“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Monday, December 06, 2004

Jesus, Billy, finger-licking, mother-fucking, pogo-sticking, CHRIST!!!

Admit it God, you're just fucking mocking me now!



So first off today I drop off a movie we rented at Hollywood video. I know, I shouldn't be renting movies, but it was Spider Man 2, the greatest comic book movie ever made.

Tremble in it's magnificence.

Anyways, I see that they still have a 'Help Wanted' sign. Seeing as how I went through the rediculously complicated online application system some time ago and they hadn't hired me I thought I'd ask what thier fucking problem was.

You know, since I totally rule and all.

I was informed by the zit-faced punk behind the counter that they would have called me if i got through the application process. "You must have filled something out wrong", he says.

Let's examine this, shall we?

I am a college graduate, I have an IQ of 170, I've seen 90% of thier stock (and can recite lines verbatim from 50%), I applied for any hours at any pay in any position.

I guess I'm just not Hollywood Video material.

Not like the high school kid behind the counter with the fucking 'manager' tag.

He suggested re-applying.

I suggested he drown in a bucket of Clearasil.

I've got mad people-skills.

But that's not the job I spoke of in my last post. That job was at Napoli's Pizza. In the call center. I figure I can handle that job well enough. Napoli's, from here out to be referred to as 'Crapoli's' (Wanna guess weather I got the fucking job or not?) is the institution where my roommate Nate works. He got in rather easily.

So our friend Jeremy needed a job. He mentioned it to Nate, who mentioned it to his boss who immediately called Jeremy at MY HOUSE to come in immediately for an interview. He was training the next day.

So then our friend Adam (From Adam Needef's Game show Utopia!) needed a job. He too applied and got in immediately.

So being desperate for cash at this point (largely due to government efficiency) I figured it would be no problem to get a job at good 'Ol Crapoli's (Home of the Grease Bucket! tm), right?

So I call the manager on duty, whom Nate nicknamed the Master-Chief. In short, she said "NO".

It went something like this:

Ford: "Are you hiring?"

Master Chief: -Pause-

Ford: "This is Ford."

Master Chief: (with phone away from face) "God-dammit Nate! Why did you tell him to call in here?"

Nate: (In background) "What? I told him NOT to apply at this shithole!" (Or words to that effect.)

Ford: "Nate didn't know. He wasn't even the one that patched me through to you."

Master Chief: "Well I've already got Nate, Jeremy and Adam, I don't need another one of you guys."

Ford: "So, you're not hiring then?"

Master Chief: "Why would you want to work here anyway?"

Ford: "Because I need money. And even the shit-money that your shit-job provides is better than nothing."

Master Chief: "Yeah, it is sort of a shit-job."

Ford: "I would have applied sooner, but I thought sure by now they'd have trained monkeys to use phones well enough to put you guys out of fucking business."

It kinda went downhill from there.

So, twice today I've been rejected from jobs that can, have been and are almost exclusively filled by complete incompetents.

Not that I'm suggesting that Nate, Jeremy and Adam are incompetent. A bit unhinged, perhaps, but who am I to talk?

So my fucking self worth is just fucking SOARING at this fucking point.


And on Tuesday they're shutting off my cable. I'm pretty sure I can delay it, but it means I may be offline for a day or two till I can get NetZero or something running.

Remember when NetZero started up and they were called NetZero because they were free? Well apparently in this economy free is now equal to negative ten dollars a month. Still, it's better than what I'm paying now and it likely won't be too much slower.

In the meantime, I would like to point out that I am available for employment if anyone reading this needs a writer, artist, or anything that doesn't require any heavy lifting.

I have written several grants for a recycling center in my hometown. In fact, it is almost completely funded by money I brought in. So if you need a grant written, I'm your man.

Need a term paper written? I have an english degree and a history of writing papers the night before they were due (sometimes on books I hadn't even read) and got 'A's on them. So you need a term paper written? E-mail me.

Need art or basic HTML programming for your website? I'm pretty good with the digital stuff.

Are you female and lonely? Do you fear commitment? Are you affraid you might not be the classically accepted vision of 'attractiveness'? For the right amount of money I'll lick, suck, fondle or fuck whatever you want, whenever you want, for as long as you could possibly want. (Transexuals will be taken on a case-by-case basis. Post-op's only please.)

So come on, there's lots of shit I'm good at, surely I can do it for someone.

Oh, and after all that unpleasant noise I'd like to thank those of you that sent me money. I really did only put that up there to get money from suckers and compulsive net-donors, not solicit money from my friends, but that's who responded, and I appreciate it.

You guys are great.


Post a Comment

<< Home