For whatever reason, I chose to answer it unarmed. This is important as it would have really changed the complexion of the conversation that followed.
Anyways, I answer the door, unarmed, and what do I find on the other side, but a smokin’ hot Filipino chick and her two cute teenage friends.
At this point I’d like to point out just how often this NEVER, NEVER HAPPENS.
So, as I’m thanking God in my mind for finally granting my wishes, she begins explaining to me about how I should thank God for all that he has given me.
“Come again?” I asked.
Turns out I’d been suckered in by Christian cultists on a recruiting drive.
In my defense though, she was a really HOT cultist. Her friends were cute too. Did I mention that?
So I know what you guys are thinking; “Christians at Ford’s house? That’s like Black guys at a Klan meeting or Michael Moore at the White House.” But I was actually civil, even co-operative, it was as if I was hypnotized by something. Perhaps by her lovely eyes, her charming accent, or her oh-so sweet, sweet titties, rising and falling with each breath…
Where was I? Oh yeah, so I stood there for like a half an hour in the freezing cold listening to her sales pitch. She quoted from her Bible, she talked about the church she was representing, and she even invited me to pray with her, which I actually did since it gave me an excuse to get a better angle at looking down the front of her dress.
Verily, she did give me a glimpse of heaven.
And the good news is that if I understood her correctly I’m still going to go to there.
Granted, I may have missed something. It was hard to keep track as the bulk of my concentration was being dominated by her nipples straining ever harder against her shirt.
Using the cold as a pretense I invited them inside. Partially because I was freezing, partially because I was trying to put them at ease so I could ask out their leader, and partially because I think it would have been interesting to see their reaction to my sword-and-skull living room décor. Unfortunately they declined.
The times that I managed to get her off track with my charm (which is quite a formidable weapon, and one that I don’t use lightly) made it obvious just how practiced her routine was. I could see that even her playful asides to her cute companions were part of a disarming act aimed at getting me to listen to her. I grant you I worked, sort of. If getting a big horny guy to stare at your chest is how you measure success.
So it looks like I’m ‘saved’. At least that’s what the piece of paper they gave me says. Shit, it’s hard to tell just what the hell I might have agreed to. I might have signed up for human sacrifice if this chick had asked. I think it had something to do with the fact that I spent the majority of the conversation looking for an opening to ask her out.
Did I mention she was really hot?
And I DID ask her out. And even though she mentioned somewhere along the line that she was married I got the distinct impression that she was definitely interested.
With all that talk of sinning and being a sinner, and most importantly how sinning is sorta free after you 'accept Jesus as your savior' I think her mind was right about where mine was.
I did get a date, by the way. I'm meeting her Sunday at 10 AM
Anyways, I’m Ford W. Maverick and I’ll see you in… well, heaven, I guess.
Now I’m gonna go spank my monkey while the memory of my ‘religious experience’ is still fresh in my mind.
Waitaminnit, this address is a church...