So I went to the fucking mall yesterday. You might not be able to tell, but I hate the fucking mall. When terrorists talk about the decadence of the west, they're talking about the mall.

First of all, the mall here is made up of 50% shoe stores. 50% in a state where people make jokes about barefoot hillbillies. Irony anyone?

The only places I can stand to go to in the fucking mall are the movie theaters, which are an inevitable evil since they're the only ones we have, then Waldenbooks, Toy and Hobby, and Spencers gifts. That's it. Well, the food court too, then that's it.

But anyway, since Parkersburg is solidly 10 years behind any given trend, I got to engage in one of my favorite mall games.

Step 1. Find an asshole kid with the waist of his pants around his knees. This may be more difficult than it used to be since if the Parkersburg kids are into it, then the rest of the world is likely almost through with it.

Step 2. Wait for him to pause momentarily.

Step 3. Plant your foot firmly on one of his pantlegs (some portion of which should be dragging on the floor).

Step 4. Laugh long and loud as he looks for his front teeth under the cellphone kiosk.