OK, those of you who are friends of this little enterprise will know what a departure today’s collumn is. You see, I, Ford W. Maverick, the man who regularly in this very medium calls for the death of millions on rivers of blood, am speaking out AGAINST the war in Iraq. And before you say it, Sean Penn DID NOT get to me. He, and all of his attention seeking ilk can kiss my upturned ass. Fuck Sean Penn, fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick.
I wholeheartedly believe that Iraq, and indeed the entire middle east, is full of people who need killing. I would have a great day if I were to hear on CNN that the entire middle east were vaporized and that every living Man, Woman and fucking camel were gone and not goddamn coming back. I am objecting to the fact, that George Bush Jr, in an effort to get revenge on Sadam for not dying last time (and supposedly attempting to assasinate Bush Sr.), is sending in land troops to eliminate the ‘threat’ created by am man that Bush Sr. helped to arm when we were hip deep in the cold war. See, Sadam was our friend then because we both didn’t like the Ayatolah and those darn Ruskies. Problem is, with them gone, we now have a megomaniacal asshole with a pile of weapons and the means to make more. How do we know Sadam has the capability to make weapons of mass destruction? How can we be so sure? Because we taught him how to do it and we sold him the Anthrax, and since we haven’t gotten it back, he must still have it.
So why didn’t Bush Sr. have Sadam killed back when he had the chance? Because of the potential of him being replaced by someone ten times worse. Aparently he didn’t explain this to Jr. Which brings me back to my point: Why are we sending in ground troops to placate little Bushie Jr’s machismo? Our Soldiers have to go in and possibly die because Bush has talked a lot of shit and now has to back it up. The World of politics is just a giant playground, friends. Now, why don’t we just blast the hell out of them from the air? We have the stuff to do it. We paid for all those bombs and airplanes, why don’t we use them? Better yet, why not nuke them? I’ll tell you why. For the only reason we and the Russians ever gave a shit about the middle east in the first place: OIL. We can’t damage or irradiate that oil. We want it. If it weren’t for oil the people of the middle east could have gone on peacefully murdering each other like they’ve done for thousands of years and we wouldn’t have to worry about them at all. We wouldn’t have to endanger the life of one US citizen. But no, the US had to stick it’s nose into centuries of blood feuds over oil. By the way, did you know that the Bush family once lent money to a middle easterner to buy oil wells? That middle easterner was one Osama Bin Laden. Little trivia for you there. After all, this is primarily an educational program.
Now, I must admit, I voted for George W. Bush. I’m not proud of it. I did it for two reasons: #1: I didn’t believe he could have possibly been as stupid as everyone said he was. I admit, I was wrong. #2: Because his only real opposition was Al Gore. Al Gore, as many of you know, is married to Tipper Gore. What many of you don’t know is that in the 80’s Tipper was a founding member of the Washington Wives, a republican organization for the censorship of anything they felt was offensive. Amongst their crimes was the eventual tearing asunder of the 80’s hair band Twisted Sister. Many say it’s insane to carry a grudge like that for so long and to take it so serriously as to let it influence one’s voting on a presidential candidate and I can see that point, but dammit: “We’re not gonna take it, NO!, we ain’t gonna take it, we’re not gonna take it, anymore!” Thank you, thank you!
I’m also pissed that Tipper, who stands for censorship and denial of personal freedoms married and supports a Democrat. I guess she wasn’t good enough in the sack to land a rich republican. I’ve allways imagined Tipper as the Lewinski sort. She probably fucked Bill too. It’s one thing to believe in things that are wrong, like censorship, it’s another thing to blow in the wind and drop those beliefs when they become inconvenient. Fucking Cunt.
That having been said, while Al Gore might not have gotten involved with the middle east over the personal grudge between the Bush family and Iraq, he would have marched our fighting men and women into the middle east if our oil were threatened just like your precious pig-fucking-hunk-of-shit Clinton did. Scratch away the surface and all politicians are exactly the same.
-Middle East: Bad and should be wiped off the map
-George Bush: Moron
-Al Gore: Still not president
-Sadam Hussein: Megalomaniacal, camel-fucker
-Osama Bin Laden: Friend of the Bush family
-Bill Clinton: Also bombed Iraq
-Twisted Sister: Martyrs of free speech
-Tipper Gore: Fucking Cunt