“I couldn't live a week without a private library
- indeed, I'd part with all my furniture and squat and sleep on the floor
before I'd let go of the 1500 or so books I possess.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Whistling In The Graveyard

Saturday, December 11, 2004

So Nate works at Crapoli’s taking pizza orders.

Well the boss, Pee-Wee, or Mr. Wee if you prefer, comes storming in and decrees that all calls must begin with "Merry Christmas from Crapoli’s".

For those of you that don’t know him, Mr. Wee is a thoroughly loathsome bag of shit that’s been roughly pounded into the shape of a human being.

His reasoning for this is he and his wife, Mrs. Wee, were watching 60 Minutes or some other old douchebag news show and on it they observed that people are taking Christ out of Christmas.

Pee Wee, a man that would step on his own mother’s head for a nickel, is worried that Christ, who by all accounts seems to have been a pretty groovy cat, is being removed from the capitalist gang-bang that his birthday has become.

Yeah, I don’t really see the problem either.

So Nate points out that they shouldn’t say ‘Merry Christmas’ as not everyone celebrates Christmas. He mentions this after Mr. Wee has left of course. Not because Nate is afraid of the Wee, but because the Wee is an obstinate ass, to whom any attempt to communicate is worthless.

Trying to reason with Pee Wee is like reading poetry to your dog. It might be somewhat interesting for a brief period of time, but ultimately it’s pretty fucking useless.

So Nate takes the very first call after the decree of the Wee.

Nate: Merry Christmas from Crapoli’s.

Caller: You know, you shouldn’t say ‘Merry Christmas’. Not everyone celebrates Christmas.

So Nate, summoning patience that I can only dream of having, explains to the Master Chief what happened. The Master Chief decides to count the number of people that complain about the greeting.

I cannot fucking wait to see where this is going.

By the way, I'm announcing that I’ll be referring to Christmas as X-mas from now on.

That’s right, I’m intentionally removing Christ from X-mas. Not because I'm anti-Jesus, but because I think Jesus would be embarrassed by what it's become.

If I do ever get the chance to sit down over drinks with Jesus again and return to this mortal plane afterward I’ll have to ask him what he thinks about the whole deal.

Come to think of it, I’ll also have to ask him if he really is the Son of God. Last time we talked we’d just met and it seemed a little rude to ask him "Who’s your Daddy?"

One thing I do remember us talking about was the Bible.

God and Jesus both are rather disappointed about how the Bible turned out. Even the part that God wrote himself, the Ten Commandments, got fucked up. They completely left out "Thou Shalt Not Be an Asshole" which we both agreed was probably the best one.

Did I mention I was on the largest dose of morphine anyone at the hospital had ever seen anyone survive?

Anyways, I don’t want to make it sound like I hate X-mas or anything. I like some of the elements of it. Most of them in fact, I just despise a couple of things about it enough to ruin it.

Like the fact that I can’t drive anywhere from November1st to mid-January without six or eight people trying to fucking kill me.

"I MUST CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF CHRIST AND I’LL RUN STRAIGHT THE FUCK OVER ANY MOTHERFUCKER THAT GETS IN MY WAY!!!"

I guarantee that if I ever have another job and therefore the ability to buy X-mas gifts again I’ll be doing all my shopping on-fucking-line pretty much for that reason alone.

I also hate the fact that the X-mas season now starts the day after Halloween. Seriously people, I don’t usually know what day of the date is, or day of the week for that matter, hell, sometimes I don’t even know what month it is, but I know when goddam Halloween is and I know that X-mas comes after it. I’m not in danger of forgetting or anything. You don't have to start reminding me a full month early.

But most of all, I’m sick of the people I mentioned earlier.

You know, the people that are ‘offended’ by someone wishing them a ‘Merry X-mas’. OK, I can understand being annoyed by a ‘Merry X-mas’ if you’re Jewish and you’ve been hearing it all day.

By and large the Jews were somewhat annoyed by Jesus, this is historical fact.

So if anyone has the right to be offended by a ‘Merry X-mas’ I suppose it would be the Jews.

Anyone else can suck my nuts.

See, they key word in ‘Merry X-mas’ is MERRY. It’s a tiding of well being. Being offended by ‘Merry X-mas’ is like being offended by ‘Good day to you’.

I don’t give a God-Damn if you’re a Christian or not, ‘Merry X-mas’ is nothing to be offended by.

I’d like to hand out ‘Fuck You’s’ to everyone that’s been ‘offended’ by ‘Merry X-mas’ and see which one they like better.

So until I come up with some way of resolving my feelings about the holiday I’ll not be celebrating X-mas.

At least, not in the purest, meaning consumerist, sense.

I'm not celebrating it, but I am accepting gifts.

You know, so I don't offend anyone's beliefs.

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