“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Friday, April 27, 2007

Ok, it's catchin' up time.

First off, some random thoughts.

Number one: What the hell is the deal with Kate Beckinsale doing movies without her British accent? Yes, I know she's hot either way, but goddammit that's one sexy ass accent she's got. She can bring me to full attention just reading the goddamn phone book in that accent. I mean what the fuck?

It should be illegal for her to not use that accent. While I'm at it, there should also be a law against her wearing any clothing other than that skin-tight leather/rubber suit she had in the Underworld movies. I don't give a damn what movie she's in either. Snooty Victorian period epic? Goddamn rubber suit! Might actually make that merchant ivory crap watchable.

But that's my new rule. She MUST use that accent and she MUST wear that outfit. Unless, of course, she's naked. Actually, you know what? Fuck it, she should just be nude all the time. Or at least till gravity starts to take it's toll. Then she can put the rubber suit back on.

Of course, maybe it's just me. I've always been a sucker for women with accents. Pretty much any accent except south Jersey and really-really deep south. A little southern is Ok, but it's easy to get too much of that shit.

Oh yeah, I no longer like the German/Dutch accent now. In fact, thanks to my sister-in-law that accent now makes my colon clench. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that at least once out of every three times she speaks to me she begins her sentence with “Do joo kno vat jour problem esss?”

Well one of them appears to be lax immigration laws...

Number two: Have you seen the ads for the new Sony camera that recognize faces and focuses in on them automatically? Am I the only one that thinks this is a really BAD fucking idea?

I mean, we're making machines that can identify and target human faces and Arnold Schwartzenegger, the motherfucking TERMINATOR, is the governor of one of our larger chunks of land.

Am I really the only one that sees where this is leading?

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I mean crap, sometimes I think I'm the only sane person left on Earth and YES I do realize the gravity of that fucking statement...

Number three:

Grindhouse is one of the greatest movies ever made. If you don't go see it then you are not a man. It's that simple. If after seeing it you don't absolutely love it you should have your testicles reposessed as they're obviously not being used for anything. It has everything a red-blooded human male loves and as though that weren't enough it inspired this:

One quick note. If you're feeling a bit sensitive about gun violence you might not find this quite as funny as I do

I wanna see that goddamn movie! Too bad it's just a trailer made for the Grindhouse trailer contest (it won, by the way) and there is no complete movie, but if enough of you fuckers go see Grindhouse and/or buy it on DVD it might be part of Grindhouse 2. So go now!

No, wait, finish reading this first because I need the attention, THEN go see it. Hell see it twice.

But anyways, I promised you another strip club story...

I'll get to it later tonight. I've been up for more than 24 hours. Had a doctor's appointment this morning to get the veins in my legs mapped with a doppler system. This involved me lying on a table in my underwear while an attractive young blonde girl smeared cold lube all over my inner thighs for about 15 minutes.

Yes, it was as awesome as it sounds.

And just as with my lap dance story there was a reaction.

And just as before, this girl was impressed. Actually, I think she was more impressed due to my being in my underwear and laying flat on my back at the time

I'm starting to think that what's hindering my style is that I'm always wearing pants...

But after that somewhat happy ending I had to drive home with most of the lube still all over my inner thighs, which was somewhat less awesome than the application.

Actually, no, it was still pretty awesome.

Till about 15 minutes after I got home. Then I just got sleepy.

So it's nap time. Then I'll come back and do the new strip club story. Till then, here's part two of the Bill Hicks documentary.



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