If anything it's life playing April Fool's on me.
A few weeks ago I had a CAT scan on my stomach and groin as the next step in taking care of my lingering post surgery swelling. See, the surgeon in Morgantown told me that if the swelling didn't go away in three months or so to call them because there may be a problem. After several months of them not returning my phone calls they finally told me to see my doctor down here and get a CAT scan and we'd go from there.
Well last week I call my local doctor. The results are in. They want me to come in so they can talk to me in person about them.
Seems the report from the hospital says that the entire hernia has come back open, a possibility my surgeon once referred to as 'catastrophic'. It says that the surgical mesh has come undone and 'rolled up like a window blind' and what I thought was swelling was actually my large intestine and bladder sticking out through the newly opened hole.
Now I'm not going to panic just yet. I have a few very good reasons to be skeptical of their findings.
#1: I still feel better than I did before my last round of surgery and my stomach still looks and feels the same way it did the last time my surgeon looked at it and said it was ok.
#2: I'm not being egotistical when I say that the geography of my abdominal area is unique. I think it would take someone very familiar with my anatomy and very good at reading CAT scans to know which end was up.
#3: I surely would have noticed the kind of damage he described happening. I've become sickeningly familiar with the feeling of my guts ripping open over the last few years. I think I'd have noticed the complete catastrophic failure of a surgery that ranks among the most painful experiences of my life (and it's quite an impressive list).
#4: I walked into and back out of the office under my own power, something my doctor had to admit would have been difficult for someone in my supposed condition. Ok, granted, I am still walking with the cane I bought right after my last surgery, but it's less because I need the support and more because it's a socially acceptable reason for carrying around a three foot length of pipe. Plus it's got skulls on it and it looks totally bad-ass.
#5: The doctors/hospitals in this town SUCK.
So I remain hopefully optimistic. I already have an appointment back in Morgantown on May 15th. Problem there is apparently the surgeon that performed my surgery has left. He actually left last December. Since then pretty much everyone he worked with (and everyone else from the sound of it) have also left. So chances are that anyone there that might have some insight into what was done in my operation probably isn't there anymore.
This leaves me to try to maintain a sense of calm for the next month and a half while I wait to see someone that's never met me or my innards before and might still not know what they're looking at when they get the film.
On one good note my doctor down here said that he was sending the scan results up there and they would look at them and call me if they decided I needed to come up sooner. How is this good? They've had them for a week and they haven't called. I take that to mean it can't be too bad.
Best case scenario, there's nothing wrong at all and the local idiots have put me on the edge of complete panic for no good reason at all.
Worst case scenario, it has come back open and they refuse to fix it again, which is a possibility they had mentioned ad-nauseum. If I just keep it bound up I can live with it. It'll suck, but I can live with it. At least it doesn't hurt. I mean, it's taxing as all hell, but I'll take that over the unbearable pain that I should be feeling.
Chances are if it has re-opened someone will try to fix it, but probably not till I've lost another 100 lbs. I am still losing weight, but very slowly. Another 100 lbs will take (conservatively) up to a year.
Guess I'll just have to continue living off you taxpayers till then.
You know, I take it back, I guess this is kind of an April Fool's isn't it?