So it’s 3:04 Am on Wednesday morning and I can’t sleep. I’m an insomniac, a chronic one. I usually don’t worry about it too much seeing as how I have no job or life to schedule anything around usually, but it'’ a bitch when something does actually come up.

Well, something came up.

At 6 AM my brother and sister-in-law are to begin the process of having their first child. This is all well and good, and I wish them well and all, and I’d gladly go down there when the baby comes and say hello and have pictures taken and everything (I hat having my picture taken). Those of you that know me are now laughing because you know how my life works. That’s right, I have to go down there for the majority of the process.

They begin at 6. I’m getting picked up at 8. It’s now after 3 and I can’t sleep.

I guess it could be worse. They could have asked me to pick them up and drive them there at 5:30.

I’m kinda worried about this. Like I said, I want to be supportive and all, but this is my little brother. My little brother, the person that used to, for example, try and get me to take his student loan papers and turn them in for him AFTER signing them for him, the one who got two dogs that I had to walk every other day for three or four months, the one that once actually tried to get me to break up with a girlfriend for him, is having a baby tomorrow.

Ten to one I end up having to cut the cord. Any takers?

My biggest problem with tomorrow has nothing at all to do with my brother, or my sister-in-law specifically. I am, as previously stated, an insomniac. Everybody knows I’m an insomniac. I am going to fall asleep in the hospital. Nothing can stop it. And EVERYONE in my family KNOWS that I’m going to fall asleep.

And they’re going to give me shit about it all goddamn day long.

Seriously, I could smoke a big fat bag of crack tomorrow and I’m still going to fall asleep. I might be able to delay falling asleep if I could read a book, but they’re not going to let me read anything. I will be required to stare straight ahead and nod as they talk to me as I slowly pass out over and over in-between them kicking me and yelling at me.

My family loves this slow torture. It’s something like “Well we can’t stay up all night and watch porn and masturbate, why the fuck should HE be allowed to?” so they take it upon themselves to punish me for it.

And they probably should. I do masturbate a LOT.

I’m actually naked right now. Bare-assed in the middle of my living room at 3:30 in the morning. I write naked a lot too. I’m actually working on a children’s book right now (for the money) and I’m determined to do the whole damn thing nude and I (and all of you reading this) will be the only one who knows…

Anyways, my point is I’ll do anything for my family, I don’t care about having to go there at an obscene hour with no sleep, but when you put me in a situation where you know I’m not going to be able to stay awake DON’T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT IT!

I think I’ll take my sketchpad tomorrow. That way I can occupy myself and Billy, their 10-year-old they recently adopted. He’s fascinated by the fact that I’m over 30 and I watch more Nickelodeon than he does. My flimsy excuse is that I watch cartoons because I do cartoons. Now I have to prove it.

So I’m gonna go take a shower and rub one out (again) and try to get a few hours of sleep. They’re going to start calling me at 6 and now it’s almost 4, so if I get in bed by 4:30 I can get an hour and a half of sleep. I’ll get to the hospital at 8 and they’ll likely have the kid at about midnight and I’ll probably get home at about 6 AM tomorrow.

Oh, for anyone that’s interested I’ve been fucking with this MySpace account: http://www.myspace.com/10891143 . Look me up if you want to.