So, hot on the heels of the attempted leg surgery I had my hernia appointment in Morgantown.

I must admit that I was a bit stressed. So when my Mom, who usually drives me to thing like this in case they drug me and tell me not to drive myself home, wasn't feeling well I decided to drive myself. This would give me some time to chill out and spend some time with my first true love.



Ain't she a beauty?

Anyhow, I thought the solo trip would be relaxing and it would allow me to actually go to some of the places I like to go, which is impossible when mom drives. If I'm lucky I can run into Gateway Comics or The Den (Formerly The Discount Den)for about 15 minutes. Any longer than that and she'll come in and as geeky as one feels just being in a comic book store, it gets exponentially worse when your Mom walks in.

Plus it's kinda hard to justify paying three bucks or more for a 30 page comic book with her there at the actual moment of purchase...

MOM: "You're paying three dollars for that?"

ME: "But it's Bruce Campbell fighting superheroes that have turned into zombies..."

MOM: "Isn't he that actor you like from the Old Spice commercials?"

ME: "He's not FROM the commercials, he's IN the commercials There's a distinction there."

MOM: "Whatever. Honestly I don't know why you buy these things when you could just be making your own..."

ME: "I DO make my own. You just don't read them ever."

MOM: "You mean the one with the foul mouthed purple duck on the website that hasn't updated since March?"

ME: "He's not a duck..."

COMIC STORE GUY: "Can I just get the three dollars so I can go to fucking lunch please?"

So it was cool that I'd be able to hit some of my favorite spots. Maybe even go to a Dairy Mart and pick up a Stromboli To anyone that's ever had one, the Dairy Mart pizza Stromboli is simply the most delicious thing in the world and despite the fact that I've been in Morgantown many, MANY times since I graduated I haven't had one since 1999 because I always seem to be there with Mom.

The day before the trip Mom informs me that she'll be going after all because she doesn't trust my car to get me there and back.

And Grandma was going too.

Fuck.

Now as I've stated many times, Grandma kicks ass. Going anywhere else it wouldn't be a problem that she was coming along. Given that she was now going it was guaranteed that not only would I not get my 15 uncomfortable minutes in the comic book store, but I wouldn't even get over to that side of the hill to stare at it, teary eyed, through the window as we drove past it.

there was also this to contend with:



111.6 miles, 1 Hour and 52 minute drive, for a normal person. I can do it in an hour. With Mom driving it takes about two and a half. So to make my 12:45 appointment I had to be ready to go at 9 AM. 9 AM and I have never had a good working relationship. In fact, if I could kick 9 AM's ass I would, but it's an abstract concept and I'm not in my best fighting condition at the moment.

But I awake at the ass-crack of dawn, get ready, and off I goddamn go.

The trip was long, boring and uneventful. The only part of it worthy of noting is that, where Mom usually won't allow any music to be played while she's in a vehicle, she actually put in the Leonard Cohen album I gave her, so it could have sucked more.

I get to the hospital and get in immediately. First, the weigh-in...

I lost another 6 lbs this month.

I always hate starting off on good news. It sets you up for a higher fall.

Even so, I still felt pretty good.

I was pretty sure that the appointment was going to end with me having a date for the surgery. Usually, when they put you into the schedule you're coming in behind about two months of people who are already booked. My surgery was going to take a lot of time and a lot of people, so I figured it might take three months or more to get in.

So you can imagine my surprise when, while drinking the diet Coke they'd generously provided, the nice, attractive, young assistant asks me if August 23rd would be ok.

I'm sure it wasn't as much of a surprise as the one she got, being suddenly (and thoroughly) covered in the mist of diet Coke that shot through my nose.

Damn I'm smooth.

But yes, August 23rd, of THIS YEAR I will finally be getting my goddamn hernia fixed!

FUCK YEAH!

Next thing I knew I was answering pre-surgical questionnaires and having blood samples taken.

The fun part of that is when they ask the question about blood transfusions.

NURSE: "How many transfusions?"

ME: "Six."

NURSE: "Do you remember the dates of each of them?"

ME: "December 31st 2001."

NURSE: "And the others?"

ME: "December 31st 2001."

NURSE: "All within 24 hours?"

ME: "All at the same time as I understand it. Technically it was one transfusion of six pints of blood, but since the odds of any two of those pints having come from the same person is astronomical it counts as six transfusions."

NURSE: "You realize that's about half your blood right?"

ME: "I found it kinda difficult to ignore that bit of trivia, yeah."

Later, as she was typing my information into the computer I saw a little window with the words "Alert, aware..." Ahh, evaluating my psychological state, this should be interesting.

"Talks incessantly..." I got a bit of a chuckle out of that one. After that she added "Apparently capable of reading the computer screen from across the room..."

Smart ass...

Anyway, the important news is that the surgery is on AUGUST 23rd. I'll be posting further information as I get it. For now all I know is that it's on the 23rd and they'll be working on me for five hours under total anesthesia, and after that they'll be keeping me for 5 to 7 days. It'll probably be closer to 5 because I heal twice as fast at a real hospital as I do at the one that fucking poisoned me.

Funny how that works isn't it?

So the hospital info is:

Ruby Memorial Hospital
PO Box 8059, Morgantown, WV, 26506

Patient Information: (304) 598-4400

I'll post the room number and phone number on the blog as soon as I regain consciousness, as I'll have my sister's laptop with me and the entire hospital has wi-fi capability. I'll also be requesting a private room so all you ladies reading this can test to see just how fully I've recovered. ;D

The greatest struggle in all of this will be resulting the urge to look for porn until they've removed the catheter...

And speaking of masturbating, I'm off.

I'm leaving you with this, just because it makes me happy. :D