So I’m was walking into the NET, and two steps from the door something hits me in the back of the head. It was wet and gooey and I thought I'd been shot.
Then, in a tremendous leap of mental calculation, I realized that if I HAD been shot, I wouldn't be able to THINK I'd been shot...
So I put my hand to the back of my head and it felt like brains and bits of skull, which I seemed strangely uninterested in, or at least less interested than I was in what had just happened to cause this.
So I examine the bits of skull. They were white and bone-like, but very thin and fragile and covered with yellow shit.
Someone in a passing car had hit me with an egg.
Bastards.
Given that this mental process took only fractions of a second I was able to look up and see the SUV driving off and hear the laughter within and I can only guess at who it was. So I did the only thing I could do, I went in and had a burger with raw egg and eggshell running down my back and it came to me, I'll bet it's those bastards from WTAP.
See, last month, in an article, I said that WTAP Parkersburg “couldn’t get a story right if it squatted on their faces” and I kinda sorta accused them of manufacturing news stories and being journalistically irresponsible, and I have it on good authority that they have, in fact, read the article.

In retrospect I wish I'd gone home and had a shower before the egg got to my ass-crack. Actually, in retrospect I wish I hadn't pointed out that I've recently had an ass-crack loaded with raw egg...

Anyways, I gotta go. I have a TV station to burn to the ground…