I have it! Proof positive that there IS, in fact, a God!

That's right, you heard it here first. Didn't you sort of figure that this was the place you'd get first news of the existence of divinity? I allways suspected that I'd be the medium for this message. Actually, I think I met God once before, durring that medical mishap of mine and my subsequent near death experience, but I was on a LOT of drugs, so I can't really swear to anything that happened except that God has a great place and Jesus shakes one hell of a martini.

But that has nothing to do with this. No, I had a Christmas miracle! Yes, the impossible happened. It was after dinner on Christmas Eve and I excused myself to the restroom. I shall spare you the details of what went on in there, but this is where the miracle happened. I went in. I did what I needed to do. I went out. And in all this time, with four female members of my family in the house, NOBODY KNOCKED ON THE FUCKING DOOR!

Now, my female readers (I think I can legitimately pluralize that) are doubting the validity of my claim, but the men have all found new faith in God as they all know what I'm talking about. I'm amazed that I can pinch a loaf at all without having to answer questions through a goddamn door.