haunted house, but mostly because those videos (which will be cut down and aired on television as commercials) feature my girlfriend.

Yes. GIRLFRIEND. ME.

You people know her as Mistress Victoria

She prefers the term 'Mistress' to 'Girlfriend' but what woman wouldn't if given the choice?

Right now you're all trying to decide which idea baffles you more, the thought of me with a girlfriend, or the idea that she's totally fucking HOT.





Oh ye of little faith...

Yeah, alright, I'm shocked too, but something good had to happen after all the other shit I've had to put up with. I mean, I used to be a little irritated by all the pain and the cutting and the dying and shit, but this might just make me about even with the universe.

For a little while anyways.

And you'd THINK that everyone would be happy about this, but so far it's pretty much just Victoria and I. YES, I've heard a ton of reasons why this isn't 'good for me' and well intentioned though that advice may have been I'm going to follow my gut on this one.

Of course, by 'gut' I mean 'dick'. You guys know what I mean, am I right?

So please, if you have anything negative to say about me being happy, keep it to your damn self. I'm following the orders of my physician on this one.

ME: “Doc, what are the risks of me 'fooling around' in my current condition?”

DOC: “Fooling around?”

ME: “You know...”

DOC: “Oh. Well what's the situation?”

ME: “This woman that's about three zip codes out of my league has decided for some reason to give me a try and I haven't had a date since 1999.”

DOC: “If I were in your condition I wouldn't let it stop me.”

THERE. Doctors orders to pursue this. And you all want me to follow doctor's orders right?

More later. I'm tired. Can't wait to read the comments on this one...



PS: Just so you ladies out there aren't worried, this doesn't mean I'm off the market. It just means that to get to me you have to have sex with both of us. :D