The New Rules:

1. The U.S. will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past and present. This will include our getting rid of Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of the "good old boys."

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. Instead, we will station our troops at our own borders. This will help those from other superior lands from accidentally wandering across the border and into this horrible oppressive country of ours.

3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs in order and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. If they don't want to go back to their native country, we will ship them to France. If they are, in fact, French they will be shot.

4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it your goddamn self, don't hide here. We don't need anymore cab drivers.

5. No "students" over the age of 22. (The older ones are the bombers). Also, students are only allowed to stay 5 years. If you haven't gotten your degree by then, you never will. If you do get your degree, put it to good use by going back home and fixing your own fucking country.

6. If there is a famine or other catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of the humanitarian aid we send goes to the countries military or in some cases to terrorists in training anyway.

7. From now on, all instructions, signs and documents for anything will only be written in ENGLISH. If you can't read or speak English, refer to rule #3.