So I had a doctor's appointment this morning and, as usual, I was running late.

Now, even though I totally qualify for one, I never applied for a handicapped parking pass. I just feel that there are people that need it more than I do, plus, my disability isn't a visible one. This means when I get out of my car I don't appear to be disabled, I appear to be a big fat fuck that just wants the shortest walk possible and I don't care if I inconvenience someone that deserves that spot.

Unfortunately, this meant that I was kinda shit out of luck when it came to parking this morning. All the regular spots were full. It was either take my chances parking in a handicapped spot (and if they check those anywhere harder than a hospital parking lot then something is wrong) or in a clergy spot. Now, for those of you who don't know, I am technically an atheist. I say technically because I believe that there could be a higher power, but I have little evidence for such. So while I respect the handicapped spots I kinda resent that the clergy get special spots.

 I pull into the last clergy spot (there's like 5 of them, seriously?) and I head inside, making it to my appointment with 5 minutes to spare. The appointment went well, they patch me back up and I head back down to the parking lot after about 45 minutes. There are people walking around me, but I don't notice till I get to my car that the guy walking next to me is wearing a priest's collar.

 Priest: "Excuse me, are you a clergyman?"

 Me: "Nope."

 Priest: "You realize that these spots are reserved for clergy members here on important business?" 

Me: "I'm sure you and I differ greatly in our estimation of the 'importance' of the clergy." Priest: "I am here to deliver the comfort of Christ to those in need and I couldn't park in the spots designated for doing so because of you!"

 Me: "So you're into Jesus?"

 Priest: (Pointing at his collar) "I have devoted my life to the teachings of Christ!"

 Me: "Then forgive me." 

He almost choked on whatever he was about to say next and stormed off. All the way to his car. About 20 yards away. I think I'm going to use the clergy spots from now on. Seems like I deserve to. After all, I taught a priest a lesson about Jesus.

And time for another weird project!

Yes, it's been a while. Piss off.

Anyways, I used to play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. I mean a LOT. You're shocked, I can tell. I haven't played in several years now though, due to an unfortunate incident, but I was playing just a few years ago at The Guardtower on Bethel road. It's an awesome game store and I recommend it if you're into gaming. I haven't been back there since... well, lets just leave it at that. I haven't been back there in a while.

But I wasn't playing MY D&D then. I was playing one of the new ones. Third edition I think. Anything that came after TSR was bought by Wizards of the coast is NOT real D&D.

I started playing D&D in about 1986 or 87 with the original red box and eventually moved on to Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, also known as D&D 2.0 and then 2.5. I love them both, but Advanced D&D was an improvement and we played the shit out of it. As a result, it left my Players Handbook in something of a state. Well I found it the other day.

Not very pretty. So I decided to do something about it. With some scraps of cloth and leather and a shitlosad of binder clips...

I ended up with this:

So to sum up, I took an abused gaming manual from a version of the game that people don't play anymore and that I personally haven't played in ANY form in a few years and I bound it in leather CAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL.

Actually, it's kinda making me want to play again. Maybe it's time.

Oh, and to those of you who are concerned, it's not real leather and it was recycled anyway.

So a guy was fixing the light in my kitchen a couple weeks ago and I noticed, while he was working in the dark, that his cordless power drill had a built-in LED flashlight.

I have a pretty nice cordless drill, but it doesn't have a flashlight on it. I'm not even sure how often I would NEED a flashlight on my drill, but goddammit I wanted one. TO EBAY!

So here is the drill before the madness began:



Isn't it nice? Now let's drop some science on it!

First thing, we crack it open:



We see here that there's a bit of the inner casing that's in the way of where I need to put a piece of hardware, so out it goes!



And another one in the front:



And the hole I drilled in my finger:



And here's what they look like from the outside:



Now this all looks pretty simple, and it is, but it was tricky finding space inside the body of the drill to set the threaded metal pieces into. They had to be in a straight line and there were only a few places they could go and have this work. Also, I hear you asking, how did you manage to drill a hole in your finger if your drill is the thing you were drilling through? Simple! Two drills! I was using one drill to drill holes into another drill and you don't have to watch Doctor Who to know that kind of shit can break the universe if you fuck it up.

But finally, why the hell did I do this? It was so that I could add this:



This is a piece of Picatinny RIS 20mm Standard Weaver Rail Mount Base. It's a piece of gun hardware that allows one to add things to tactical firearms.





Things like scopes, laser sights and...



FLASHLIGHTS BABY!









I now own a tactical power drill!

Some of you will inevitably ask why anyone would do this.

Those people have no joy in their souls.

So I just had a brilliant idea about how to make the late 80's hit "Dirty Dancing" actually watchable.

All you have to do is cut out all of the dancing bits and replace them with clips from Road House!

And the romantic bits.

And all the dialogue.

Basically watch Road House.

May Contain Spoilers
So I watched "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" last night. Basically all you need to know about the movie is summed up in the title. Abraham Lincoln is in it and he fights vampires. I have to admit, historical inaccuracies aside (and if you went into a movie called "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" expecting historical accuracy, well, maybe you fail at movies) it was actually a fun watch.


If you don't want some minor spoilers then don't read past this point.

It starts out with Lincoln as a young boy and then as a young adult for most of the film. This stuff was good, but when he becomes an adult and President the vampire stuff spills into the Civil War stuff and I wish the two had remained entirely separate. Keep the Vampire hunting before the Civil War. Still though, the majority of the movie is young Lincoln killing vampires with a motherfucking axe. If you like the sound of that, then you'll enjoy this movie.

I don't know if this movie can actually be considered 'historical fiction' because, you know VAMPIRES, but I do feel that the history intrudes on the story. You get Lincoln, you see the process of him becoming this Hunter, you get some historical setup and that's kinda neat, but then you get the vampires being involves with the slave trade.

Huh?

I mean, they make it make some sense because the slaves are a convenient food source for the vampires and it does make the vamps seem even more evil, but it should have been mentioned and mostly forgotten. Just brought up as a way to make the vampires associate more with the South, but no, they have the vampires form a pact with Robert E Lee and actually JOIN THE WAR. IN UNIFORM.

This is made possible by the one violation of the vampire rules they commit. Sunlight doesn't seem to bother them at all. They mention at the beginning that vampires can learn to 'resist sunlight' but then it never bothers any of them. One person is bitten and makes the change (or at least starts it) in what appears to be the afternoon sun with no repercussions.

As for the other rules, they never mention holy symbols or faith, so we don't know if they work at all, but they didn't say they didn't. Nobody got staked in the heart, but again, they don't come out and say that doesn't work, just nobody does it. Basically they don't contradict the rules, but you never see most of them at work. Except for the sunlight thing, but at least they don't goddamn SPARKLE...

The only thing that really harms them seems to be silver, which is perfect because it allows Lincoln to hack the shit out of them with a silver-edged axe and that's the main reason to watch this movie. I admit that the action gets very ridiculous, as apparently Lincoln knew Kung-Fu (never covered THAT in History class) and while I can accept that a vampire can escape by leaping across the backs of stampeding horses it's a lot harder to accept that Lincoln could FOLLOW HIM. Not just follow, but CATCH HIM.

Still though, I've seen a lot worse (seriously, a LOT worse) and I enjoyed it. You might too as long as you know not to take it seriously.

So I've decided I'm going to start using this thing again, because since I stopped using it my writing has really suffered.  So I'm back motherfuckers!

By the way, I use a lot of foul language when I write here in the Graveyard, so now you know that.

Anyways, quite a bit has happened in the gulf of months since since I last posted here.  Not the least of which was getting my surgery done!  That went pretty well and I'll post more about it later, but first I'm gonna rant about what popped into my head and made me return here.

See, I've never seen a Harlem Shake video.

That's not a goddamn challenge you assholes!

I'm PROUD of the fact that I've never seen a Harlem Shake video.  Why am I posting this now that the craze has mostly died down?  For exactly that very goddamn reason!  I figure it's pretty safe to post about this now that the dance craze, as is the way of all dance crazes, has died a much deserved death.

I believe that we are at a point in our evolution where dance crazes have become a vestigial social construct that should be done away with.

Like appendixes.

Or wisdom teeth.

Or Kardashians.

Actually, I have seen ONE Harlem Shake video, but only because the person dancing fell into a bonfire.  So there was very little dancing, more being on fire.  This made me quite happy.  I'm convinced that's where dance crazes originated anyway.  One caveman caught fire and they all learned how to stop, drop and roll in harmony.



Warning: The preceding video featured really shitty dancing and a guy falling into a fire.  You're welcome.

"Why are you so down on dance crazes?"  I hear some of you whining already.  "They don't hurt anybody!"  Well let me tell you people, most of you are too young, but I remember what the Macarena did to this country!

Sometimes... late at night... I can still hear that goddamn song...

So yeah, fuck the Harlem Shake, fuck Harlem Shake videos and, what the hell, fuck everything else for that matter.

Feels good to be back!

Ok guys, bear with me here. I'm trying to resurrect this beast, but in order to get the archives working (if indeed they ARE working) I had to start the template over again from scratch. You've likely already noticed that bit. Anyhow, that's why things look funny and will continue to look funny for the next few days.

As you were.

So, again, it's been months since I posted last. This time it's because some really terrible shit has happened that I really didn't want to write about and then I got busy with a bunch of stuff, not the least of which being Gothcoming which was pure awesome from start to finish.

For those of you that didn't make it we may be having another sooner than expected. I'll keep you posted on that.

Anyways, I'm making my annual post about X-Mas encroaching on Halloween, but with a slight twist this year. See, I've finally figured out why politicians, notoriously the lowest scum on the face of the planet, are so keen to cozy up to the religious right and show what great christians they are, while at the same time committing acts of the purest evil.

Bear in mind, this thought came to me at 5 in the morning after washing down some painkillers with diet Mountain Dew.

So I was noticing that the X-Mas ads started coming earlier and earlier each year and this year they've started well before Halloween, which is an abomination to me, and It dawned on me that the timing of the rushing of the X-Mas season seems to be in proportion with how messed up the economy is. THEN it dawned on me that the X-Mas season is the most important time of the year for most retail stores. Then I put it all together. Our economy is so dependent on the X-Mas season to stay afloat that the politicians are falling over one another to sell their souls to Santa. Trouble is, they already worship the almighty dollar and since money is the root of all evil that means that politicians are all Satanists.

Hey, these are my rules. You don't like them? Make up some of your own. It's fun.

The real revelation here is that politicians aren't really christians. They're just acting like christians to promote a holiday that benefits them financially. Putting that together really warms my blackened little heart.

And before you tell me how wrong I am, think about it. My theory does explain why every politician on both sides has to make some effort to keep the christians happy. It explains why the ones that act like the biggest christians seem to always get caught doing the things they decry the most. They're EXPLOITING christians for their own benefit! It's actually kinda brilliant from my standpoint.

This brings me to the other thing I needed to post about; the upcoming election.

I swore off voting after the election of George 'the Dancing Monkey-Boy' Bush because after that obviously no good can come of it. But I voted in the last election because friends of mine who believe in voting also believed that I should be voting even if I didn't believe in it. So I did. Now it's that time again.

Actually, I didn't swear off voting entirely. I just swore it off until we got an openly non-christian (or better yet non-religious altogether) candidate, but in light of the Santa connection that's not going to happen within my fucking lifetime...

I honestly don't see why nobody else sees this, but here goes. In an election you don't get to chose the candidate you want. You get to chose between the people that the people in charge have selected and decided they'll ALLOW you to vote for. Without exception these are people that have no idea what life is like for any of us and they don't give a rats ass about any of you. Yes, even the politician you like, he or she is a lying shitbag. In fact, the more a candidate seems like a good choice, the more out of touch and evil they are.

HOWEVER, many of my friends believe in voting and I'm trying to be sensitive to that, so I've decided I'm going to vote even though I think it's a massive waste of my precious (well, semi-precious) time. I don't know where anyone stands on any of the issues and even if I did it's my firm belief that anything a politician says is a lie, so if I DID know what they said they stood for I'd believe the exact opposite anyway. So I've decided, in the interest of irony, to be democratic about this, so I'm going to have a poll. In the comments below tell me who you think I should vote for.

Most votes wins.

I will stand by the results of this poll. Whomever wins I WILL vote for, so hit me with it people. Otherwise I'm just going to go in and write in a bunch of joke names. Partially to make a statement about what a farce I think the whole system is and partially because it's funny to vote for Seymour Butts for Governor.

And for those of you who are wondering, yes, I am a deeply cynical person. It's a cynicism born out of disappointment in my fellow planet-mates. I'd have said fellow humans, but I'm still operating on the assumption that I'm not actually from this planet. Perhaps that's just wishful thinking. Point is, all our problems can be easily solved if we could just put superstition and greed out of the way for a little while, anyone that tells you different is after your money.

PS: I've never heard a song by Justin Bieber, but could somebody please shove him in front of a speeding bus? Thank you.

So I had a good time hanging out with Brian and Andrea tonight. In addition to them, Mike & Cassandra, Mike & Bethany, Sham & Macheal (and the kids), Ryan, Big John, Nate, My sister and a friend of hers (whose name oddly won't come to me right now) were all there. It was a lot of fun getting to hang out with everyone. Now that I've gotten that out of the way it's time for the bitching.

You knew it was coming.

It's what you come here FOR.

We went to The River City Tavern in Parkersburg, which has changed hands yet AGAIN. We've been there several times and they were decent before. Tonight was an exception for two reasons.

The first reason, it was karaoke night. That shouldn't need further elaboration, but I'll go ahead anyway. See, it's nice when hanging out with friends (especially ones you haven't seen in a while) to be able to actually talk to one another and be heard. This is why I was happy that we weren't going where we usually go, Buffalo Wild Wings (B-Dubs). Now, I DO like their overpriced wings, but you can barely hear the person next to you let alone someone sitting at the Last-Supper-esque row of tables we need to accommodate everyone. Since this is Memorial Day Weekend and there's a UFC fight on Pay Per View there we couldn't get in, so we went to River City.

And I was glad to be away from B-Dubs so that we could have conversation if not the aforementioned tasty, yet overpriced, wings (I really can't stress OVERPRICED enough), but also because of the Karaoke Principle. The Principle states that the more you hate karaoke multiplied by how much you try to avoid it equals the likelihood that you will encounter it.

The only exception to this is Punk Rock Karaoke at Circus on High and Fifth in Columbus, which I actually LIKE. This has a LOT to do with the fact that it's at a goth bar and nobody sings country music there. Well, except the occasional Johnny Cash song, but Cash was as goth as country could ever get and if you have a problem with Johnny Cash you can go goddamned fuck yourself.

Anyhow, many a time have we gambled with the Karaoke Principle and many a time have we been auditorally raped. Most notably by these three cackling harpies that used to go to B-Dubs EVERY karaoke night (which is to say every night that we were all able to assemble together) and sing the SAME DAMN SONG.

That damned song? Why that would be Earl, by the Dixie Chicks.

How bad was their singing?

It made me feel bad for EARL.

Made the Dixie Chicks sound a lot better by way of comparison though...

Come to think of it though, that song always bothered me even before those screeching gorgons got a hold of it.

I mean, basically it's a song about a girl in a small town who, for whatever reason, waited a little too long to get hitched or something and there was only one available guy left, the titular Earl. She never mentions anything about being attracted to him or loving him or even seeing a single positive quality in him whatsoever, just that he was the only guy left. So she married his ass and get this, Earl, as it turns out, isn't Prince Charming! I know, right! He's an abusive pigfucker of a shitbag! So because Earl is, well, EARL, now he's got to die. It's like wanting a puppy, but there are no puppies left so instead you take the pit bull from the back that nobody wants and when it turns out to want to rip your flesh off rather than say, play fetch, you bash it's fucking head in with a shovel.

I understand that some people are trapped in shitty towns and sometimes make bad decisions and whatnot. I also understand that there are a LOT of shitbag guys out there who abuse women and Earl was undoubtedly deserved to die. I'm just critical of the reasoning here. It would be one thing if she thought she was in love with him, or one drunken night after the big football game she got knocked up and she felt she HAD to marry him, but there's nothing like that in the song. It's literally: "Wanda looked all around this town and all she found was Earl".

She had ONE thing she was looking for in a man and that was that he, well, basically existed. Beyond that she didn't seem too goddamn picky did she?

All I'm saying is you don't scrape the bottom of the barrel and expect to get a fresh, shiny apple.

And you sure as hell can't blame the apple. Or at least not that gleefully.

Guys like him DO deserve to die and all, we're on the same page there, I'm just sayin...

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yeah,

River City was perfect till the Karaoke started. Partly because we were all drowned out by shitty renditions of Eagles songs (fortunately though, no Dixie Chicks) and partly because that's when my food arrived, which brings us to reason number two, my food SUCKED.

See, it's River City and they at least USED to be known for decent seafood. I like seafood and have ordered, at least twice in the past, the fish & chips which were quite satisfactory. It was a nice big, deep-fried fish fillet with steak fries. Tonight I got, well, you know the really cheap-ass, 'minced fish portions'? The really shitty ones that you got with your high school lunch? The ones that if you took them to the zoo and tossed them to the penguins (or really ANY fish-eating animal) they wouldn't recognize them as food? I got three of those resting on fries that were so small and poorly cooked that I couldn't eat them all.

Let me give you a second to process that.

I am a fat bastard. One of the fattest you're ever likely to meet (at least till my surgery comes through) and I was served food that I could not finish.

Someone that lives close to Rich Sanders may want to go over to his place and see if he hit his head when he passed out after reading that last statement.

To add further insult, the 'fish' cost me $9.99. I know for a fact that I could buy a whole box of those goddamn things for just over $2 AND a 5 lb bag of frozen french fries and it wouldn't have cost me $9.99. And furthermore I'd have FUCKING COOKED THEM PROPERLY!

I also had a dinner salad which was ok, and split an appetizer sampler with my sister which was also just ok.

Essentially I paid $34 and change for a microwaved meal from the Walmart freezer section that I could have prepared better myself at a fraction of the cost.

That $34 included like a $4 tip that was automatically added to my meal. Granted, my gripe wasn't with the waitress, she was good, but I hate this bullshit of automatically adding the tip to the meal. It's not a TIP that way. It's a SURCHARGE.

Anyhow, that's Murdoch's River City Tavern at 3420 Murdoch Avenue, Parkersburg, WV 26101

I shan't be going there again. Avoid it at all costs.

Matter of fact, if my stomach follows through with what I think is coming on I may have a whole new list of reasons for you to avoid it in the morning.

I may be building up to a Ring of Fire...



UPDATE: Tossed and turned all night, not that unusual, and had nightmares about zombies, slightly more unusual than you'd think. See, I almost never have dreams, at least not ones that I can remember. Gee, I wonder what could have brought on some fucked-up dreams?

Also, I realized why River City didn't serve the same quality fish as before. It's most likely due to the entire Gulf being covered in BP Oil, but you know what? If they had said "Due to the oil spill we're not serving fish." or "The fish isn't up to our usually quality, we recommend you order something else." then I'd have happily ordered something else, but they didn't do that. They brought out 'fish' of a quality that McDonalds wouldn't have served and charged me the same price as they would have for fresh fish.

I'd have sent it back, but nothing ruins a good time out like someone being a dick to the restaurant, even if said restaurant truly deserves it.

Again, that's Murdoch's River City Tavern at 3420 Murdoch Avenue, Parkersburg, WV 26101

If someone you know wants to go there then please pass this story on.

Very shortly I'll be heading out to Mom's for the holiday weekend and I'll be gone till like Monday. Going to get to hang out with Brian and Andrea on Saturday which I hardly ever get to do anymore and hopefully I'll get to see some of my other friends that I didn't get to hang out with last time I was in.

Anyways, if you want to hang out on Saturday call me for details.

Ok guys, getting ready to go into town to go through the old house one last time. If you want to see the carnage for yourselves you'd better come today because it'll be torn down soon afterward.