“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Monday, August 10, 2009

Well it seems I do have a rudimentary form of the internet here at Mom’s place. The shittiest, slowest, dialup service I’ve ever used (NetZero, if you’re wondering) and since I have it, and I’m an insomniac, and I have NOTHING else to do, you guys are likely going to get several blog posts out of all of this.

Anyway, this post is about something I noticed while watching the Discovery channel’s Dirty Jobs this evening. On several occasions the host, Mike Rowe, has been bleeped because he said either ‘God-Damn’ or ‘God-Damn it’. See, on television, if you say, drop something really heavy on your foot, it’s ok to say ‘God’, even scream it, but you can’t say any variation on ‘God-Damn’ because it offends Christians.

That’s right, the FCC is protecting the delicate sensibilities of Christians because we all know what an oppressed minority they are. Lets protect the delicate sensibilities of the poor, widdle, Christians everyone!

Sorry. I’m back in Wirt County right now and this is the place that instilled in me my phobia of Christianity and, in a larger sense, all organized religion. I’ll get it out of my system in a few days. If you’re reading this, and you’re a Christian, and you were offended by any of this, well, I guess you’ll just have to get the fuck over it.

So anyhow, he’s been censored many times in the act of saying’ God-Damn’ but tonight he actually used the phrase “I think we screwed the pooch on this one”.

Let’s let that sink in for a second.

You can’t ask God to righteously smite whatever you just dropped on your toes, but you can say ‘screwed the pooch’? Who makes up these fucking rules? Does this mean that Christians are ok with bestiality now? (And given that they’re always trying to say that homosexuality is the gateway to bestiality, then what does this mean for their stance on homosexuality? Can they really be so hypocritical to say fucking animals is ok, but fucking a human if the same sex as you isn’t? Sorry, hypothetical question. We all know they CAN be that hypocritical.)

See, this is something that’s bothered me for a long time. Think of all the nonsense phrases that we as a culture have made up to avoid saying certain phrases. “Gol-Darn’ and ‘Gosh-Dang’, in place of ‘God-Damn’, ‘Gee-Whiz’, in place of ‘Jesus’. I’m sure if my brain were completely functional at the moment I could even come up with some that don’t come from the 50’s. My point is though is why is it ok to make up the nonsense phrase to avoid saying the ‘bad words’ if the nonsense phrase is just a veiled way of expressing the same sentiment?

Here’s a better example; shit. We all do it. Shit is EVERYWHERE, but we don’t always call it shit because shit is a BAD WORD. Why is it bad? Like I said, we all shit. Well, I know I do. Some of you retentive Republicans and Christians might not, but I really don’t care. Anyways though, we all have to deal with shit in some form or an other on an almost daily basis (sometimes more, sometimes less, I guess it depends on your fiber intake), but we can’t use the word shit all the time. Only when we’re with people with whom we know it’s ok can we use that particular word. (Well, sometimes we sit behind a keyboard late at night and fling the word at the internets like we’re a gorilla that’s recently made a trip to Taco Bell, but we’ve already established that there’s something deeply wrong with me.) So to avoid saying ‘shit’ we’ve made up a shitload of adjectives to use in it’s place, many of them cutesy little words that were taught to us when we were children that some of us insist on continuing to use.

You know who you are.

Words like ‘Ca-Ca’, ‘Doo-Doo’, ‘Poo-Poo’, I could go on, but you get my point. Seriously, I really COULD go on, like for days, but I’ve been advised not to after posting the list of penis names. Not for any sense of decency, but because many of my readers favorites were left out. In fact, I was appalled when Rem pointed out that one of my own favorites, ’Wang’, was left off the list. Perhaps we’ll have to take submissions from my audience and do our own list?

But back to my point, why is it ok to say ‘Ca-Ca’ and ‘Doo-Doo’ when we’re all just talking about shit? At least when we call it shit we don’t sound like we’re four-fucking-years-old. Seriously though, I was kinda shocked to hear the censor’s let the phrase ‘Screwed the pooch’ get by, given that it really only has two possible connotations. Either A: “Wow, I really was a jerk and left that dog in a difficult situation.” Like you stuck him with the bar tab or something. Or B: “Wow, I just fucked that dog.” Like you stuck him with your penis.

I guess now we know why he’s the Dirty Jobs guy. (I kid, I love the show. If it gets me more episodes you can fuck whatever you want. Just not on the show, please.)

So yeah, this is what my brain is doing at this hour, starved of entertainment, but still unable to shut off and go to sleep. Looks like I’m stuck here till Friday at the earliest, probably Saturday though, as we’re going to go ahead and celebrate my birthday when Mom gets back because I really can’t afford to come out here twice in one month.

Yeah, I know, birthday, bleh.

So since I can’t really go anywhere while I’m here I’ll mostly either be sleeping or in the garage working on my baby. I’ve got a few little projects I need to complete. Fix some bondo work, even out the primer coat, find the short in the electrical system, that kinda thing. I just hope I’m not in over my head. I mean, I’d hate to fuck the Goddamn dog on this one…


PS: Since the internet connection is so bad out here I can’t use YouTube to find an appropriate video to accompany this rant, so all of you go there and look up the song ‘Fucking An Animal’ by GWAR, turn your speakers up real loud and sodomize your earholes with it.

PPS: My cellphone is being a major pain in the ass this trip and I keep missing calls. So if you're trying to call me and I'm not answering there's nothing wrong, I'm just not getting a signal.

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