“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Friday, August 08, 2003

This just in to our news desk:


Trounces Schwarzenegger in Latest Poll
Andy Borowitz August 8, 2003

Seabiscuit, the star of the hit Universal Pictures release bearing his name, has entered the hotly contested California gubernatorial race, election officials confirmed today.

The celebrated horse, who is running as a Democrat, is likely to pose the strongest challenge to the newly announced candidacy of actor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who declared his intentions one day earlier.

At Schwarzenegger for Governor headquarters, jittery campaign aides indicated that they were "blindsided" by the critically acclaimed mammal's decision to run.

"All this time, we thought we'd be facing off against Arianna Hiffington, or maybe Diane Feinstein," one Schwarzenegger aide said. "If we'd known that Seabiscuit would be running, we might never have gotten into this thing."

Seabiscuit started his campaign on the offensive today, challenging Mr. Schwarzenegger to a series of televised debates on the issues of crime, the environment and the economy.

At Schwarzenegger headquarters, campaign aides said it was highly unlikely that Mr. Schwarzenegger would accept Seabiscuit's debate challenge, since the film actor was likely to suffer in comparison to the world-renowned horse.

"Seabicuit neighs and whinnies a lot, but he's still a lot easier to understand than Arnold," one aide admitted.


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