“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Ahhhhhh, God.

Had a great time at the farm. Fewer people showed up than expected, but it was still great.

And thanks for asking Ophelia, but no there was no sexing up of any sort.

At least, not for me.


But despite the lack of debauchery I'm still sore from head to toe. Farm work will do that to you. But even with the pain I feel great and a damn good time was had by all.

We split some wood, built a bonfire, explored the place a little and as usual my Uncle amazed me yet again. In the shed, just sitting there, is everything we could ask for (with the exception of alcohol) to throw one outrageous goddamn party.

Planning began immediately.

One of the fun parts of the day was that I was finally able to get Jeremy the Kung-Fu Jew down to the farm. For those of you that don’t know him, the Jew is actually catholic, but with his increasingly long hair he looks like a six-foot, eight–inch tall Jesus. Despite the fact that he’s a West Virginia boy he spends most of his time in town, so it didn’t surprise any of us to learn that he’d never been fishing.

A West Virginia native that’s never been fishing, you ask? Hey, we’ve all got our dark little secrets.

But that was rectified after about an hour on the pond. From the bonfire area we heard a mighty “Wooooooooooooo!!!”. This could only have meant two things. Either he’d caught a fish or he’d fallen into the pond.

Looking back, I probably should have asked him if he knew how to swim before he took the boat out.

No, he didn’t fall in. In fact he was the only person to catch a damn fish all day, but I don’t know how he was able to stay in that thing. I mean, he’s damn near seven feet tall on the water in a paddle-boat, but our Hebrew of the High Seas pulled it off admirably and verrily he did provide us with fishes.

Don’t worry, no fish were harmed in the making of this story. He was safely released. The cows that made up our burgers were not so fortunate. Another surprise provided by my Uncle was a huge stainless-steel grill with electronic ignition and rotisserie.

It did take a couple of minutes to get our grillmiester Ryan to quit humping it so we could fire it up. Once we did though, it was fucking SWEET.

Just before dark we lit the bonfire. We figured we probably should as none of Ryan’s Linux users group buddies had shown up yet and they might need a signal fire had they gotten lost in the woods somewhere. Many of us took the lack of Banjo music to be a positive sign, but like the song says: it’s hard to play a banjo while you’re violently sodomizing a computer geek.

The topic of fireside conversation was the theoretical achieving of absolute zero and weather or not there was an absolute opposite. We all knew there was a point where matter becomes light, but none of us knew offhand how things worked beyond that point.

We also mused as to what would happen if absolute zero was ever reached. Some theorize that if absolute zero were reached it would cause a chain reaction that would destroy the universe. But then people said that about waffles too and they worked out just fine.

Anyways, we figure the next party will be a few days after July 4th. This is perfect as everyone will still have alcohol left over (Mental note: need to clean up the blender and take it down to the farm.), everyone will have some explosives left over, and I’m sure there’ll be a lot of new stuff at the site leftover from my Uncle’s party on the 4th.

I’ll keep you all posted on the details.


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