First though, thanks to everyone that wrote in supporting my "Get Christ The Fuck Out Of X-Mas" campaign and also thanks to those of you that offered to hurl dogshit at my house if I'd only be so kind as to give you my home address. Both of those groups give me the will to keep going with the idea. Your support and your hatred are the wind beneath my wings.
Anyhow, here's another thing that bugs me about the shoehorning of Jesus into the Solstice holiday where he doesn't belong. The Christians who cry foul when you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas".
When I was growing up this confused me a lot. See, growing up in the bible-thumping, shit-kicking, goat-roping, shithole that I did I thought that "Happy Holidays" meant Christmas, New Years and possibly Thanksgiving, the collected Christian holidays that fell in the same general season. I thought this, because it was generally frowned upon by the adults to let the youngsters know that other religions existed, lest they think they might be an option.
So it always confused the hell out of me when people would get onto me for saying "Happy Holidays". Didn't they like New Years and Thanksgiving? I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't feel slighted about the inclusion. I mean, he's Jesus, right? It wasn't till I was in like the 5th grade or so that I heard about Judaism on TV and that they celebrated some crazy thing called Hanukkah. This was far ahead of schedule for child development in our area. Most kids out here find out about Jewish people in High School when you get to the chapter in the history book about WWII.
I'm actually amazed that they didn't make us bring in parental consent forms before teaching us of the existence of Jewish people like they did before the ultra-creepy sex-ed videos they made us watch.
Oh, that reminds me, thank you to the people that wrote in supporting my initiative to clone Hitler. I'll let you know what's up when I get a response from the Russian government.
And again, I've got nothing against Jewish people, at all. This isn't an anti-Semitic rant. This is an anti-Christian rant. Just for the record though, I think ALL organized religions are stupid. Especially ones that either demand the wearing of goofy hats or the removal of hats altogether. My choice of headwear has nothing to do with my faith in anything but the fucking weather.
Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, the refusal of the phrase "Happy Holidays" is just a big fuck-you to the winter holidays of other religions because, as Christians are fucking OVERJOYED to tell you, Jesus IS the reason for the season.
Even though he has NOTHING to do with the season.
Or Easter either for that matter, but that's a rant for a few months from now.
Wait, is it a few months? What month is Easter even in? I mean, I'm fairly certain I know what month is is NOW being X-Mas and all. I dunno, fuck it.
So what "Merry Christmas" really means is that there's only one REAL winter holiday and it's wrong to suggest, even for a moment, that another religion might be in the least bit valid. Because, when you're standing on the shaky ground of including your deity in the holiday trappings of other religions and cultures, you can't give any ground even for a second.
Therefore, in a genuine effort to help out my Christian friends (yes, I CAN use those words together) I'd like to add to my campaign to remove Jesus from X-Mas, the elimination of the phrase "Merry Christmas" in favor of the more honest phrase "Fuck your Godless, heathen religions you non-Christian fucks!"
Because, you know, I'm here to help. Peace On Earth and all that shit.
And just in case you didn't make it out to Gothcoming 2k9 here's two very good examples of why you should have: